I have been crying all friggin day today.  Today should have been my husbands birthday.  I should have been making a special dinner and his favorite Strawberry Shortcake Torte.  Instead I sit outside watching the lightning storms that he loved so much and cry.  But it is more than that.

July 18th my sister died on the other side of Canada from me.  She was 98 years old and I have not seen her in a few years now.  If Tom was here maybe we would have been enjoying our retirement, maybe we would have travelled across Canada as we said we would.  Maybe I would have gotten to see her one more time.  I have been trying so hard to just be ok because 98 is a long life.  She had been having some health issues so Im sure she is in a better place now without the weight of her worn out body but God, I am not ok.  She was just sooo important to me.  My dad was married 3 times.  Emma was his first child, I was his last.   Emma was the last child from the first 2 marriages still alive and I dont remember it being this hard.  So there is that but thats not all either....

My sister Susan who has always felt a little like another mom to me because we have always lived pretty close to each other and her children were my best friends growing up and still are really, (She was married and had a daughter before I was born) has been ill.  Tomorrow she is having major surgery to her carotid artery to clear up a 90 percent blockage.  I cant be there.  Im so worried that something bad could happen.  Her surgery was supposed to be today but there was a delay and it will happen tomorrow.  Thank God it wasnt today because I do not want that to add to Toms empty birthday date. 

Fingers toes and anything else that can be is crossed that we all get through this crisis intact.  But it has got me thinking about some realities that I have been intentionally or not avoiding facing.  I am the youngest of my now sibling group of 9.  I am 55 years old.  There are 8 others older than me.  Actually they are 79, 75, 74, 72, 69, 67, 62, and 61.  It feels like the writting is on the wall for our family and it is scaring the heck out me.  So today, I cry for all that is lost, all the I have and all that could go wrong.  Not a good day today.