Debbie,

I understand your struggle.  It has only been 4 months for me and my friends and family say the same think.  They are only trying to help because they love me and don't want to see me in this kind of pain.  I had to tell them that this is my journey of grief and when I am ready  then and only then will I be able to more forward slightly.  At this point days don't get easier for me.  Each  day at this time gets harder and harder.  I remember the day before she died she put her hand on my face and said "I am dying, what are you going to do?"  I started to cry and said "I don't know".  She said "we will talk about it later"  there never was a later.  Every day since she has passed I keep asking her to tell me what to do.  Well it finally came to me.  She had asked me to watch over her son and she had told me many times to "Live fully, laugh often and love deeply"  That is what she wanted me to do!  I try to do that for her but it is sooooo hard.  But I believe that our loved ones would want us to do that.  I don't understand why she is gone.  Why it was her time.  I keep going over and over in my head all the plans we had for the future.  I keep going over how much she loved people and life.  How hard she fought even up until she took her last breath to LIVE!  I miss her every day.  I cry every day!  I scream and yell and cry at G-D.  I scream and yell and cry at CANCER!  I scream and yell and cry at her for leaving me and her son and her grandson and the rest of her family and friends (although I know it wasn't her fault).  My life has stopped.  I don't know who I am any more.  I don't know what to do without her.  Every time the phone rings I think it is her.  Every where I go reminds me of her.  Everything in my house reminds me of her.  When I go to her house to she her son, it is so empty without her.  When I look at all the things we acquired together I think of her.   Our lives were build around each other and I am confused and lost and lonely and heart broken beyond words.  But I try so hard to remember what she told me "Live fully, laugh often and love deeply"  Debbie I can't tell you the pain will get better b/c this is the first time I have lost someone who I LOVED so deeply and unconditionally.  I don't believe that I will ever fully recover from this but I do hope that the pain over time will ease up.  I was journaling every day.  Writing to her.  Telling her about my day, what was going on in the world, plus my feelings (anger, saddness, etc)  I don't know if it helped or not.  Every day, I beg for her to send me a sign that she is ok and I feel, hear, see nothing.  The very core of my faith has been shaken but that is another whole issue.   Debbie, don't let others dictate your journey of grief.  You are the captain of your journey!!!!

Hugs, Peace and blessings

Brenda Ann thank you for understanding.

Hugs and blessings

Im sorry for the added pain people in our personal lives cause by expecting things from us that we just cant give them.  I guess it happens to us all.  Im still alive 14 months after my husband died.  That in itself should be proof Im doing the best I can because for a very long time I didnt believe I would be, nor did I want to yet when I do have a bad day I get the comments and looks.  Really?  Walk a day in my shoes, try to sleep a night in my nightmares and see how well you manage is what I'd like to say to them!  I know Im better emotionally than I was a year ago.  I hope I can say that every year but I will not let it get me down even more if it takes that long.  I loved only one man in my whole 55 years.  He was a good man and I accept my tears as testiment to him and that love.

I'm reading some of your posts and its so painful. We could all write each others feelings very eloquently. I understand all your pain and anger and loss of faith. Its been more than 15 months since mom died and almost two years since my brother died and I still feel the same agony and lonliness. I hate life, I just live to care for my baby, nothing else is worth living..I'm sorry that we are all bound by this pain.

today is 3 months since my husband passed.  this weekend is my son's wedding.  the dread of going alone, but folks say you are not alone, well those folks haven't lost their solemate to a surprise attack of cancer.  ya try everyday but everynight your brain works and of course the doubts[ishould have done this or that]  i cannot see the end of the road yet   try as i may  friends run when they see you in case they have to fulfill that empty promise   i'm here for you  ha ha

Peggy I wont lie, this weekend is going to be hard.  I hope your family surround you with love and support.  Your son will be glad you were able to be there so focus on that.  Sending you hugs of understanding through the computer.

