Well, sleep is not my friend again apparently.  I have been having lots of nightmares, waking up in panic attacks, and just not being able to fall asleep at all.  It had been better for a couple months so it surprised me that it was being such a problem again.  Tonight as I sit here at 1:30am writing and thinking I think I figured it out.  My mind is rebelling against the steps forward I have taken.  Ever since I decided to get back to work I think is when it started to get bad again.  But…

Last night yet again the monsters in my mind came out to play.  I was back in the hospital with my husband thinking he was kidnapped and held against his will.  We were holding him down so the nurses could inject the medication to calm him and he was fighting us all.  My husband had terrible clastrophobia so being held down was its own hell.  All of a sudden it was me being held down, I was Tom I guess and I was feeling all the terror he had felt.  God it was aweful.  I woke up in a full…

This weekend was the wedding of my sisters grandson.  There was a family wedding in April but I did not go to that one.  It was quite a ways away which I used as an excuse for not going but really it was I did not want to go alone.  Right up until Friday when I left home I was going back and forth between wanting to go and wanting to not go but I went.  I have to say Im glad I went.  It was incredibly hard to be one instead of two.  The king size bed would have been heaven with Tom there... …