George, grief comes in waves which makes it seem like were doing better than all of the sudden it gets worse. At 14 weeks your still early in the grief cycle. Unfortunately I am all too familiar with grief having lost two spouses to cancer. It's only been about six weeks since I lost Cherie. I haven't really had any detachment from the pain yet. I could use a week of detachment from the pain. I was married to my first wife for 32 years and when she died I thought my life was over. But as time passes the pain lessens and life goes on. 

I'm writing these words as much for me as for you. The pain is so great some days I feel that my life is over and I'm just waiting to die. I have to remind myself that I survived before and I can survive again. I remind myself that I have to keep my promise to Cherie to watch over the kids and grandkids. You will get some relief when this wave of grief passes. I hope we can both find a way to move forward with our lives. 

George,

Just checking in to see how today is going? The weekends are always so tough for me. Me and Mike would do whatever we felt like on the weekends. We would watch a movie, go for a drive or just spend time together. Now, it is just me and my Mom. My Mom is 78 and not in great health so I do have to take care of her.

Sometimes it is difficult because I can barely take care of myself. I too, play the scenarios in my mind over and over...what if I had chosen a different hospital or different nursing home. What if I had gotten more involved at the rehab. He was supposed to come home to me in about 5 weeks once he was in rehab. His kidneys failed, we think because of a mix of medication he was on.

I had promised him that we would go see his Son in Indiana when he got out.

He was depressed that he had to spend Christmas in the rehab so I promised him that this Christmas would be the best Christmas ever and that we would not put off any of our dreams anymore.

I did get to tell him how much I loved him. I told him he was the best thing that every happened to me. And, that I loved him more than life itself. When I made all of these promises of what we were going to do once he was out, he said, You promise? And, I said, yes I promise.

Now I cannot keep any of those promises. My husband is gone at 45 years old, he had so much life left to live. I'll never understand the meaning of all of this. Here I am at 49 years old, settled into a happy life. We had no children together so it is just me and my mom. The weekends are lonely and the work days are long.

I just miss my best friend. We were all we had. I will love him forever....

Hope you are doing okay today. Just wanted to say hello.

Valerie

Hey George,

I know how guilt will eat at you. There are things about both my Mom and wife that I wish I had done different. Would any of it have saved their life. No, My wife had stage IV cancer. My mom was 84 with final stage COPD. Both were gravely ill. From what you have said about you wife's dialysis not working, how long she had been ill. I bet she was the same.  I as you, would have done anything to help them. They were my life. I loved each of them more than anything. I would give anything if they hadn't of died. My life is seems so useless with out them. I did the best I could at the time. I only had their best interest in mind. I know it's only natural when you loved someone as much as you and I loved them. To look back and play it all over and over in our minds. See things that we wish we could have done different. It is just something we have to live with because we loved them so much. You are not alone in your thoughts. I assure you. I pray God will comfort you.   

Thank you George. It helps just to feel like I'm not by myself. My family loves me. I know they do, but they just don't understand how I'm feeling. On top of losing the love of my life, 3 weeks after he passed I moved in with my terminally ill dad and now I am taking care of him until he passes. I just feel overwhelmed. Thank you for being someone that I can talk to.

George

Reach out to me anytime you need. We can at the very least share in our pain. I'm sorry you are not able to get out, but please know that if you want to talk or express how you are feeling. I check my e-mail at least once a day. This journey is tough. And I know you must miss your best friend more than words could express. Please know you are not alone. I'm sorry about your vision problems. I'm going to pray for you. Big Cyber Hugs!

Thinking of you.
Valerie

Hi George,

I'm so sorry for you loss your beautiful Mary. I do understand the loss and empty feeling. Do you have any support around you? You need people right now. This group is at the very least where you can come and express yourself. The People here definitely care and know how you are feeling. I myself lost my husband on 1/31. He was my everything too. I find that the weekends are the very lonely.

Even if we did nothing we were together. We would go for a drive, watch a movie, clean the house together, just anything made us happy. It sounds like you have been a caregiver for a long time. I bet Mary really appreciated how much love and care you showed for her. You were going probably non-stop for seven years, now all you have is time to think probably.

I bet she is watching down on you from heaven. I do believe you will see her again when your time comes. I'm not sure what God's plans are for us now...One thing that helps me, and not all of the time, is to take walks. Cry when  you need to cry, scream when you need to scream, let the emotions off your chest. My husband's stuff is still sitting exactly where it was too. I am going to a counselor. You may want to check for local grieve groups in your area. They sometimes have them at churches in your area.

If you get nothing else out of it, you might me a friend or two to have lunch with or go to a movie or enjoy any activity you might have before you lost your sweetheart.

I am thinking of you and care. I will pray for you, George.
And, hope you find some peace today and the days ahead.

Valerie