today I got mail for shawn, omg I cryed and screamed, the pain I felt in my heart.  will it ever stop? oh god I miss my baby so bad. I just want so much to RUN to him. my eyes are so swollen, my heart so empty. oh please please god take me to my son, im so tired and weak. so alone.  almost 15 months, its like yesterday, easters on the 5, his birthdays the 5 and the fifth means 15 months . so dam much on one friggen day, its to hard to deal with, to pain full to  go on. let me feel you shawn…

my older sister called first time in a month, asked me how I was, I told her it was a bad week hurting and crying. to my surprise  she told me to take all my pills and end my life then I will be with my son.  I cryed all night holding my pills, waiting for shawn to help me decide. I want so much to go with him, I cant go on like this, it hurts so much. maybe shes right, I know ill never be happy without my son, I feel to much hate, so dead inside, so very empty and alone, dear god so alone. …

I cry everyday, I feel so dead, please shawn help me to be with you. that's all I want, that's what I need. I have never felt such pain in my heart. I need you to come to my dreams, let me hold you one more time, let me hear you call me  MOM , let me feel your love one more time. you are and always will be my perfect son, my baby forever. how will I handle your birthdays coming, mothers day is coming,  I will never be happy till I hold you again,  please god take me to my son, let me smile…