The older I get, the more painful the absence of my mother seems to be. People move on at different phases, and although I don't stay up and cry every night the way I use to, I know that my heart is still broken. 

I try to heal it by sharing my heart and love with other people, but when they break my heart it just takes that much longer for it to heal.

That's why I had to change my life for the better, because I invested my heart into a couple of people that I really trusted. They knew my story. They even even my heart and still they chose to hurt me. 

That's why I don't get close to a lot of people. I'm different. There isn't any other way to describe it than that. I see all things and I feel things so deeply that any close connection that is impure could "kill me." 

It doesn't make sense. In all the good and kindness that I show, it doesn't seem to be enough. If I do one wrong thing or make one mistake then the ten good or kind things that I did go straight out the window. It is painful. I don't live my life to hurt people or bring them pain or to make them suffer. I know what suffering is like. To never heal, to always wear a fresh wound on your sleeve. To stay up all night crying. Praying every single night only to wake up the next day and still feel just as bad if not worse than the next day. 

That's why I ran to the places that I felt the most safe. The places where I felt without certainty where I would have a moment to rest, before my next battle and have time to heal my wounds. But, I feel like I keep getting thrown into battle after battle without much time to rest. These are not physical battles. They are spiritual battles or for those that are not spiritual they are called "heart battles." It is when you feel like their is weight on your heart. That pressure that you just can't seem to release. Some people mistake it for a mini stroke or a heart attack. 

There are people who are suffering. Its dangerous to enjoy the simple things in life, such as going to a movie with your friends, attending school to get an education. I feel like all the things that are made to help the people are being taken away, because other people are being hateful and selfish. 

Then I look at my own life, and see the same thing. If I died today then none of the hate, jealousy, anger, fear, pain would matter. That's why I remind people to forgive. So, they won't have any regrets when it is their time to leave this earth. I know what losing feels like. I know what emptiness is. I wear it every day. Its a wound that never heals. So, I make it my best effort to bring as much joy, and love to wherever I go and now I tell people about the goodness and glory of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ who is the ultimate healer and redeemer. The Lord is the only one that can put you in a Heaven or a hell. 

Although, I know this the scars that I carry are to remind the people of what emptiness looks like and how they can be healed through the love and acceptance of Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior.