Every day I struggle to live in a world without you...this loss of you has been the single most crushing blow I have ever endured. I find now I am not searching for answers or why...answers are a poor substitute for a daughter. My physical presence craves a hug...your voice...your smile. The world around me carries on, but the emptiness of a world without you, with all it's attendant sorrows and unanswered questions, engulfs the life I once knew. EVERYTHING...changes...

I feel completely…

It's been 3 months, sweetheart. The days truly crawl. I miss you so much. Your daughters all celebrated their birthdays last week. Why did you get their presents  so early? They had a wonderful party. I complimented Davin on his choice of gifts for them and he started crying and told me you had bought every single one of them. He too didn't understand why you had insisted on buying them when you did. 

I love you daughter...I struggle without you. We all do. But since your passing I…

My dearest Devan....

I miss you.  I say these words over and over in my head. Three little words that hold every emotion in my heart. I need you. I don't want you to be gone....my mind will not rest. I think of all the wonderful memories of you. I remember the good and bad times we shared as Mother and Daughter and I feel the loss of you so intensely in these moments...these moments I should feel joy of having you in my life...these moments of knowing how blessed I was to be your…

There just isn't much hope among these pages. 

When I went through this with my husbands passing I had a breakdown. The one thought that terrified me was that I would not be strong enough to do this again. (My husbands death was the first trauma I could not bounce back from...not the first one I've endured) I was right. Everyone around me tells me how strong I am but it is all a facade. I keep looking every day for a reason, an answer, just a straw of the value of living through and…

Everyone has moved on...It is only I now who still feels the way I did the day I lost her. I could see it coming. There is no one left to talk to about how I truly feel. The negative darkness within, the deep sorrow, the silent sobbing, the blinding pain is no longer to be shared. I went to a therapist. I don't think it will work out for me. I have this need for the ones i talk to about private issues to care for me. I am not implying that the therapist is uncaring...it just isn't the same.…

My child, my child I miss you

This anguish I cannot bear

I read every post, every day...I wish so much to reach out, console, comfort, support...but I find I do not have the words. There is a desire but no ability. Only raw, emotional pain. Anguish. I wish for the desires of our hearts to be whole again in our arms. I wish we could have our children.

A whisper on the wind did come one moon drenched night in winter

Within my soul a note did enter, the sweetest voice said, "Mom..."

Spring followed soon amid the pain, A beautiful baby born,

Worldly sorrows from me were torn, A Heavenly gift attained.

Sunshine alighted her footsteps, Laughter bubbled from her lips

All mundane woes she did eclipse as I watched her while she slept

Her happiness made my heart sing ! She brought…

Just struggling today...not in anquish just grasping at memories...