Kathy LaRue
  • Female
  • Middleton, WI
  • United States
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Having trouble releasing my emotions
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It's comming up on a year since my mom died unexpectedly and I still don't think that I have felt the full impact of the loss. I feel like I'm walking around with this hurt that's just beneath the…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by Kathy LaRue May 5, 2013.

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About Me:
I'm about to turn 27 years old in a couple of days. I'm currently working as a personal trainer and I'm also going back to school to become a physical therapy assistant. I already have a bachelors degree in fine art and graphic design but decided to switch careers a couple of years ago. I've been married for what will be 4 years June 6th. No children. Also, I am an only child.
About my Loss:
My mother died very unexpectedly in May of 2012. It's pathetic, but I don't remember the exact date of her death. My mom had been suffering from rheumatoid arthritis ever since she was about 40. I was well aware of the damage the disease was doing to her joints but I was not aware that it was also damaging her blood vessels. I got a call one morning from my dad saying that my mom had been taken to the hospital to undergo open heart surgery for an aortic disection (The aorta and other blood vessels have several layers to them and one layer had seperated from the other near my mom's heart and blood was pooling in the space) At first I was just in shock. My mom was only 53 years old and she had beeen to the doctor for a check up the week before. When my dad started saying the words, "I'm sorry but..." I was preparing myself for hearing that something had happened to my grandma who is 90 years old. After a few minutes I started crying hysterically and did so for almost 2 hours as my husband drove us from Middleton to Green Bay. I never did get to say goodbye to my mother. She was already out of surgery and deeply sedated by the time we arrived. I began crying again when I say her hooked up to so many macheines and looking so unlike herself. I wonder sometimes if she was already gone at that point because I said out loud, "that's not my mom it doesn't look like her." My dad tried to comfort me by telling me that of course she looked different, she was unconcious. After that we visted my mom at the hospital every day for a couple of days. She was under heavy sedation because the doctors essentially put the patient into a coma for the type of surgery they performed. During that time I allowed myself to hope that she would live and wake up the medically induced coma. My husband and I even planned for the possibility of moving to Green Bay so that we could be close to my parents and help my mom as she recovered. But several days went by and my mom wasn't showing any signs of waking up around the time the drugs should have been wearing off. The doctors did a brain scan at that point and found out she had no brain activity. My dad and I both agreed to take her off of life support. She would never have wanted to be kept alive in that condition and we both knew it. If she had lived when taken off of life support we would have had to have waited for her to die of starvation or dehydration. I am thankful that she went quickly when the life support was removed because I don't know if I could have handled the thought of her dying in such a slow and horrible manner. My dad took care of the funeral arrangements and I gave my mom's eulogy at the funeral. I only cried for a second or two at the funeral when I looked at a picture of her standing next to an elaborate cake shaped like a turtle that she had made for my 2nd or 3rd birthday. It made me cry because she was such a wonderful mother and that photo was just one example of how much she would do just to make me happy. I miss her so much. She was my best friend. We talked all the time on the phone and she was a wonderful listener. Now I feel as though I have no one to talk to. My dad and I talk but we were never as close and of course he's dealing with a different type of loss. I lost my mother, he lost his wife. Both of us are grieving but I imagine we're grieving in very different ways. Anyway, I have not been able to cry much since her death. At first I just wanted to hold up well at the funeral so I could give my mom's eulogy and remind everyone what a wonderful person she was. But as time went on I found that I couldn't cry. I may shed a few tears here or there but I feel like my grief has become trapped inside of me and I don't know how to release it. The only time I cry hysterically is when I'm dreaming. I see my mom all the time in my dreams (although I don't believe she's actually visiting me.) But those are the only times when I'm able to let go and experience the loss completely.
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