Yesterday I didn't shower. Didn't even bother getting out of my pajamas. Realizing Friday what day that was a year ago seemed to open the wound. I wasn't expecting that. Wasn't even thinking that would be a trigger. It made me remember how everything was finally coming into reach. Something I've wanted all my life. Something Gary and I had been fighting so hard for.

I saw a picture yesterday from what looked like handful of years ago of one of my exes and his wife on her FB page. She…

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12 Steps in Grief Process

1.RECOVER FROM A LOVED ONE'S DEATH REQUIRES MORE THAN TIME.

Yet, if we allow ourselves the time to mourn we can gradually break grief's grip on us. Recognizing the role and value of the grieving process orients us to accepting the fact of the death. Acceptance marks a major step towards recovery.

2.GRIEF IS UNIVERSAL - GRIEVERS ARE DISTINCTIVE.

Grieving follows a pattern, but each griever experiences it…

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its so hard everyday to get up, I feel like the walking dead. I cant think any more, I don't dream, I just cry. my dr says the drepression is getting worse, I don't care, I just want to go with my son, this hell I live in  is killing me, I just want to go. to be happy with my shawn, everyone says you got the memories, well im saying I don't want them, I want my baby, I want to see his smile, his laugh, to hug him, kiss him, to hear his voice.  I pray to die,  to be this broken in side, this…

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Tears have soaked my pillow since that dreaded night,

Longing to have you next to me and in my sight.

Sometimes the only thing I can do is breathe,

And cry and shout and mourn and grieve!

Your baby girl asks me questions that I sometimes don't have the answers to,

But for me I just have to keep pushing through!

Your big girl often points to that special star at night,

And for me it's the glow of the burning candle light.

The girls and I are missing you so… Continue

 Just that same old prayer, God, that you have heard cross my lips a thousand times--  please, please let her pass gently in her sleep...

This past weekend my girls and I went to go visit daddy's grave. I did not have the girls go to the graveyard service on the day I buried my husband December 19th, but felt it was time. It is a very confusing journey for a 5 year old. My other child is 8 with special needs and non verbal. I sometimes don't have answers for her questions! There is no manual for this! The one question that stands out in my mind is "mommy? How come daddy was taken away from us so soon?" It's nothing but a knife to… Continue

July used to be my most favorite month of the year.  Me, my sister and best friend all have birthdays in July. I normally spent the whole month lounging beach side and having a great time enjoying warm, sunny days.  This year that all changed.  July turned into that dreadful month when I lost my dad.  My warm summer spat in my face on July 6^th.  My dad had a stroke in May and slipped into a coma.  In late June we were told that he would not likely be waking up and if he did, he…

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Sometimes sadness turns into rage. Other times it turns to words on a page. Luckily for my knuckles, today I chose the latter.  Enjoy. 

This place is too familiar. I was sent here not too long ago. My heart was stamped with a life time pass that I never wanted. A membership to a 'Not So Amusing Park' where there is No amusement and No fun. There are long lines but so much loneliness... Only emotional roller coasters that seem to shoot downward…

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 By last Friday, I felt like the grieving was eating my brain. I told my husband that I just couldn't take it anymore. It was either me...or my grief.  I told him I just had to go somewhere, anywhere that wasn't a reminder of everything I am grieving over. If I had my choice of destinations, I would have run away to a deserted beach by an ocean, like the lovely oceans in JO B's photos. But since the ocean nearest my home is about a thousand miles away, I had to chose somewhere else. So I ran…

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