Ally,

I am so sorry for your loss.  You certainly made a beautiful couple. It is now such a bad place to be in.  I don't want to make it worse for you but you have a long road ahead of you.  I turned 63 recently and I was with my husband for 35 years.  I am now just passing the two year two month mark  and the breakdowns are still happening.  In fact I thought my mac was broken today and while i was waiting for tech support I was thinking what it would require to get it fixed or buy a new one and the logistics that would take and I started crying.  By the time the gal got on the phone with me I was in a full blown meltdown.  Luckily it was a woman and luckily she was kind.  Small stuff still plows me under.  Still.

You are expecting way too much of yourself as far as functioning.  Everyone is different but at one month going on two you are lucky to be getting out of bed and into a shower. Those who have not had to shake hands with death have no idea how debilitating this is.  Most people who know you only know you as Ally before Steve's death.  That's the person they know.  Right now they might as well be from Egypt and they have just been introduced to another Ally.  You will never be the same person and they have never met you before.  Trust me, this is a whole new dimension you are living in.  

Your emotions are perfectly normal if what we are enduring could possibly be called normal.  Crying, weight loss or gain, hair falling out in handfuls, no sleep or falling asleep standing up, crying more, asking why, inability to be around others and the feeling of aloneness crushing every fiber of your being.  You are experiencing everything death hands you.  And there is nothing you can do except feel it.  There is no other way around it.  I so wish there was.

I see you are in St Paul.  I haven't seen anyone on the site that is anywhere close to where I am.  I have ended up in a small town NW of you about an hour half away in Wright County.  I didn't want to be here but circumstances have their way of changing our plans.  Maybe someday we could drive and meet halfway.  I think I could probably ease a bit of your pain and let you know what this is like.  I find the only people who really understand it are those who have tried to get through it.  Comparing feelings helps. 

It's kind of like we are all rowing in our own boat on the ocean and each of us are in a different area. Sometimes we are caught in a typhoon and some times we are in calmer seas but the horizon fades in and out and we cross paths searching for that island of peace.  We keep rowing hoping for help. Just keep rowing and ask for help.  All of us can help you row.