Mark I was very close to my mom too. We had only each other since my birth. No parents, no siblings. Now she's gone I have no one to really talk to, to share my life with. We share a life and without her I'm only a fragment of something, don't know what. I understand what you say, her last days I felt I was going through hell taking care of her as I could, no how I would have wanted to. And now I'd give anything to have even those days back.

I'm young as you, but life with mom I never really thought to get ready for a moment when she would not be with me. I lack social skills to meet other people, and I think it may be to late to learn. I don't know if I'm going to be able to make it.

As for you, I would say your mom is proud, wherever she is. You are a strong man and did what you had to do. It doesn't make the pain go away, but you were a great son, remember that always. 

Hello Mark - I am so sorry for the hell you have been through. I also endured hell with my son in the few years before he passed because of a medical condition he had that nearly ruined his life and made him sad and angry all the time. So I can relate to reliving upsetting fights. I think it is part of working through all the feelings, good and bad. I also endured a horrific childhood  with an abusive father who I share similar feelings about as you do. It was just 3 months ago that my son died and he would have been 18 MARCH 31st. This month is So hard I can hardly breath. The lessons I have learned is that I had to forgive my father for MYSELF - not for him. Your hatred and sadness he caused you will consume you - not him.  It seems you may be blocking yourself from receiving loving information which could help you heal and not feel so bad all the time. Your Mom and Dad no longer hold all the pain they did here on earth and are learning their own lessons on the other side. I have worked with a medium and I have gotten an apology from my Dad and it has helped. I just don't want to give him anymore of my energy. My trauma from my childhood went on to affect my relationship with my son and that was not okay. I regret so much letting that get in the way of me being the best mother I could have been. I should have worked harder on resolving that fear and contempt I carried with me all my life because of his abuse. Now I see what a waste of time and energy it was and wish I had Daniel back so I could show him strength and love only. This is the terribly hard lesson I am learning. I hope I can find some sort of peace as I know that is what Daniel would want. And I bet it's what your Mom would want for you also. Good luck with your soul searching - it is a hard journey - and hopefully you can try to take back your life from all those terrible memories. Also when you see the numbers, are you struggling with a decision? Or wondering if you are doing the right thing? Could be that these numbers are there to tell you your Mom is there for you and could confirm that your decisions are right. I don't know , I just believe that they are an indication that you are not alone, whether you feel anything or not.

With sincere empathy and compassion. Connie

Hi Mark,

I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. I, too, lost my mom to pancreatic cancer (in December 2012). It is a terrible, wretched disease that robs people of life so quickly. My dad and I cared for my mom in her last months and it was so heart-wrenchingly sad to watch her waste away before our eyes and know there was nothing we could do to stop it. Losing a mother to this disease is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. My sincerest condolences to you.