The other day I watched a couple interacting with one another. He was very attentive and she seemed rather annoyed by his attentiveness.

In my world I would have given anything for him to be even slightly attentive to me. But it seems that guys don't like girls who want to give, who want to comfort, who want to love. The thrill of the chase. Its FUN. Everything is always "fun" at the expense of my feelings.

It is not my fault that I feel so deeply. I desire a human connection more than anything. I live for the human connection.

Most of the associates I have, are either married or in a serious relationship. You would think that I would know more single people.

I have tried to put it out of my mind. I have tried to throw myself into my job and my school work and dance, but my heart breaks everytime I think about it:

I am alone.

I am always alone.

I have no one that understands.

My mother is long gone

And my father is nowhere to be found

My stepdad could careless

I love my grandmother very much. We have grown closer since I have grown up. But I am fully aware that she is elderly and that she won't be around anymore.

I love my aunt. But when she and I talk it is always about "business."

The other day I was at work and one of the girls called her dad so that he could bring her a car key. I watched as he walked in the door full of concern. When he found his daughter he told her to be careful and to drive safe.

I should not have had my eyes on them. But I could not help it.

I would give my entire world to have a man care for me. To have a man really care about my well-being. I tried to contact my biological father. I wrote and I use to call but he would not respond.

But I would be thankful for even one parent. Just one parent to hold me when I'm sad or to comfort me when I feel scared.

I guess I keep trying to look for that parental love inside of my "relationships" or rather that Unconditional love, when I know that, that takes time to develop. It doesn't happen overnight. And just because a guy is physically attracted to me doesn't mean that we have a connection. And just because a guy is nice to me doesn't mean that he cares about my life.

No he was just being nice.

No one understands why it is so difficult for me to find a "boyfriend" but it is not only that. It is difficult for me to even have male friends. Because I put them in a category of romantic interest or just friend. And when they can not be of a romantic interest then I do not want them as a friend.

My grandmother is very RIGHT when she is said that "it is going to take a strong man to love you" but I think that I only get one chance to receive that... and well, I threw my chance away when I opted to be "involved" with all that the college lie had to offer.

I have been single for 4 years now. I have dated here and there. I even was the almost gf at some points, but it is always the same thing "touch and go." I am always the "almost somone."

I reflect on my life often. I try my best to figure out what I can do to become a better woman each day. I cut out, I add in new things. But it just seems that I keep trying and trying to piece it all together

"WHY can't you love you?

"Why can't you stay in my life?

Seem to be the only two questions that I am always forced to ask when the guy of interest exits my life.

There have only been two guys to ever tell me why they did not want to be in my life. I cried. My heart was broken. But I respected them for being honest.

But most of the time they just disappear...

I have analyzed why i keep attracting the liars, the "its just FUN" guys. I always attract men who are beaten down and broken in someway. Or the ones who just get out of long term relationships.

I use to think that my love could save these broken men. That maybe if I loved them enough they would love me back. But now I know that, that is not true.

They want love, that is true. They just don't want my love. And there is nothing that I can do about that one.

I am so close to graduating from undergrad school, but I'm starting to question. Why does it matter? So what I will have a degree. I will still be alone. I will still be without the human connection. I will still be single. My heart will still be homeless.

I wish I knew why GOD picked me to go through this. He could have chosen to take ANYONEs mother away, but it had to be mine.

He could have chosen to make ANYONEs father not care, but it had to be mine.

Even my half sister was given a better chance at building a foundation.

Our mother passed away. My stepfather ran with her. He got remarried. So she will always have parents.

But I have been moved around so many times. Go stay with your aunt. Now go stay with your uncle. No one wanted to keep me for very long. I was always a burden to someone. Another mouth to feed. Another person to put clothes on. I wish GOD would have just ended my life. There were so many times when my life could have ended. Especially dealing with car accidents, but each time I was unharmed and ok.

I hate feeling this negative depressing energy. But my heart is so broken by this realization that NO ONE wants me.