I don't really know why my mothers' passing is still affecting me. I can only come up with a couple of theories but never any solid answers on it. Maybe if there was someone out there who understood what its like to feel empty. Maybe if there was someone who could just sit and talk to me about what I'm feeling. The strange thing is, there will be days, sometimes even weeks when I'm okay. Happy. Cheerful. And then one picture. One scene in a movie. One scene in the real world sets me back.

For example: 

The other day I was riding in the car. I saw a mother and daughter sitting on a park bench on the outskirts of a soccer field. On the other side there was a daycare. When I see scenes like that I just curl up inside and drown. I know its not right. I should be happy for that little girl that she has someone there to watch her. Someone to care for her. Someone to protect her. To teach her how to love.

I think apart of me is still angry. But I don't know why. Its not like I can do anything about it. And even if I wanted to be adopted. Its too late for that now. I'm too old. Some people say that I need to stop depending on other people to make me happy. I need to stop crying over what I don't have and just focus on what I do have. Eh, but these are the same people that have a family. A warm bed to sleep in. And someone to love them no matter what changes they go through. Everyone tells me that I will be "okay." But I don't want to hear glitter talk. 

They don't know what its like to wake up empty. And its a feeling that I can never truly get rid of. I thought if I danced it out or sang it away, it would make the emptiness go away. But its a temporary fix. 

Maybe what scares me is that I'm about to graduate. And I still don't have any real direction in my life. I still don't know what I want to do. I still don't know who I need to be in order to function best in the world. I want to talk to someone. But then I would have to explain why I am the way I am. And it would appear that the more I talk and explain the less the understand me. 

I think all in all I just want to be understood. And I have been trying to find a way to make sense of it all.