for 2016 I wished with all my heart to be with my son, im so lonely and tired, I cry all the time, I just want so much to be happy once more,  and that will only happen when im holding my shawn again. please god stop my suffering my pain and take me to my baby. I want so very much to die, please hear and answer my prayes please. I have nothing let, I feel nothing but pain,  I just want to go now im ready, please answer me.

 today I let 3 balloons go, red my sons fav colour, x mas one and one that said I love you always and forever. I do it every x mas and his birthday. I know in my heart he got them, I watched them till I could not see them anymore.  I have cryed all day , please make this day end, I love you shawn forever,  mom

tonight I was sitting with my husband talking, when he told me our friends don't come around here anymore it was because of me, I was depressing. hating x mas and everything to do with it. that hurt me a lot, I cryed and went to my room,  I just don't feel he understands, he wants everything to go back to the way it was, THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN, I told him to just go, leave me alone.  shawns the love of my life and hes all I need. I pray to him to take me home, to hold me and never let me…

I cant stop crying, to know  x mas will soon be here, and you wont., my depression is getting worse, I passed out the other night, for the first time. I just miss you so much and need  you so very bad. I hope  every night you hear me, im  so  proud of you and proud to be your mom forever.with out  you shawn there is no x mas and there never will be.  there will be no laughter, or smiles.  just emptiness here and in my heart. I pray to be with you, and hope its soon.  I cant live without you…

today after seeing my son, I went to the store with my husband to pick up a few things, I never go any more but I thought I would this time. it was the first time someone said merry Christmas to me. I felt my eyes tear up, my heart felt like it stopped. I could not even look  her in the face and I ran out of the store. im not going out again till this crap is over.  how can people say that when she looked  at my face seen my swollen eyes, I never smile, just pain .  please let these holidays…

im so sick and tired of this x mas shit all ready. it hurts so much to see  it all and everyone talking about it . I just want it to be over. I stay in my room all the time so I don't have to see the lights, I don't go out so I don't have to see  people so dam happy.  my eyes fill up so fast, my tears still fall all the time.  its not a happy time any more just so pain full, I wish it was over, I wish I was with shawn,  I beg my son to please  take me home, take me out of this hell I live…