I was in chat with someone tonight and the conversation started me thinking about my anger.  I have let go of that and once again didnt even recognize it had happened.  The past few weeks have really been so much calmer and I just took it for granted and didnt give it much thought until today.  I no longer feel gut twisting anger at the doctor who prescribed so much pain medicine to my son he could no longer speak clearly and one night he just stopped breathing and was gone in the morning.  I no longer feel anger at the doctors who told us Toms cancer was dealt with when they removed that spot from his leg and tested the lymph nodes. 

I now see both for what they were. My son was in soooo much pain he needed those meds and if they ended up taking his life, without them what life would he have had. No one deserves that kind of pain 24/7 for 16 long years.  At his funeral viewing I made his wife look at him and see his handsome face without the grimace of pain we had all gotten used to seeing.  He looked like the young man he was meant to be instead of the old man he had become.  I love him soo much I am glad he is out of that body that was hurting him so.  If I could have him back as he was before the accident I would give my life for that.  He spoke of ending it himself often.  His wife had total control of his meds for just that reason.  A day will never pass that I dont wish with all my heart he was still here.  But I dont feel the anger towards a doctor who gave him relief from his pain any longer. 

My husband and I did not know he had cancer from 2008 until 2011 and we lived our lives, we loved, we played, we worked, we planned.  If we had known he would have had surgeries, recoveries, chemo, sickness, recovery, radiation, sickness, recovery and we would not have had the quality of the life we had for those 3 years.  And in all probability he would have died last summer anyway.  He was spared so much by not knowing.  If he was going to die from the damn little mole anyway I am grateful he was spared all that and just got to really live his life instead of being ill the entire time.  If I could change anything it would be to go back to 2007 and be more observant so I would see that damn mole as soon as it appeared so it wouldnt have gotten a chance to spread in the first place.   

Im sure the anger will return at times, and I will deal with it.  But for now Im calm, lonely, sad, sorry it had to happen, missing my loves, but calmer.  Goodbye Anger, you were not a very good companion and I do not miss you!