Peggy..I had a little more time than you but not much...my youngest daughter..got married last November and my husband had passed the March before ..so 8 months..we planned a funeral and a wedding at the same time so I understand....I did good...I knew he loved us both and was happy for her...it was exhausting..but I smiled and circulated for her...it was a beautiful wedding and day...try to make it the same for you...I will say a prayer foryou and keep you in my thoughts....PEACE!

Hi Peggy,  A friend of mine recently celebrated his son's wedding without his wife at his side and he said it was a really hard day for him.  So know that we are all praying and sending hugs your way .. and hopefully family will realize how much you are hurting even while celebrating and give you those extra hugs and love you deserve.  Take care.

Oh Peggy I know how you feel. My daughter's wedding was 3.5 months after the passing of my husband (her stepdad). That was so hard!! I keep praying rhings will get a little better but 6 months later and I hurt worse. I don't know what to do. I'm going to therapy but even that takes every ounce of energy I have. He was my rock. Always here for me no matter what. I need him so bad right now!! I've cried so much you would think I wouldn't be able to anymore. I just want to crawl in bed and stay!!!

thanks for your concerns.  made i through the weekend with smiles and helping hands for my son.  it was a beautiful day.  funny thing i heard mike's voice during the events, so hhe was with us.  but ever feel completely alone in a crowd.

Glad he was with you and you made it through.  Yes you can be surrounded by a lot of people but still feel very very alone. 

hugs and blessings

I miss my mom so much. why is the pain so bad?

Peggy, glad you got through the week-end and knew he was with you in spirit.  Blessings

Jayne, I think that the pain is bad because we love the person who has passed so much.   Just my thought.  Blessings

Dear Lynda,

I know what you mean that cancer is so cruel! Kim Phillips said that cancer is evil and I agree with both of you. I have watched as my brother in law lost his 4 week cancer take over on Sept 5th 2012. It has ripped our family to shreds. www.grief-and-comfort.com is a website that is email based and your thoughts and feelings are not public. I hope to talk with you here or there but talk my friend it really helps.

Brenda

support@grief-and-comfort.com

When I am not at work I am in bed where I can escape to my dreams.  My dreams seem more real than my life.

Dennis, thanks for the response.  It's hard to bridge the words comfort and death.  Maybe what I'm in search of is acceptable explanation for allowing the ravages of something like Cancer.  The one thing I allow myself to lean on in my anger towards God is the fact that I'm human.  I'm told my entire life he can do all things but when he allows disease to eat away a life it leaves me feeling like someone lied to me.  I'd feel stupid allowing something to stand and justify the ravages of cancer.  There are so many "maybe's" in the complex equation to life.  For example maybe there isn't a God or maybe God can't control death on earth?  I just don't know.  Odd enough very recently I did encounter a much needed answer to one of the many things we encountered in our journey with Cancer that had been eating away at me.  The answer was brutal but the repercussion as to why certain extenuating things happened during that hell would later be a rebound to certain things I face now.  I was stunned.  If it was God ordained it must have been hard for him to watch even though it had to be played out a certain way knowing later on it would serve another much needed purpose.  My resolve over that was very emotional realizing what it was all meant to be for later on.   My mom was an icon in our community.  A pillar in her church and a role model for hundreds of people.  I don't know if anyone here is aware of Joni Eareckson Tada  But her and my mom lived very similar life's although mom had some use of her hands and she could touch and feel.  When you've seen this life and lived that life vicariously through them you honestly think they've paid at the door so to speak when it comes to any additionally agony like Cancer.  There is unfair and then there's just down right beyond cruel should someone in that situation be handed this additionally.  It kills me that she had to endure this ugly disease.  I'll never accept that.

