I have never felt so alone in my life. And that says a lot. I am perpetually single and live 5500 miles away from my closest family members. I live alone. I have 2-3 people whom I would consider friends. I have an extremely limited social life. But until recently, I never really knew what it meant to be alone. I lost my mom last June. And every day it gets a little bit harder to deal with. I talked to my mom very nearly…

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If I begin to dance

does it mean I am too alive?

If I sing again

Does it mean I have forgotten you are gone?

If I laugh out loud

does it mean I have forgotten

You are forever silent?



If a day goes by

without a tear

is your memory fading?

If your name

is not spoken

does it mean you never were?



If my heart is light for an instant

does it mean I mourn you less?

And If I should get through a day

without the image of your…

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Indeed life is interesting. The people hanging out have much to say about where WE ARE. Not because they are all good or bad, they are just BEING THEM and focusing in their BELLY BUTTON. It´s human nature, that´s all. What happens over time that makes some of them OLD NEWS, is that we grow out the need to have them. In fact whatever we most admired became a new stepping stone inside SELF. It´s not about COMPETITION, it´s about looking at mirrors and trying to cope with what looks not well…

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THere is no way to come out from a loss not feeling STRONGER WITHIN. THere is no EASY way out, there is a swim against all human crap and a LOT of digging DEEP WITHIN. The hurt opens wounds that EXPOSE the SOUL with a MEANING that most won´t ever get. And we come to this point whereas we don´t have to BELONG to what is not improvement. We can let go the weights HOLDING BACK. Tired and done with the crawling and spreading the wings. Its all an inside job anyhow. We just go where our MIND…

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Today is our wedding anniversary and I'm so alone. All I want to do is crawl into a ball and die. I feel so desolate. The sun is shining outside but my world is grey and cold. I've written an anniversary card but I have no one to give it to, I feel like ripping it to pieces; like the broken pieces of my life.



It was so hard trying to find a card, reading through the verses in the shop I started crying. I hate crying in public, it makes me feel so out of control. That's what this… Continue

Sometimes the emptiness of it all visits. You know that feeling at evenings and weekends, as if life is happening elsewhere. I don´t feel an engaging part. The parts to play are just not there, inside me. It´s the emptiness and quiet that is so loud. And I pick and choose and all comes back to hunt. As if happy faces are somewhere I don´t quite belong, and quitecan[t forget. Feels like in between life or else. Not that bad because not going for cheap thrills. Not weel enough to enjoy life as…

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What does success in coping with death mean to you? Does it mean you can now walk your dog through the neighborhood and actually look up and smile as people go by?  Does it mean you went and bought flowers for the oak barrel that has been neglected for the past year? Does it mean you made chocolate chip cookies for the first time in God knows how long?  Or did you just go for a ride without crying or talk to your kids about something stupid and inconsequential?

      There are no…

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"Just Walk With Me"…

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As much as I´d like to take life quite serious, it´s not necessarily in my control and each jerk reaction out there yeah, I want to kick ass too. There is kiss, kick and put up with and as much as I´d love not to engage, life engages a few of those in that daily course of life perhaps to make sure we also belong to HUMAN RACE in the full range of what means to be part of it. I wonder what time does. Some people seems to be highly unaffected by time, positive or negative, more like 5 year…

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It´s one of those things so much easier said than done. At days I st myself in the challenge to only SPEAK positive. Well it´s near IMPOSSIBLE to say and think good all the time because the peers, events and stuations demand from us different. It´s more possible when I am away from people and the interactions. Doctors visits for instance. People and this world is in most cases so deeply ROOTED into a NEGATIVE dynamics that we feel quite compelled to complain back just because in order not to…

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When we have a loss we go through stages that arent forever, they move along like a roller coaster of a range of extreme feelings. Like a roller coaster between anger, frustration, sadness and feels like there is no end to the HURT. By interactions and a pattern of attracting equals in any level of interactions there may be, if we were to watch ourselves as the third person holding a camera to our outer expression we wouldcertainly qualify for best actor/actress of a mexican soapopera. We…

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I haven't been on here for a while. I've been trying to push my grief away I think; I went on vacation, I spent a lot of money, I drank a lot. But nothing helps, you can't push it away, you can't hide from grief; it always finds you.



On vacation all I did was think of him, a drink I knew he would've loved, a beautiful view with no one to hold my hand and appreciate it with. If anything, I missed him even more. I felt twinges of sadness and pain everytime I saw something beautiful and… Continue

Best things in life don´t cost ANYTHING. This is my experience s a pet owner. There is so much more my dog gives me than most humans being will ever be able or WILLING. In her world I am her best friend, she puts her life in danger for me. If I went hungry, she would be right next to me. When I am in bedrest she does never leave bed before I do, NEVER. She just gets food, shelter and love...but her LOYALTY is much beyond what I can possibly give her. She is my friend, companion and…

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