I know everyone says time heals. This is all still so hard! I lost the love of my life 5 months the 7th. I'm still not able to do much. I am seeinf a therapist and saw a doctor who said I needed to have my thyroid checked. Found out I had hypothyroidism so they started me on medicine for that. I still can't sleep and just want to stay home all the time. I know he would not want me to be living like this but its so hard without him. He was my life and I'm lost without him.  

I wish I knew what to do. I hurt so bad and am so lonely even though I have friends and family. There is still an empty hole in my heart. I'm so lost no matter who I turn to. Please just please let this pain ease up alittle. I never knew it was possible to hurt so bad and to miss someone so much. To just hold him one more time to hear his sweet voice tell me he loved me WHY WHY did you have to leave me??? WHY

Debbie, I truly understand your pain and I wish I could tell you something that would help ease it.  It has been a lil over 3 months for me and it hasn't gotten any easier.  As a matter of fact I feel the same as you -- pain getting worse, lonely, very empty and lost.  My family and friends try to help me but what I have realized is that this is my journey and I need to feel and be in my grief right now as much as it hurts. There are times when I have to get away from the grief and I do.  It isn't easy.  I keep a journal and write to her every day.  I don't know whether this is helping me or not.  I scream out WHY too.  I beg G-D to turn the hands of time back.  I get angry with G-D.  I don't even know if I believe in G-D any more.  Not only has my life been turned upside down but so has my faith.  I beg her to come to me in spirit/in dreams.  To give me some sort of clue that she is OK but there is NOTHING!   People tell me I need to move on, that is what she would want.  That is very kind of them but until they have "walked a mile in my shoes" well.......   Any way, sending you a BIG HUG!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbIixJI_oa4&feature=colike  

The Gerson Miracle

Mary, I feel just like you do.  My husband died only 3 weeks ago.  I feel as though my heart has been ripped out of my chest.  I can't eat and still feel such a pit in my stomach.  I was in the hospital with my husband when he died but still feel guilt. . .did he get the best treatment possible, why did it not work?. .  . why did he have to die and leave me to deal with this pain??   I look at his urn and can't believe someone who was so alive is now in a vase? I smell his ballcaps and clothes.  I look at his pictures and it kills me I will never get to touch him or talk to him ever again.  I need something to sleep and dread the morning light when I have to face a new day without him.  Funny, he always liked the fact that I would jump out of bed early to start the day. . .no more. 

Julie, It's been 5 months for me and I'm still in that boat. I was numb for the first month or so and as much as I hated that feeling I think it was easier than the pain I feel now. I have his urn on the nightstand beside our bed with a picture. I still sleep with his shirt.... that is when I'm able to fall asleep. I miss him more asnd more everyday. I never thought I'd find a love like we had now he's gone. My thoughts are with you julie

I totally understand the Hollywood director who ended his life because he had inoperable brain cancer.  Are there any doctors on this site?  How do you deal with having to tell someone they have cancer knowing that the medical options you have are so few and ineffective?

To all new members,

My condolences to all of you.  It has been three years in sept that i lost my Denise to colon cancer.  It never gets easier, but you do learn to live with the pain and separation.

There are no words Jayne, no suggestion, that will take away the hole in your heart.  My mom died of colon cancer that was in the small intestine and not found by her colon screening tests.  I still can't believe that there hasn't been more progress made in cancer treatment.  We are living in the dark ages.

So sorry Ann for your loss. It has been so painful. I feel I need to talk to someone who I can have this connection with. My mom had Pancreatic Cancer. There is no early detection for this horrific Disease!

Desiree , my thoughts and prayers are with you too and your children. how awful they lost their dad.

In Japan, it was common practice not to tell a patient that they had advanced cancer.  It was thought that they were able to better live their lives without that hanging over them.  I'm not so sure they were wrong.  I think that until cancer can be controlled, I don't see why we should be tortured with the knowledge that we are going to die and our only options are treatments that ravage the body and soul.