Mark I totally understand what you are saying.  I thought Jesus died on the cross to take away our sins and the orginal sin of adam and eve.  The original sin was them eating from the tree of knowledge and the consequence was death.  If Jesus died on the cross for that then why does death and pain and suffering still occur?   When I ask question to religious people, they always come up with an answer to justify this and that and to fit the bible to their needs.  One minute I am told to take the words of the bible literally and then when I do and have a question then I am told well what G-D meant was blah blah blah.  How the hell do they know what G-D meant.  The one thing I do know is that I know NOTHING.  What I have learned is that CANCER is insidious, cruel and evil.  I question my faith in G-D every day.  If G-D is so loving and powerful then how can he/she sit by and watch the suffering.  Maybe the Jews have it right.  Maybe the messiah hasn't come to take away the suffering and pain.  I have been studying the bible (many versions and the Torah).  So many contraditions.  So many things that just don't make sense.  I am still stuck on the many verses in many books that says "Ask and you shall receive....."  Well I ask and ask for healing and to eliminate pain and suffering for people.  When I asked many people why my prayers are not answered , I am told well G-D answers prayers in his/her own time and it may not always be answered the way we want.  Well here we go again another justification.  OK I have babbled enough.  But I too feel lied to.  Honestly, I feel like my whole religious up bringing has been a lie.  Sometimes I think being an atheist would be easier.  Why I say that is b/c there is so much hurt and pain and disappointment believing in a

G-D that is suppose to be so loving and so powerful and all knowing and watching so much hurt and pain and suffering in this world (I don't know if that made any sense).   Sending a hug your way Mark.

I think we all at times need to do some Bible research...there are websites that offer answers tosome of our hardest questions...although I was raised a catholic and went through 12 years of catholic school..I don't practice any organized religion because I beieve them all to have about the same thoughts and most are brainwashing in some way....PLEASE NO RELIGIOUS DEBATES THESE ARE JUST MY OPINIONS...Jesus didn't die to take away death and pain he died to give us everlasting life and forgiveness....everyone and every organized religion has their own interpretation of the Bible...me personally..I have a wonderful relationship with God...it's between Him and I ...and I don't need anyone else involved with it...I have buried my daughter, sister and husband...so death and grief are not foreign to me...I am handing by a thread right now...but I also know God is the reason the thread hasn't broken.....MAy you all find peace...Angel

My husband recently lost his battle with liver cancer (he passed on August 3rd).  I miss him everyday!  He was diagnosed mid-March and we had a short-but long-instense battle.  My faith is strong and the Lord sustains me with new strength each morning.

I'm puzzled why a God that loves us so much would first allow disease, suffering, and agonizing loss and then expect us to "hang on"  Hang on for what?  My entire immediate family is now gone.  We get no trophy for enduring this.   Right now I feel a bit like an abused child but a very belligerent one that refuses to think of this unseen powerful father figure as one of coddling and comforting me after he allowed the disease and the suffering.   I don't want his comfort because to me that would be tacky.  I want an apology for all of this.  I want my mom back or I want to go back in time and if it was obviously her time to leave I want that departure to be pain free and peaceful.  She'd been through enough.  I ache for her and how she felt abandoned by God after all those years of serving him.  I can only go by what my journey in life brought to me.  I can't accept someone's "interpretation" as matter of fact.  I also get the lovely gift of forever questioning if there is a God and how come some will never endure even one tenth of the hell I saw a precious little woman endure every day of her life with no complaints only to be brutalized even further in that last chapter.  So it's understandable and acceptable that I feel the way I do.  I hate it. 

Oh Mark...my heart bleeds for you. I too have buried the majority of my immediate family..I stillhave twoof my 3 daughters and 2 grandchildren...but no life...I don't believe that God gives us bad but I think it is Satan's work in the world....drugs....promiscuous sex+ AIDS...that type of thing...my husband smoked for 35 years..the tobacco industry put the carcinogens in the cigarettes not God...so you see ther eare so many ways of loooking at life....for me God has been comforting...for you he makes you more angry then youa lready are....anger is normal..horible feeling but normal...Yes it is understandable and acceptable to feel as  you do...the anger will subside one day if you allow it too...and then you can finish the grief process...trust me Mark..I do understand...I have lost so many I love...and wonder at times why my cross in life has been loss...but I have seen others crosses that I would not want either..my prayers are with you...Angel...

