Today, folding clean towels I realized I have stopped using one of my coping strategies.  After my son died I started carrying a facecloth in a sandwich bag in my purse.  When I would have a meltdown out in public I could go into any bathroom and sob into the facecloth.  If I wet it with cold water I could cover my face with it and it helped me calm down.  Then I could wash the mess off my face, soothe my eyes and tidy up before facing anyone again.  I never left home without that facecloth.  For the better part of two years!  I guess I stopped taking it sometime between when my son died and my husband got sick but then I took to doing it again.  Today as I folded the facecloths the stack was small.  It just dawned on me when I switched purses a week or so ago I didnt put the facecloth bag in my summer purse and I havent missed it.  Guess what?  I had a meltdown.  How can I be getting through my outings without crying so much I need the facecloth?  Guilt raises its ugly head once again.  Guilt and such sadness that life does go on, the deep agony does ease, I am learning how to function again when I thought there was no way I could ever live without my son or my husband.