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Comment by morgan on December 23, 2015 at 1:15am

Rachel,  Thanks for the hug.  We all need them and I truly appreciate it.  I also think the idea of the towel on the toilet lid is a good one.  I have tried other things too.  In the first year I took to taking a decent sized empty cardboard box and kicking the shit out of it.  I could make it almost fly.  Then I quieted down for awhile and then found taking a very wet washcloth and slapping it hard over and over against the kitchen counter worked well.  Had to be careful not to throw my shoulder out as I was getting pretty feisty. But the glass.  The glass was a mental image of pure unadulterated destruction.  Followed by the visions of what cut glass was like.  I know I am still not capable of doing myself harm but the glass was a much larger thought of how piercing this pain is.  And I am able to contain myself more too.  I go for longer stretches without breaking down.  But when I do, oh, it is everything I can do to maintain an upright position and if I don't I will drown in my fluids. 

I think what is so inexplicable about this and I know it is true of each and every one of you writing here, is, that we were and are all smarter than what this disease called grief should be able to do to us.  We are absolutely dumbfounded at the ability of grief to put us into this abstract universe of pain where we can't find a way out. We cope, somewhat.  We do things somewhat.  We get better as time passes, somewhat. But as smart as I am (and so are each one of you) we are not smarter than grief.  It has been able to present itself as an unconquerable challenge.  There are so many things about it that just brings us to a stop.  So many questions as to why we can't get a better handle on ourselves. And its not self-pity its seems to be a purely biological/emotional/ psychoneuronal attack that just grabs ahold of us and shakes us beyond our core.  I think if I got to the core I could find a reasonable way out.  To beat it. But death takes us beyond our core into a dimension where we have no sense of its essence.  We have no clue what happens and though that does not scare me it makes it all the harder to "know" or "believe" what happened to the most precious person in my life.  I want to know that he is alright. I want to know that I will be reunited with him.  I want to know where he is.  And I cant know any of it.  Death is just too final for love.  There needs to be a discovery that alleviates this pain.  

Comment by morgan on December 23, 2015 at 12:35am

Joanne,  I read your post and my heart just breaks for you and your little one.  I think I am in bad shape and then I read something like what you are having to do and I don't know how you are doing it.  I can just see the picture in my mind of what your thoughts are doing to you and her and how the two of you are trying so hard to hang onto each other and how much you miss your husband her father.  

This whole death ordeal is inexplicable.  There is nothing, nothing that makes it better.  It's just seems to be all about how much of the suffering we can defer to another moment.  Tomorrow the 24th was when I had to take my husband to the ER and I have simply decided to lock my doors against the world for the next month while I go through all the marker days up through January 21st and see if I make it. I hope your daughters birthday goes a bit better than you expect.  The days we mark in what used to be celebration are now so so hard.

I know you are writing so you can express to us how impossible it seems to be to go forward and we hear you.  I know I do.   I don't have any answers but I so wish i did.  Not even so much for myself anymore but for people like you and your daughter.

When I see more of those little blue boxes appear in the side column now I just die inside.  I am unable to handle loss now. It's like that part of me that was able to accept things to a certain extent before his death is totally broken. I have been unable to repair it.  I walk around pretending and all I can think about is wanting to leave this earthly existence.  I have no children so I have no one really to have to take care of.  It's ok, but it does make for not much of a reason to keep trying.

I hope for you that in some way that something will help the both of you heal from this tremendous loss in your life.  And here I am crying again. For you, for me, for the world.