Hi Angel.  This place is honestly the only place I have ever really vented in depth because I feel guilty about expressing how I feel.   In public no one has a clue whats really going on inside of me as I've said repeatedly over and over "I'm doing well" when asked how I am.  I think they'd be shocked.  It's probably why some disappeared to avoid stuff like that.  I never want anyone to think I'm trying to milk any type of compassion.  I sit and crave balance.  What I mean by that is I just wish life were distributed fairly.  Some will beat cancer.  They are so lucky.  I'm happy for them but you can't help but ask why not my mom?  It's stuff like that which eats away at me. 

Oh Mark....I understand...more than you know...when my husband passed everyone desserted me...no one wanted to be around me...whether or not friends thought I was a threat to their husbands or I was contagious because of all my losses I don't know..you are so right...the only people who understand are those who have had their hearts ripped out of their chests...no one tries to "milk compassion" but we all need our souls and hearts fed and nurtured after horrible losses...."balance" is a touch one...it does come...at different times for different people..there are no rights and wrongs with grief...we all grieve differently and in our own pattern...I had the anger stage hit me one year after my husband passed and 15 after my daughter...my husband passed on my deceased daughter's birthday so needless to say ...it is an impossible day to get through without fesr, panic, pain and anger...to say the least...and I will live with this day the rest of my life...Yes some do beat cancer....I watched my husband go through hell and pain that no human should suffer fighting...and fighting...and then he got tired of fighting...and although neither of us wanted to let go of the other we had to...I am here for you as are all the others....anytime you want to scream...do it...I did use God as my sounding board..and at times screamed and cried by myself at might and begged him to please take the pain away....I did get relief....but I had to believe I would ...that He would help me and He did..I wish you whatever peace you can find in your heart for this day. Angel

Just now saw on yahoo Bonnie Franklin ( the mom from one day at a time)  has been diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer.  What is up with this thing?  This cancer is so brutal.  In less than 5 days I had my mom transferred to one of the best teaching hospitals in California with a lot of experience in treating Pancreatic Cancer and even they admitted this is the bear.  Chemo can't kill it.  The whipple is the only procedure to attempt removal but may present other life threatening results.  pet scans don't catch it early.  It took us 4 months to get a diagnosis after many tests and failing health.  They still didn't catch it had spread until they opened her up. There was nothing they could do at that point.  This disease also masks itself early on mimicking all kinds of other ailments that most doctors write off as the initial problem.  Research must increase on this one. 

My mom doesn't have cancer, but she is about to pass.  God bless you mom.

This will be the first holiday "Canada Thanksgiving" without my mom. Work was hard today hearing about all the plans people had with their parents, family...and well wishes for a nice thanksgiving. I mean there are still many things I give thanks for but...just miss my mother. I have a very young niece who is sick and right now is in emergency department since yesterday not knowing is wrong with her and an aunt who is having complications from chemo, and a pet dog who has heart disease and not doing well today at all....illness just needs to stop! So this weekend will be really no fun...plans to clean and all but no motivation...just sadness....can't visit my mom's grave to make sure she is ok cause she is buried in another province...this post really makes no sense....sorry

My Mom passed away on 9/28/12 funeral was yesterday. very sad.  have been posting in the "I miss my mom" group lately.

