I just had to share one of my good friends words to me earlier today "hope you have a happy new year jo, hope it's better than this years", to say I wanted to punch her in the face is a bloody understatement,  of course im not going to have a happy new year you stupid  idiot woman, Andys dead , im never going to have a happy new year again you utter moron, now that is what I should have said instead of just smiling back before walking away, do people including our so called friends really…

So in 45 mins it will be my daughter Honeys 10th birthday,  the ballons are up the presents are wrapped but the one present I can not give her is her daddy back, she went to bed sobbing saying she doesn't want any gifts only her daddy, so do I more than anything but listening to her crying I realise that she needs him more than me which I selfishly sometimes forget due to my needing and missing him, and then I'm reminded of my sheer anger how bloody cruel life is again, shes only 9 for…

Today has been one of those days when all I have thought about is death and is it really the end, and as much has I've been trying to convince and talk myself in to believing there an afterlife I'd put money on the fact that there isn't, and that it's just some garbage to make us all feel better about losing a person we love , I have came to this conclusion purely because I know my Andrew and I know for sure that  if he could in anyway see how much pain me and his children are in he would…

It's been 5 months now since my world fell apart, but for the last few weeks I thought I had started to turn a small corner, I stopped taking my sleeping tablets and diazapam and looked in the mirror and told myself it's time to get stronger, for my children's sake at least, and everyones been telling me how well and brave I have been, I've even been smiling and chatting to the customers at work, not like I used to, but I really have been trying , but today well... I don't know whats…