My dearest Devan....

I miss you.  I say these words over and over in my head. Three little words that hold every emotion in my heart. I need you. I don't want you to be gone....my mind will not rest. I think of all the wonderful memories of you. I remember the good and bad times we shared as Mother and Daughter and I feel the loss of you so intensely in these moments...these moments I should feel joy of having you in my life...these moments of knowing how blessed I was to be your mother...these moments where the memory of your smile, kind heart, and sweet spirit wash over me and should comfort me as a warm blanket....but they don't. They only serve to remind me of losing  what little happiness I could find here. 

You were supposed to come home. I got you the items you wanted from my work for your new apartment. I wanted to surprise you because you were feeling so sad and distressed about your trials in your marriage. So torn as to what to do. Struggling with making the right decision. I couldn't make it for you. I also found a bracelet that was perfect for you. Despite whatever you were going through you kept telling me to "Choose Happiness" and I found it...a silver bracelet inscribed with, "Choose Happiness"

I didn't want to bury you with it...

I was going to take time off work to spend with you. Just you. I was working so much you were telling me you felt alone even though you were living with me.  Why didn't i just tell you what I was doing? Why did I want to surprise you? I HATE the fact you died thinking I wasn't there for you...not in the way you needed me. I HATE this life for all of it's day to day struggles blinding me with nonsense to the point you felt slighted.  I hate myself...that there was ever a day you had reason to doubt my love for you...how do I live the rest of my days with this knowledge ?