It has been a while since i last posted here, but to add to what Ann said, yes i think the japanese has the correct idea by not informing patients they have final stage cancer. My wife was told she had pancreatic cancer and that she has six months left to live, we as a family was devestated and came to terms with it and my wife had to accept the inevitable, 11 months later after enquiring about experimental treatment, her doctor and specialist was surprised to hear she was still alive, we had to go in for a consultation and was then informed that there was a serious problem, the biopsies and tests done nearly a year ago was all negative and there was no cancer, needless to say my wife was livid, she was so angry at the hospital and the doctors we started legal proceedings against the parties involved. My wife was in a state as she said "You prepare to die, you get all your ducks in row and make sure that you make your peace with everyone around you" she phoned people she had last spoken to over 20 years ago to say final farewells and now this. She used to say it would have been better dying as she was so prepared for it now she has to get ready to live again, the specialists and doctors never took more biposies and explained the pain she was having as nerve damage due to the laparoscopy she had and the stent(was put in due to blocked bile ducts)that was put in place. 13 months later , 2 years after she was diagnosed originaly she passed away on the 19th of April 20 from pancreatic cancer. She had to relive the horror twice, only 3 weeks before she passed away a new doctor had the decency of telling her it has been cancer all along just not as aggresive as was suspected. She could have had 2 years of reasonable carefree living without worrying about Damocles sword hanging over her, instead she and we her family was living with the fear of losing her at any moment during that 2 years. No one can predict when you will die, only God knows the time and the place.
Thank you for a wonderfull place and a group such as this as it has really helped me come to terms with the loss of my Margi.

I've been following but not writing...because I know we all feel the same..my husband died 18 months ago from lung cancer that metastised to his ribs, the muscles all surrounding them and his spine...so his death was long and painful..I sit now and know he fought so hard because he was only 51 when dx and  didn't want to leave me...I know he wanted to die for a long time because of the pain...in hindsight ...had he told me that he didn't want any treatment and was going to just let the inevitable happen...I would have lived the rest of his life with him just as I did...the Chemo and radiation destroyed his body.....and created so many other problems...God bless all...it's a horrible desease for the patient and for anyone who loves them and has to watch....Angel

The two months last year from when Tom got sick to his death were horrible torture beyond words.  His pain was never really under control and for a man that cut his knee open with a powersaw one day and was back on the fireline the next morning with 30 stitches inside and out, that is saying something!  When he said it was a 8 it was probably a 20 for me.  Anyway, what I was going to say was, it happened so fast we never had a chance to catch our breath between one crisis and the next.  I was soooo angry with the doctors for missing the melanoma spreading.  However now I know without a doubt it was such a tremendous gift to both Tom and all who loved him.  For the 3 years from when the mole was removed until he was sick again we lived.  We didnt survive from one treatment to the next.  We didnt wile away those precious days in hospital waiting rooms.  He wasnt cut apart, poisoned with Chemo, burned with radiation.  He worked, he played, he love, he LIVED!  And then he got sick and died.  Melanoma is not curable after it spreads.  The average time from finding it has spread past the lymph nodes is 2-4 years.  Our doctor confirmed that even if they had found cancer cells in his groin lymph nodes in 2008 and treated him aggressively he probably still would have been gone by last summer.  So what a blessing not knowing turned out to be for us.  Tom was tortured in mind and body for 2 months, not 2 years.  Now, a year later I can and do thank God every day for those 3 years of not knowing.

another day has gone by and the pain is still there. some peopl say to move on which is very hard to do. my mom meant so much to me. this online site is helping me relate to others who share the pain. thank you all for being so supportive!

A long time family friend was found deceased in the woods surrounding the park where he went to play basketball.  The circumstances and the scene leave nothing but questions. He was only in his early 30's and was loved by many.  The tragedy is that he felt that he had no friends.  No matter if it was murder, suicide or a terrible accident, it is a horrible loss.  I hurt so bad for his family.  I know that they are now starting this terrible grief journey where only God can help them.  I and his family look forward to the promises found in the Holy Scriptures.

