Three years three months today………..he's still dead, I'm still alive and the pain is still ever present……. Grief is hardly an adequate word……..

Having a conversation with someone last week it seems no matter what, someone likely, maybe always, suffers in the physical from a death. You have on one extreme as mine, sudden and unexpected. We are the ones to suffer. You have those who are sick prior and by the time they pass, we are relieved they are no longer suffering as the quality of their life was no more. They are the ones to suffer. I don't know there is any scenario death causes no one physical suffering ...

I've had 3…

No truer words could be said: " Just because I'm strong enough to handle pain doesn't mean I deserve it!"

I saw another medium, omg she  knew so much, things no one knew but me and shawn. I cryed so hard and so much as she read me. I miss my so so very very much, and I know now he wont leave me. but im still so deeply depressed and under doctors care, I still pray each night to die, ill never be happy again till im holding my son. I stay in my bed a lot, just to tired to do anything, I go see shawn everyday sometimes in his pjs. I feel like this black hole is getting deeper, and there are times…

There was a morning last month, I sensed the strong presence of my soul mate. I felt the need to write an emotional treatise of sorts, what morphed into a free verse.  I call it "A day of Dreams".  It became my own "balm in Gilead".

A DREAM OF DAYS     M. Royer    02/17/2016  (Reunion)

SOMEWHERE, OUT BEYOND THE COUNTY LINE SHE WAITS

IN A STAND OF DISTANT TREES…

Just had the funeral yesterday, after an extremely intense month, i feel in a different place for today anyway. i can't be sad atm we both loved each other truly and had the happiest life ever.and i think I'm still in shock because the strangest thing seems to be happening too me; i still just feel nothing. its like I'm in a zone, I'm not at work I'm surrounded his family (who i am close to and feel very close to him when I'm with them), I'm texting him everyday, thinking abut him for hours…

I continue to feel the need to clear my head and write what I am feeling ...

What my pain says: My life is over. I don't want to be here anymore. [With my situation] it is bullshit how I was regarded. Fucked up how things played out. I deserved better than that. I didn't get what so many others get in the physical and then I don't even get it in death. I deserved better than to have this happen in the first place. I don't know how to live without him. How to live with all our somedays…

 When I was a teenager, my cousin used to babysit the cutest little blonde headed boy named Casey.  I used to spend alot of time over at her house, and I would play with Casey, hold him in my arms and rock him and pretend he was my baby.  I loved his chubby little baby arms and cherubic face.  I must have kissed his cheeks a thousand times!   When I grew up and married, I had a little baby boy --blond headed and adorable, just like Casey!  So I was very shocked tonight when I read Casey's…

I lost my dear sweet mother on March 3rd of this year... Just 8 months after my Dad passed away.

She feel into a diabetic coma exactly at the 6 month mark. She had stopped eating and taking her medication once my dad had passed away.    While she was in a Coma, I was faced with the same decision we had to make when my dad fell into a coma and…

Last night , I had the most amazing if not slightly confusing dream, it was the kind where you are unsure if it was a dream or that it really happened. I remember it just being a standard dream , some random man was following me and I ran into a room to hide , this is the point it got weird, I was standing facing a wall when all of a sudden I felt arms wrapped around me from behind and put them hands on top of mine, I instantly knew it was Andy , I just felt it , I even said Andy is that…

 Been fighting a nasty cold for a week now.  I have eaten so much chicken soup that I think I'm going to grow webbed feet and a beak!  Amazing how something that can only be seen under a microscope can cause you so much misery, or even take a life.  I was remembering, today, how I got a very bad case of the flu when I was six or seven years old. My fever went so high that I began to hallucinate. Saw creepy, crawly things going up and down my bedroom wall.  But what I remember most was Mom's…

March 10th was one year. What to say about it now ...

As for sleeping goes I am back to being tired all the time, sleeping a lot and struggling for energy, severe depression, etc.

There is still a huge frustration as to exactly what I'm feeling and/or feeling both extremes of a spectrum at the same time and in a way that has been atypical with the prior oxymorons of this hell. Such as numb right beside all the rest of the feelings. Numb hasn't been a big player for me so to cry…

So its been 1 year 2 months and 10 days...do I count? yes Time does help at times, other moments and places it hasn't made a difference, I still cry sometimes in church.

Time a healing factor? Not in my eyes for anyone that experiences a loss its all about how you handle grief. For one time may help, for another a remembrance may help, for another depression, for another family...

My thoughts and Pryers are with everyone that has experienced a loss..handle it your way, not what…

I pass that little white house alot on my way home from work. It may look like any other house on that Street to those who don't know the secret that lies within. The lawn is neatly manicured, the hedges perfectly trimmed. Several beautiful fat cats lay on the porch sunning themselves. And in the driveway is a slightly older model car that always looks freshly washed and waxed. But no one has lived in that house for nine years now, except the cats! Every day, an older distinguished looking…