Thank you Joni

My Mommy.  I love and miss you Mom

I was reading some of these comments and I have to reply too. I lost my beautiful vibant healthy mom to Pancreatic Cancer in July. It is an awful awful disease that rips a family apart. I miss my mom each and every day and can't understand why she would get this. she always took care of herself and the family and made sure she ate healthy and exercised. This disease needs to be stopped. What kind of research are they waiting to do? people are passing away daily because of this horrific disease,

Jayne,

I understand your pain and questioning.  I have seen/heard of more people lately passing of pancreatic cancer.  My best friend/soulmate just passed from metastatic breast cancer to brain, lungs, bones and liver.  Cancer is horrible and evil.  Yes cancer needs to be stopped.  She also was very healthy, ate organic, didn't smoke etc.  I am starting to believe that cancer doesn't know the difference between a healthy body and non healthy.  It strikes who it wants when it wants.  I know this sounds strange but I believe that it has to do with all the toxins in the environment and if we don't clean up our environment we will see more and more people dying from cancer at a younger and younger age.  Hugs and blessings.

I'm sitting here stunned.  Just got a call from an aunt to tell me her husbands brother ( my uncle by marriage ) just passed with Pancreatic Cancer.  He was only 58.  This guy was an athlete his entire life.  His Situation was just like moms. They went months with different tests and each time never found it as he got sicker and sicker. When they did find it, it had spread.  This is now the third Pancreatic Cancer related death in my family.  First my uncle ( uncle by blood.  My moms baby brother).  Then my mom last December and now this one.  Some thing is not right right with this surge involving this particular cancer. 

This info is interesting in regard to pancreatic cancer.  On September 19th, the House of Representatives passed the Recalcitrant Cancer Research Act, which establishes a new targeted scientific research framework within NCI to address those cancers whose 5-year survival rates are less than 50%. Priority status was given to pancreatic and lung cancer.

I could speak at a symposium as many others could and point out the biggest failure in dealing with this particular cancer. There is no scan or test to so carefully isolate the pancreas that it is found early.  It's location is somewhat hidden towards the back and shaped similar to a tadpole.  It's about 6 inch's in length and they say about the size of a medium to small banana.  The oddest thing we encountered with all the symptoms was that even blood work didn't reflect a telling sign with the first symptoms.  White blood cell counts had not dropped until months later but the one early symptom should have been a huge yellow light of caution.  We encountered a sudden onset of Diabetes where she was immediately insulin dependent after every meal and one additional shot at night.  They wrote it off as a change do to her age and history of diabetes in the family but I kept stating that my entire life I was obsessed with her health because of all her other physical problems so every 6 months like clockwork she had panels and urinalysis and always her blood sugars were perfect.  They agreed it was shocking to see Diabetes show up out of nowhere like this.    They ran ct scans even a pet scan and there was nothing.  I had every thing checked and we even got one huge loud.. ALL CLEAR when it came to the word cancer.  Of course you are so happy to hear that but on the other level when you are sent home and still feel miserable and you just aren't buying what they say all these crazy symptoms are you are left wondering still whats going on.  This cancer is turning into some sudden plague.  They need to break it down.  Catch it early and there is a true fighting chance.

Debbie,

I don't know what to say other than I understand the depths of your pain.  When my loved one died, who I was died with that person.  It has only been 5 months for me. 

it is 4 months for me and mike.   some days are ok but most i sit here alone and just think and remember.  still going thru his things, then ya cry all over again.   cancer    why can't they find it before it is too late.  he went for regular check ups, every 3mons  all they told him was sodium was too low, don't drink more than 4cups of liquid a day,  but it was cancer.   don't want to live this life alone like this.  keep asking why.  no not everyone is "strong"

Hi Peggy,

I dont know why cancer is still such a horrible sneaky life stealer or why it steals the best of the best.  I know how you feel about not feeling strong.  I dont want to be strong either and when someone tells me Im strong it is so irritating sometimes.  No one ever asked me if I wanted to be this strong.  I sure as heck do not want to win a strength contest.  We just want our loves back!! 