(John 5:28, 29) . . .Do not marvel at this, because the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice 29 and come out. . .

See you soon my young friend. . .

Brenda

mawmaw1591@gmail.com

Its been a while since I last posted, I really don't get access to a computer as much as I would like. When I'm home, forget it, my two year old will not let me have it to myself. I still have a hole in my heart, I'm still very depressed about the loss of mom and my dear brother. I struggle daily to find meaning in this life. The only thing that has changed is that I now feel an obligation to be around to raise my daughter. Giving up would have been the easy way out but I know its not what mom would want for me. I just read those last few posts about finding out one has cancer, and if not telling someone is better than telling them or if treatment is a better option or not. In some cases, especially where there is hope for for a good outcome with treatment then maybe this should be an option. In my moms case, her health was already compromised because of a long battle with high blood pressure and other health conditions. I feel that chemo and radiation put her in so much misery and the year that it extended her life was very painful emotionally for all who loved her. Without treatment, we think she would have lived fairly symptom free and healthy for a couple of years. I think treatment made her health worse. Hindsight is 20/20, when we were told she had cancer, we were all up in arms figuring out how to get her the best treatment. Even with the best treatment, the outcome was horrible. I still struggle every single day wishing we had approached treatment differently; I feel like I caused her death and will never be at peace or happy until I can see my wonderful mom again. 

I'm blown away at how many have lost loved ones to pancreatic cancer.  Something has to be done to battle this.  With mom it was impossible to detect early on even with what we would learn later were early signs.  We were given all clear test results multiple times.  By the time they'd finally detected it, the alternatives to fight were limited down to one very long invasive radical surgical procedure ( the whipple ) with no guarantee and the risk of harsh complications.  Chemo with this cancer is considered palliative as it won't kill it.  Research is limited because of the ongoing mortality rate.  They've got to create an early viable detection test.  Although they had initially believed it was only located on the tail of the pancreas as soon as they opened her up they quickly found it had already spread to blood vessels that make the extraction useless because they can't cut into where it's spread knowing the patient will bleed to death.  It's a vile form of cancer.  All cancer is vile but this one is a monster.  My mom had fought her whole life with many other complications but it was this disease that took that away from her.  She didn't know how to deal with that thought process.  It was heartbreaking.

Anna.....Iunderstand completely....my husband was also capable of going and going even in pain...the sad thing is he did go through treatment and it took 3 1/2 years of his life in agony before he finally passed... the mental and physical torment he experienced still sticks in my mind after 18 months....I wish we didn't know...I now wish he would have just lived his life until the end ...the treatment caused a secondary cancer...went from lung to breaking all of his ribs and parts of his spine...why treatment...it made matters worse...I am grateful that he is out of pain and in peace...not grateful for me of course..I miss him everyday...but know that he is no longer in pain....Peace

Mark- my mom passed away in July also to Pancreatic Cancer. before she had it she was a vibrant well woman. this horrible disease invaded her body. she had it for 8 1/2 months . when we all found out it was too late there was nothing we or she could do. so for these 81/2 months she suffered and tried to pretend that things will be alright. there is no early detection like you said, which stinks. she was taken from us for no reason at all. I miss her each and every day. I am also sorry for your loss,Jayne

On the 23rd of this month it will be three years since my Denise passed away from colon cancer.  My condolences to everyone who has lost a loved one.  God bless

Michael my deepest thoughts and prayers are with you..I lost my husband only 18 months ago...and the loneliness is a nightmare...he had lung and bone cancer. God bless you and bring you peace.

Sad to report that pancreatic cancer claimed my brother in law's life early this morning.  Over the last 2 years he has cared for my mother in law.  She has Alzheimer and is 90 years old. Roger, my brother in law worked with mom to get her muscles toned and made sure she drank enough etc so that today she is in far better condition than 2 years ago when my father in law passed away.  They were in assisted living - which now I feel was no assistance at all.  Roger was a wonderful son and a good man . . .  His last words to me by phone were, "I love you too."  Our hearts are broken. . .

