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Comment by Donna M Dowling-Hall on April 8, 2015 at 1:24pm

Tildyc-  They have me on Melatonin and Temazapam to sleep through the night. 

Comment by morgan on April 8, 2015 at 12:59pm

Sandy,  You are in a rough place right now.  All I can say is I am sorry.  Sorry you are having to deal with the hardships of watching loved ones die in front of your eyes.  Never in a million years would I have anticipated this to be as hard as it is.  My parents died years and years ago and it was hard but nothing like the death of my husband.  I am still walking around like a zombie.  I hate. Yes, I just hate.  All of it.  If I could I would be gone but as we all know that takes only a few of us.  The rest are left to deal with the ravages of what this does to your system.  

I think it is insane that through the internet we have built a community of people who are sharing this kind of profound devastation.  How did we miss the message of death for so many years.  Who was it that was making up stories about how you get through it?  I don't want to be through it. I want to get it all over with.

Sorry I am sounding so down and it probably isn't helping anyone at all but I am so tired of trying so damn hard to pick myself up only to feel as though it is all just such a sham.  I don't want to be here and I don't have the courage to do otherwise.  Why isn't there a place I could just go and they would help me?  Life is not so sacred to me anymore.  Its a drudgery.  I need to get out and I just cant seem to make anyone understand that is what I need help with.  

Enough.  I am going to start crying again if I keep this up.  Then I think maybe more crying will finish me off because I am now a shell.   Gawd I want out.

Comment by Sandy Elaine Norris on April 8, 2015 at 8:41am

My sweet husband died 3 months ago today. Nothing is right anymore

Comment by Sandy Elaine Norris on April 8, 2015 at 8:39am

2 memorial services yesterday. My daddy is dying. Don't know how much longer he has. I miss my husband so much that it physically hurts. Can't take much more.

Comment by Fran on April 8, 2015 at 8:38am

George, I'm sorry you had a bad experience with SS. I was lucky with the woman I talked with. She was patient and explained my survivor benefits would actually be higher than my own SS benefits if I continued to work until 65or 66. As a result of her information and urging I decided to retire. Unfortunately, retiring in the middle of winter AND the grief I was experiencing just gave me more time to cry. But, it also gave me time to work thru some of the sharpest pain I had losing Bill. I have come to the realization that he is gone, nothing will change that; but, he wants me to make the most out of whatever time I have left. Everything he did was for me and now I have to keep going. I still see him everywhere I look and that helps me relive the happier times....

Comment by George H on April 8, 2015 at 7:59am

Sorry but the people at the ss suck they act like your spendingThai money I wanted to tell her I didn'task Mary to die

Comment by Ally M on April 8, 2015 at 5:00am

Hi everyone, I just returned home from a family vacation.  I made it through the 'normal' way things were supposed to go...but I always noticed the empty chair at the table every time we went out to eat, played cards, golfed- I guess everything we did.

It's after 4:30 a.m. and I can't sleep- it's now April 8th, and the 2 month anniversary since he died.  When I got back from vacation and logged in to this group, I was trying to read all the entries- but I could only scan them since the pain is too raw.  We all have so much pain, and we share so many things.  My heart is broken, and it breaks again for all of you when I read your posts.  It makes me realize how much we all hurt.

I got a book called "Life After Loss", as far as grief books go, it has some points that are actually helpful.  It recognizes that grief takes years to work through, and it mentions that our need to talk about the loss far outweighs the ability of our friends and family to hear it.  All of our friends and family don't know how to help.  I wouldn't have either before I was experiencing it.  Anyway, it's just a book- so of course it can only be of limited help- but I think it's one of the better ones out there. 

I thank you all again for your posts- it helps me to know I'm not weak or crazy- I am just so lost without the love of my life.  Please know that I am thinking of you all...I know my pain is beyond bearing, and I feel that we are all together in that emotion.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on April 8, 2015 at 1:53am

Nothing prepared for this irreparable loss. Even when Joseph was fighting his cancer and I knew it was terminal, I still hoped that he would live for another couple of years. Even seeing him suffering excruciating pain I still didn't process how it would feel when he is gone. My mind shielded me from that agonizingly painful thought until it really happened. Now it has happened and I know that my beloved, wonderful Joseph is gone forever, I feel that it is utterly unfair. People shouldn't have to lose a beloved one and then face living/existing indefinitely. Everyday I pray for my early death, I plead with God so that I am allowed to die soon. But I am afraid that just like my prayers for Joseph to recover weren't answered now my fervent prayers for my death won't be answered either. Life/God/the universe is cruel. Some days I go crazy thinking that I will have to go on living--surviving--for many more years, then I stop myself tell myself that since I don't know when it will happen, I should just take one day at a time and not torment myself with this unbearable thought. 

Other people when they talk about surviving they don't know that so many of us bereaved spouses do not wish to survive our spouses. If it were left to us, we would happily join them. But it's not something that you can causally tell an acquaintance or even a friend, because they will think you are morbid. They think that when the surviving spouse "survives" it's a big deal and they have to congratulate us on that. Again, it all comes down to them not experiencing this earth-shattering loss. That's why I have long stopped telling even friends that I pray for my liberty--death--on a daily basis. They would be alarmed and think that I am suicidal which I am not. Like someone on this forum said, taking your own life could stop us from reuniting with our beloved spouse in the afterlife. Whether it's because of religion or upsetting the law of nature, I simply cannot take my own life; I can only keep praying to be set free and be reunited with my darling Joseph. The day when it happens I will give thanks.

Comment by morgan on April 8, 2015 at 1:15am

My sleep patterns are all out of whack. We used to be in bed no later than 10 pm and then he would wake me at 8am.  It was a wonderful routine and it worked for us.  Now I stay up anywhere between 1 to 3am and then I get up anywhere between 9 to noon.  All whacky.  For about the first year and half I would never sleep through a night.  My eyes became dark sockets, they still are not great.  I need to listen to videos on low volume as I still cannot seem to get to sleep if it is quiet.  

It's all just existing because our bodies wont give up.  Surviving?  I don't want to survive.  I'm doing everything natural I know how to do to stop myself from having to survive so for me its not that. 

Comment by Tildyc on April 7, 2015 at 10:46pm

Survivor – that's funny they ask you if you are survivor.... Are any of us survivors? I really don't feel like one. And also – I get up at 4 o'clock in the morning to go to work. So – sleep is not something I do very much anymore. Everybody tells me I look so tired. Ha ha – if they only knew. My brain won't stop – won't let it go. My whole body aches anymore. That also wakes me up.

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