Some people feel that I'm at an age where the absence of my mother should no longer affect me, the way it use to. Granted, the way it use to affect me has changed, but the outcome is still the same. I still miss her and I find new ways to miss her the older I get.…

The older I get, the more painful the absence of my mother seems to be. People move on at different phases, and although I don't stay up and cry every night the way I use to, I know that my heart is still broken. 

I try to heal it by sharing my heart and love with other people, but when…

May 6th 2012 I attended my cousins wedding. It was a beautiful event. She was glowing. She was happy. The groom was quite dashing. And everyone was in good spirits. Then, there I was. I came in late to the event, because the night before I was partying hard. When I walked in I was overly dressed. I had a blonde style and my makeup wasn't fresh because I didn't have time to get myself together. But at…

The thing about not having parents is that no one in my "circle" understands how I feel. They pretend to listen but their attention is quickly taken away by what is on TV and what is in the magazines. I have changed a lot since I last wrote in here. But the most recent events have me thinking that I'm still not completely all right. I even went to see a therapist while I was at school because I thought that she could help me make sense of the chaos in my head. But, I could tell that even she…

There are a lot of people that believe that it is now time for me to "get over" my mothers death. She passed away when I was very young. I know it was such a long time ago. But for the longest time I just ran. I did not reflect. I did not live. I just ran deeper and deeper inside of myself. I wrote endless short stories and novels. I just buried my world into fantasy. I wasn't able to come out of that…

I don't really know why my mothers' passing is still affecting me. I can only come up with a couple of theories but never any solid answers on it. Maybe if there was someone out there who understood what its like to feel empty. Maybe if there was someone who could just sit and talk to me about what I'm feeling. The strange thing is, there will be days, sometimes even weeks when I'm okay. Happy.…

Yesterday was my grandmothers birthday. It was also the day my mother passed away. I know her absence has been apart of my life for awhile. I didn't cry yesterday as much I have in the past. I miss my mom every single day. But I thought about it...

Yes, I miss her. But I have to keep living. I…

My interest in life is to study the Human Connection.

But that is neither here nor there at the moment.

I have been rather reflective, more so than before. If I want to know love then I have to accept…

The other day I watched a couple interacting with one another. He was very attentive and she seemed rather annoyed by his attentiveness.

In my world I would have given anything for him to be even slightly attentive to me. But it seems that guys don't like girls who want to give, who want to comfort, who want to love. The thrill of the chase. Its FUN.…

I attend college courses. I work two jobs. I give back to my grandmother, when I have the money. I make sure to say hi to most of everyone I meet. When someone needs me I go to them, because I know what it is like to feel as no one there.

I don't have any parents.

And even though my father is not deceased, at least…

I will admit that the holidays make me really sad. I never had that big of a family to begin with and ever since my mother left my family seemed to get smaller and smaller.

I did manage to get through anothe semester with half my insanity.

My college…

There were no rules given to me when my mother passed away. In one way, I was just tossed into life and expected to adapt without asking any questions. If I asked questions I was turned away or shut out because no one had the answers.

Even now no one knows how to respond to me...

I will confess that I am tired of fighting. I'm tired of smiling all the time. I'm tired of pretending…

When my mother passed I hid inside of myself. I wrote endless short stories, novels. I have several poetry books. My grandmother and aunt have done a good job raising me, but there is nothing like having the comfort of your own mother. A woman that knows every part of you. A woman that will always count you first. I was my mother first born. I have a younger sister but she was too little to remember our mother much. I have tried to keep our mothers image in her head as much as…