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Comment by Debra A. Whitemaine on March 27, 2013 at 7:52am

Hello Dr S GH,

I read your story and couldn't believe how similar mine is.  My Dad passed suddenly September 21, 2012.  He had surgery for 2 abdominal and 1 aortic aneurysms.  He never woke up from surgery.  His COPD played a part in his death and he had tests prior to surgery.  We never expected this outcome.  Unfortunately I was not with him, my health kept me from being at the hospital with him.  He also told me several times that he didn't want me at the hospital.  Dad was my cheerleader and someone I could share anything with.  He retired in 2004 and called me almost every day until about 2 weeks before his death.  I think God was preparing me for Dad not being here.  As I look back there were many things that happened, as this was God's plan.  I know Dad is at peace and has no worries.  I still have days when it feels like it just happened all over again.  My heart never hurt so badly.  I also spend a lot of time at home by myself and this makes it tough.  I am doing my best to honor Dad and keep the happy times at present.

Comment by Kathy LaRue on March 23, 2013 at 10:43pm

To Dr S Gh and Sandy, my best wishes to each of you. I think everyone on this website is feeling very very lost or we wouldn't be here. Hopefully together we can find some sort of direction. 

I have a link to share about big cats in Africa, specifically mothers that risk their lives to save their cubs. It's heartbreaking, but also inspirational. I hope you find it helpful. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uqgOMjwUOhY A mother's love isn't just limited to humans.

Comment by Dr S Gh on March 23, 2013 at 4:49pm

Hi kathy. My mum's cause of death was also 'arterial disection', but in her case it must ahve been a massive pooling of blood as she went instantly. yes i;m also amazed how the hospital did not spot anything, aneurysms can be dignosed. Well that's a whole other story. She had had astma for many years and also another illness in tghe past 6 years which i am sure must ahve contributed to the arterial walls being thinned. I know continuous use of Coricosteriods can do that but then i know many poeple with severe astham who live to be 90 years old. it all seems so unfair, but i'm sure we all feel that losing our loved ones is unfair, but in truth any untimely death is unfair.

Comment by Sandy Thompson Harris on March 23, 2013 at 4:37pm

To Kathy Larue,

That is great perspective -my mom left me a letter where she said the same thing - have a good life.  I believe that is what all mothers want for their children.  I don't know how to do it without her but I know I have to try, but right now I'm too sad and lost.

Comment by Kathy LaRue on March 22, 2013 at 7:14pm

Hi Dr S Gh, thank you so much for your kind words. I cannot imagine what it would be like to have someone collapse and die right in front of you out of nowhere. That would make the loss even harder to comprehend (as if losing a loved one isn't difficult enough already!) It's interesting that you say the doctors said your mom's heart was fine. My mom had also been to the doctor and been given a clean bill of health just a week or two before her death! Go figure.

I won't pretend to know what you're dealing with in terms of your illness. But as far as a reason to keep living, live for your mom. Like most mothers I'm sure she would want you have the best life possible. She gave you the gift of life and the best way to honor her memory is to carry on. It's something I remind myself of when I'm feeling particularly down.

Comment by dream moon JO B on March 22, 2013 at 4:00pm

i dont thnh we r ever the sam wen we loze som 1 its like our hearts hav bean ripet out

Comment by Dr S Gh on March 22, 2013 at 3:04pm

Mark

I am so sorry for your double loss, thank you for your kind words. You are in my thoughts.

Comment by Dr S Gh on March 22, 2013 at 3:02pm

Thank you Kathy. I read the piece you had written on your page about how your mum died, my heart goes out to you and i want to let you know i know exactly how you feel.. It reminded me so much of how my mum went, with the exception that mum died instantly in front of us (at home in the living room). She had been walking and chatting to us e few minutes beforfe she collapsed. She had left hospital having been told that her heart was OK!! her death was so sudden (gone in one second) that i will nevr forget 10.15 pm of the night of 21st september 2012! I have dreams of her all the time, much more than my sisters do. Almost every night i dream that i'm with her and she's alive and well, then  i wake up and realize that it is not true, and that makes me cry really badly. I have very debilitating illness which means i'm house/bedbound. MY mum was always thetre for me and the thought of her made me carry on. Without her i feel i don't want to and can't battle my illness anymore. I think that is why my sisters are coping better because they have full healthy lives (thank god) and they have distractions to stop them dwelling on this too much. I'm stuck here and feel my life is over without mum. I'm not close to dad and anyway he's too upset to comfort or offer me support. I hardly evr talk to him at all!

Comment by Kathy LaRue on March 22, 2013 at 2:32pm

I'm commenting in response to Dr S Gh about sudden death being worse than one you can prepare for. I've experienced both and both are terrible in their own ways. My mom died suddenly of an aortic disection almost a year ago and my grandpa died slowly of cancer about 15 years ago when I was 12 years old. It was terrible never getting to say goodbye to my mom or tell her how much I loved her. It was also terrible watching my grandpa slowly waste away from his cancer. It was especially hard to see him incoherrent when they had to give him high doses of pain medication near the end. Anyway, the upside of sudden death is that your loved one doesn't have to suffer for long and the upside of a more expected death is that you get a chance to say goodbye. Take your pick. Both hurt in different ways.

Comment by Mark on March 22, 2013 at 2:21pm

Dr S Gh:  

I am so sorry about your mother and her sudden passing. I can appreciate that it gets harder and not easier;  I am at one year since one parent passed, and another parent passed almost one year ago (after the first one passed - few months apart);  I am not an expert on this whole grief process. I certainly have had a ton of experience in the past year for sure - and obviously wish I had both my parents still (healthy and alive; I wouldn`t want them suffering).

 

My one parent died suddenly, and it was really without any real warning. I suppose there were some possible signs, but there had been times where that parent`s health was worse.  We had plans to do many things, and we were working towards moving forward in our lives.  I do believe there was a lot of sadness, more that I think I realized afterwards (hard to explain);  Their passing was very sudden and very traumatic for me.

 

I have heard that many people feel grief anger about things they wish they could have said. I tried my best, and tried to say all the right things. Was I perfect? No, but I don't think anyone is.  

 

I have some things I wish I had thanked her for more, but in the moments prior (days weeks etc, it just wasnt things I was thinking of).  I know I did reflect on things with her over the past few years I can remember some things from childhood we had smiles over. It still makes me sad that I cant have more of those times with her.

 

I have tried working through grief groups locally and seeing whats on line like this message board. I know there is a lot of garbage on the net ttoo, but this board seems good.

 

I am so sorry again, I hope my sharing helps a bit.  I have learned to try and not be so hard on myself, but I completely can relate to what you are saying.

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