Last couple weeks I have been alternating from being angry with you to loving you and all the emotions in between. The anger is something I need to contain. I shouldn't have shared those thoughts with anyone. I am sorry Michael. The angry stuff is my problem. I need to come to terms with the fact that we are all human. We make mistakes. Sometimes we love too hard, sometimes we allow our hearts to rule and sometimes we need to reach out to people who get us. You accused me once of having standards that were too high no one could ever meet my expectations. That hurt, but you were right and so I am going forward looking for nothing and hoping that I can look beyond faces and see the spirit of people I come in contact with. Trying not to judge anyone because we all have our burdens.

There were many things you taught me about myself and life. The most important was how human you were. Never met anyone more human. You weren't afraid to make mistakes, you picked yourself up countless times and built your life over. You allowed your heart to rule your head and even though there were failures along the way it didn't stop you from finding me. I would wonder how you could trust me right from the start after being hurt so many times. Your personality was big and matched your 6 foot + frame. I loved how you were so curious about people, you would talk to people, striking up conversations with just about anyone. You could be pushy and rude. At times I would call you a "bull" as you just pushed your way through. One the inside you could be mush and would cry over your children's pains.

I got to see many sides of who you were. We should have had at least 25 more years to get to know each other. Right now I would settle for 25 more seconds. I need you to tell me what to do with all this. I need to hear you tell me that you loved me and I brought you joy. I need to feel just one more time those big arms around me. Just one more cup of coffee together. I need to tell you that I will love you forever.