tonight I was sitting with my husband talking, when he told me our friends don't come around here anymore it was because of me, I was depressing. hating x mas and everything to do with it. that hurt me a lot, I cryed and went to my room,  I just don't feel he understands, he wants everything to go back to the way it was, THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN, I told him to just go, leave me alone.  shawns the love of my life and hes all I need. I pray to him to take me home, to hold me and never let me go..  I find my husbands not here for me, im so tired of people telling me how I feel,  can they see im dieing, I want to go with shawn, tired of him saying it me, am I to smile, laugh and go on  NO I cant do that.  im starting to hate him,  does he miss our son/. does he love shawn does he hurt? please let these holidays be over please,  more and more I think about being with shawn, to have no more pain, no more hate, no more loneliness,  I know soon ill be saying good bye to you all and to say thank you for being my family a true family. because im tired, afraid to be here without my son, tears flowing all the time. oh shawn help me take me home with you, please I cant hold on much longer, dear god I need my son, I died that day to so please take me. I hate living anymore, and I hate the bull shit of Christmas, way to much pain , and im trying so hard to remember the good times, but I find it to hard, I always go back to the day he want away, my death to  its like everyone wants to get there dig in me,  I lost my son, not a dam dog, or cat, my beautiful son,, I pray for him to come to me for x mas not to leave me here alone, but no one hears me anymore no one