May 6th 2012 I attended my cousins wedding. It was a beautiful event. She was glowing. She was happy. The groom was quite dashing. And everyone was in good spirits. Then, there I was. I came in late to the event, because the night before I was partying hard. When I walked in I was overly dressed. I had a blonde style and my makeup wasn't fresh because I didn't have time to get myself together. But at least I got there before it was over... 

I almost cried when I saw how beautiful she was. Then I saw her family. Her mother. Her dad, her brothers and sisters, uncle, aunts and cousins all sitting there admiring how beautiful she was. I couldn't help but to reflect. It is all I seem to do, ever since I became self aware of my emotions. I can't seem to shut my mind off these days. 

I guess you could call it self pity or whatever you want but I choose to call it a self reflection of how I felt in that moment. I felt very distant from everyone who I'm suppose to call "family." I felt out of place. I felt jealous. spiteful. I felt everything else but happy for her. And I couldn't figure it out. I'm generally always very eager to celebrate in happy events. I'm the first to help decorate and the first to help clean up. I'm cheerful. I'm normally the one to keep the celebration going. But, I knew that I was different that day...

I will never have a man love me the way my cousins will know love. I will always be searching for some kind of parental love to replace what I can never obtain. I thought, way back in school when my dad called me that he would want to be in my life. But then when he started to demand respect from me that's when the "thorns" came out. And then I scared him away. 

I'm good at scaring men away. Even the really tough ones. 

I didn't even stay until the end because I knew I didn't belong. And no matter how much I tried to laugh and interact with my "family." I sensed that I was different. All of them had mothers. I was the only one that had no one that I could connect to. I even got to see my step dad and it was like my graduation all over again. He gave me a really tight hug as if to say "i'm so sorry that your mother is gone" he made promises to help me in life and be there for me and then we parted ways. Weeks later he forgot about me all over again. 

So then I noticed a pattern in my life.

When it comes to men they always leave my life in someway. They never stay. They never try to understand me. We share a few good times and then boom, disappear. And that's how it will always be for me. No man can get close to me, because I'm just like a rose. They see me and want to possess me. They want to "own me" but then when they notice the thorns they become cautious. Then lose interest all together. I have never been enough. It is not that I don't think that good men exist, but I am aware that it is unlikely that I will ever meet one. 

I kept asking myself, what is it about my cousin that made her now husband want to marry her? What is it that I don't have? I came to two conclusions...

1. She has God wrapped up in her life. 

But for those who may not believe in God...

2. She doesn't know pain the way I do. 

My pain is attached to me. The second I meet a man my guard is instantly up. Why do you want to talk to me? And what do you want from me? Are the first two questions that pop into my head. I have been told that it is my "aggression" that makes men runaway from me. But, if I don't keep that aggression then my heart will get stepped on. It is my shield. And as long as it is up I never have to worry about getting my heart broken or being disappointed/ feeling like a burden... again.