Jonathan I know exactly how you feel.  It sucks.  My entire immediate family is now dead and gone.  Even my big brother is gone.   When my mom died in Dec 2011 that was my last connection.  Grandparents are gone as well.   I'm in my 40's but there are moments when I feel about 5 years old and I start thinking back and can vividly see myself playing  with my hotwheels on the fireplace harth while my older brother is bothering me and my dad is sitting on the couch reading the newspaper and I can hear mom talking on the phone and then BAM they are all gone and that little kid in my wonders .. where did they all go?  My moms loss from cancer was the worst for me.  I focused so much on making her comfortable I suppressed every emotion.  At 10 months after her death I'm starting to wake up in the middle of the night with horrid panic attacks.  The counselor I'm seeing said it's post traumatic stress syndrome and  all the suppressed adrenalin is not coming out.  The thought that usually races in my mind during these attacks is the realization she's really gone and I'm never going to see her ever again in my life time.  Honestly, I don't know why I'm going on through life without all of them.  I won't be getting any trophy and it's just never going to be the same.  For me living is actually complete misery.  No friend can replace a family member.  I don't even know what to do with the holiday season coming up and I'm not going to be the pathetic guest invited to make that person feel like they did their holiday good deed while I'm sitting their in anguish wanting to be with my own mom.  I'm sick of it.  Some times I really do think suicide is just an act of mercy when it gets like this. 

I just lost my beautiful wife on Oct 8 to sarcoma...a damn cancer that is so rare that only 1 out of 100 cancers are of this type ..and within this there are 50 or so varieties that aren't even classified making it even more likely that whatever chemo drug they try doesn't work (there has been only one new FDA drug approved in the last 30 years for this)..the bottom line is if you're one of the very unlucky to get this cancer chances are not good for your survival..my wife was one of the unlucky ones..I've cried every day over the sobering fact that we shall never see or hold each other ever again..To realize that is almost beyond bearable...I guess I just want everyone to know that a loving, beautiful, smart, caring, great mother and my best friend and lover didn't deserve this horrible end to her life...Good people, religious people, have told me she is going "to a better place' but I can't believe in a God that would allow this to happen...She was unlucky...a God had nothing to do with it...she got a rotten break...and so did I along with her...Damn cancer did her in...and I will never be the same because of it.

Dear Don,

My Condolences.  My wife Denise passed away 3 years ago and she had a lot of faith in the Lord.  She never turned against Him or hated Him.  She had a lot more faith and love for God than I do.  But she taught me about faith and love and lie and death.  She taught me more than anyone.  and I know what I say doesn't help you, I really know because i experienced what you are going through.  I still cry for her.  But I just lost my amazing Mom on 9/28/12 and now i know that denise's passing really helped me with my Mom's passing.  Because of Denise, I was able to talk to my Mom for three hours just before she passed and i told her how wonderful she is, how much I aprreciated everything she ever did for me, how she influenced me so much and still does, how sorry I was for everythiNG I ever wrong and the things I did that hurt her. I read the Bible to her, Denise's favorite story,  I told her what an inspiration she was, not just to me but to everyone who knows her and I told how great she was for giving me my dad. and what a great man he is and she is.  If it hadn't been for Denise and her example of love and faith in the LOrd, I know I wouldn't have been there for my Mom.  Denise gave me the strength to turn my mom's passing into a glorious event and a touching experience for me and my mom.

Love and Blessings ot everyone

Dear Jonathan,

My condolences to you.  I lost my mom on 9/29/12.  God Bless.

oops, I meant 9/28/12.  sorry, Mom.

Dear Don, I am so sorry for your very recent loss. 

just been to see my uncle today & cant believe how quick the cancer is taking him away from me. i feel so alone tried talking to my husband about it, but he jsy doesnt understand, lost my aunt to cancert nearly 3yrs ago & now my uncle, just hurts so much to see him wasting away & not being more closer to libing near him to spend every day letting him know how much i love him & feeling today will be the last time i get to tell him that as feel next time i can get down to where he lives will be too late. I love him so much & now that he has no fight in him to fight it since lossing his wife/my aunt to this horrid disease nearly 3yrs ago