Brenda

mawmaw1591@gmail.com

I am so sorry to hear that brenda.  My thoughts are with  you. 

Hugs

Thank you Kim!  My middle daughter's name is Kim.  May you have peace.

Brenda

mawmaw1591@gmail.com

HI Brenda, im so sorry to hear of your loss, my thoughts are with you at this very difficult time. I new to this so please forgive me if things dont come out right. I lost my aunt nearly 3yrs ago now to bowel cancer, then 2yrs ago lost a dear friend to cancer & have since just found out that my uncle has lung cancer, am finding things so hard to take in as life feels so cruel to my uncle, my aunt(his wife had breast cancer 12yrs ago & luckily beat it but then cancer took hiold of her bowels then sadly took her on my mums(her sisters birthday) in 2009 & now he has been diaganosed with lung cancer

Cancer is evil.  I pray one day they will find a cure.  So much suffering for those with cancer and their loved ones.  I watched it suck the life out of someone who was so passionate about the world and people and life. 

Lynda,

Thank you for your kind words. I have lost so many friends to cancer, as Kim says, it is evil! Your Aunt & Uncle have been stocked by it and countless families brokenhearted over it. As the Bible says at 1 Corinthians 15:25, 26 death is an enemy, “For he must rule as king until [God] has put all enemies under his feet. As the last enemy, death is to be brought to nothing.”  The good thing is that Jesus as King of God’s Kingdom or Government will put an end to death itself. What a glorious day that will be.

Brenda - mawmaw1591@gmail.com

I also agree that cancer is evil...it destroys lives...many...Brenda..I am sorry for your loss...Roger sounds like a kind giving wonderful person...God rest his soul...PEACE

Hi Brenda, thank you for your kind words. Cancer is so cruel, it has taken 2 people im very close to in the last 3yrs & is now taking hold of 2more, just wish they would find a cure soon, so no-one else has to go through the horrid pain & suffering

Dennis, I can respect that approach but for me personally I feel completely abandoned by a God that some humans say he will only allow what we can handle.  What I saw.  What I watched my mom endure for the entirety of my life was far beyond what any human should ever have to deal with.  The cancer was the final gruesome  coup d'éta  That final year was so beyond a nightmare I wouldn't wish it on any one.  I remain puzzled, hurt, angry that there is possibly a God that would sit back and allow all of it.  I'm left feeling like God would have to ask me for forgiveness for doing nothing.  Was it Satan?  Maybe but then that's quite easy to create the onus and place it on something else when we are told early on God creates every thing.  I'm holding God responsible for this.  He let me down.  Crushed me.  Allowed way too much.   This is the other lovely gift I get to live with for the rest of my life wondering why he allowed this.  But for those who need to put the blame on an evil entity with horns and hope a God will cuddle them like a puppy when they are embracing the most horrid moments of life I can respect it but for me it's much more than that.  I can't let God off the hook.  There is no way I believe God could endure the life's journey we took.  God some say is a jealous God and a vengeful God.  I think about 6 months into a similar situation as ours he would have pretty much cracked some skulls so to speak and said enough is enough.  Just my opinion but your words do make me think and search my own soul and I'm appreciative of that.  Sometimes when God is mentioned I just need to let out these feelings.  Hope you will understand :)

I launched a star for my mom on the Stand Up To Cancer site.  I guess I still have a small amount of hope that cancer treatment will improve.  Now, we are in the dark ages of treatment and I am sure we have all watched our loved ones suffer.  I can't believe my mom is gone.  Almost two years and I am still waiting for her to come home.

Mark, I agree that God has some explaining to do.  I don't know if there even is a God any more.  But I know there is something because my mom was more than her body.  Whatever that more is, I promised her I would search for it and we would be together again even if we are only two kindred molecules floating through time and space.

