Michael, you loved Christmas and decorating and shopping and cooking. I know you'd be mighty disappointed in me that there isn't one anything that resembles Christmas. There is hardly any food in the house. Not one card has been mailed out. My heart just about bursts when I hear a carol or see the lights of our neighbors.

You're supposed to be here - we were supposed to be doing Christmas big this year! But you're in Heaven now and I can imagine the celebration that must be going to…

Doing something I shouldn't be doing - going back and reading my journals from years ago. Unhappy years that were very painful for me. There were so many times I wanted to leave you and never look back. Just this time last year I had found about "her" and I wanted to leave but realized that I wanted it to work more than I wanted to leave. I loved you and wanted us.

We were not the love story you promised me. In my insecure head I thought it was something I was or was not doing. So I…

No matter what I love you. There isn't a minute that you are not in my heart and all around me. No matter what I love you. Everyone keeps telling me I have to try and move on. No matter what I love you. People tell me to stop crying because you wouldn't want me to be this sad. No matter what I love you. They all mean well I know and when/if the day comes and I do move on I am sure some will judge me for my actions. No matter what I love you. Please don't be mad at me for trying to heal. No…

The first time we met - face to face was 12 years ago this past Sunday. So in  honor of that day I took the first trip to the cemetary to lay a blanket of pine boughs on your grave.

I drove the entire 5.5 hours talking to you, singing to you, crying for you. It took me a little time to find your grave since there is only a very small 3x1 marker with some numbers. A stone can't be placed till the Spring. But I found it under a shade of beautiful birch tree. Took a blanket so I could…

Dear Michael,

Are you watching me? Then you know that yesterday after I came out of church there was a message from Cheryle that she wanted to take me to lunch and out shopping. I returned her call and we agreed on 11am. I made some phone calls but didn't get far. Seems every step I take regarding the businesses I get pushed back double. You know how rough this week was, there is no money coming in, only money going out. I feel like I am drowning in all the legalities and…