I think I finally figured out my magic cure for constant, agonizing grief.  It is so simple but I cant have it all the time.  It is my grandchildren.  Last week my youngest grandson who lives 10 minutes from me and is almost 11 called and asked if he could come have a sleepover on the weekend.  He figured it was time to give his mom and dad some peace and quiet.  He is a very very bright, and ever more active little boy.  He has been awarded the academic award every year he has been in school so far and this year, he also won the aggregate award at the district track and field event for his school.  His papa was soooo proud!  His nana is proud.  Anyway, he came over on Saturday and boy, having him around is a tonic we should all have access to!  He kept me busy physically playing basketball, taking long hikes, and all the while he never stops talking.  We spent an hour just looking up the biggest spiders on the internet because I made the mistake of saying that the spider in the woodpile was the biggest spider I had ever seen.  So now it is Sunday night and the house is once again quiet and lonely but for the first time in months I am actually happy to have it like that because I know the perfect fix for it, have a grandchild sleepover party without the parents.  Somehow in all the pain, sadness, missing my husband so much I had forgotten the simple joy the love of a grandchild is.  As my life settles into this new pattern I have to make myself remember that Tom is gone but there are many many many others still here and I have to come up out of the pain more often and embrace them.  As alone as I feel in truth I am not alone.  As much as I dont want my life to be without my husband, it is and if he is looking down from heaven tonight he is happy and still a very proud papa.