WE become upset because God doesn't act the way we want Him to. We want to be God and have God do what we want.  But God is God and we are HIS children.  We belong to Him and when He wants us, That is His choice.  I miss my Denise and her faith in God protected her and guided her and gave her the strength to fight this horrible disease.   She was much stronger than I because of her firm faith in the Lord.  I love and miss you Baby

I understand how we feel abandoned by G-D.  I don't believe G-D took our loved ones.  What I believe is the the evil insidioius cancer took our loved ones.  Now, I believe G-D could have healed our loved ones.  That is were I become angry as hell!  I also believed that in the New Testament Jesus said over and over Ask and you shall receive.  Well we asked and asked and had great faith but NOTHING!  Now that I am suffering with my loss, I turn to G-D and I feel abandoned.  I question over and over if there is a G-D.  Have we all been taught throughout our lives in someone that doesn't exist.  Was G-D made up in order to have laws and morals in our lives?  Is G-D a security blanket.  I will tell you this, I know this young man who was never brought up or had a personal relationship with G-D and he is the most kind hearted, sensative, absolutely amazing young man I have ever met.  He has more or a heart and soul than a lot of the religious church going people I have met in my life.  So I don't believe we need to have G-D to be a good person.  Any way I will get off my soap box.  I am teetering the line on my faith.  Love and peace to all.

Kim, like you we prayed and prayed for my husband to be healed .. but sometimes we don't get what we pray for and that is like everything in life.  We cannot see the same way God does, and everything takes place in his timing not ours.  I would have given anything for more time with my husband.  Yes it shook my faith, Yes I am angry at God a lot, its ok to be angry.  But I don't feel abandoned so much anymore.  I have a very good friend who has been struggling with cancer a whole lot longer than my husband was, who has been at death's door so many times and has held onto her faith and asked for prayer and lived to watch her grandchildren grow.  I have to believe that everything is in God's timing or I would fall apart completely, I  have to believe that I will see my husband again at the throne on high .. or else why would I continue.  My faith helps to keep me together emotionally .. it helps me get out of bed and do what I have to do each day, and when my time comes it will help me leave this earth in peace.   That is all I have to cling to right now.  So while I respect all the other feelings and thoughts on here and understand I refuse to give up the one thing that I can hold onto right now, My faith in a Loving God!

Kim, would you like to have answers to some of the questions you ask about God? I would like to share some scriptures with you - it may make you feel better about your faith. mawmaw1591@gmail.com  Honestly, without faith and hope what are we left with? I don't think I could make it.

Brenda thank you for the offer but I have read the bible many many times in the past and for the past 4 months I have really looked for answers in the bible.  What I get is a lot of contradictions.  I appreciate the offer but at this time I am not ready. 

Peace and blessings

Have not been here in awhile now but still not doing good. I really don't know where or who to turn to anymore. It was 6 months ago I lost my husband. I have found myself putting up a front to my family and friends when I talk to them or see them. They act like I should be over him and enjoying life. I can't and I don't even want to talk to them or see them!!! Why can they not understand??? I've never had to deal with the death of anyone that I loved so much!! I'm going for help but they all seem to think they know what I should be doing better than her. All I do is cry because I have noone to really talk to anymore.

Kim, I will be here when you are ready. I am 61 and disabled - I have spent many years in Bible study and have found the Bible's promises the only "true" comfort. I want to share this with you when you are ready. . .  I will be waiting.

Brenda

mawmaw1591@gmail.com

Debbie S,

Grief is a journey not a destination. No human "gets over" a loved ones death by flipping a switch. It is not like that. No one that says that to you could have ever lost someone close to them. There are no rules and you are unique and you travel your own road. It is very important to talk and if you don't feel you can talk to one of us here on our support group then get a journal and start writing. If you accept my friend request or email me I will send you a private message with my phone number if you want to talk in person(so to speak). Otherwise I am listening - talk away . . .  

Brenda

mawmaw1591@gmail.com