I lost my 29 year old son to cancer. Life is so unpredictable, and a disease like cancer brings out the worst and best of people.  It is so sad for me to read of families being torn apart after a loved one dies; so often it is family that is the most important thing to our loved ones as they face their own mortality.  It's important to protect ourselves, yet I hope that no one closes the door permanently on their children without leaving a window open.  My children have all handled their brother's death differently; we were and are not a perfect family by a long stretch.  When Sy was sick, we were able to come together and give him the love and support during those 8 months.  It is complicated in some ways since then, as everyone grieves differently.  None of this is easy.  love to all, Lorraine

Joni I am so sorry to hear that your family is acting like this, but like everybody says many times grief brings out the worst in people.  I am being lenient saying grief, I sometimes wonder if these same people ever grieve the loss or just concentrate solely on what they are going to get out of the situation.  So sad.  Heartfelt prayers and love being sent to you.  Try to remember you are not alone no matter what.  {{Hug}}

I think you got it right when you made the statement about them greiving. In my case his kids started asking for things the day he found out he had cancer!! When he told them no they left not to be heard from but a few times untill he past away. Now they are crying how they are the forgotten kids! They are grown in thier 30's. Crying they didn't get to view his body after he past. I want so bad to tell them they never cared enough to come visit while he was alive, but
I'm biting my tounge.

Debbie, my kids are gown too in their 30's, but they did visit my husband often in the hospital and at the hospice.  My son was upset initially that he did not see my husband before his body was taken for cremation, where my daughter had insisted she be called if there were any changes in his condition.  My daughter called her grown daughter to come with her to say goodbye in the last hours of my husband's life.  I had been there all night so they joined me and I honestly didn't really think about calling my son even after my husband passed, I was crying so hard, and in such a state, I was barely coherent apparently.  My daughter and sister basically made the arrangements for the body to be picked up by funeral home and cremated.  I agreed to what they said.  As I said my son was upset until he met us all at the funeral home to decide on an urn for the ashes, I think when he saw how upset I was, he understood why I had not called.  He has been very supportive since then, and I count myself lucky that neither of them expected anything.  Both said that everything was mine to do with as I wanted.   Thinking of you and hoping your tongue is still in one piece!  {{Hugs}}

We didn't have hospice. He was not suppose to die. He was doing great from his cancer. Jan 30th he got a clean PET scan and they told him he would be dancing at my daughter's wedding. The connor told me he had a heartattack. He was just 51. He had 3 kids from another marriage and I had 2. I went to the office on March 6 after he assured me he would be ok. He had a chest cold. On that Wed when I didn't hear from him I knew something was very wrong. I was 2 hours from home but made it home in 1.5 hours. I found him in our bed. His kids live in NY and didn't come down till Sat. My daughter lives in WV and was here early Thurs. I had to take care of everything by myself. Its all just a blur. We all knew he wanted to be cremated which they didn't do until the following Monday. His kids were told they could go see him but they didn't so of course they are blaming that on me too.They didn't offer to help with anything but boy they have no problems causing problems and asking for things of his. I just want peace.

Still thinking of you and praying Debbie that you will get that peace you want and so deserve.  Take care!

Hi everyone.  I am 27.  I lost my dad in 2009 and my mom to cancer last year.  I had to watch both of my parents die terrible deaths.  I feel like my whole life is a mess and really feel lost.  Just looking for people for support and encouragement.

Hi Jamie, I am sorry you had to go through your parents deaths alone. My heartfelt sympathy to you. There are a lot of great people on here always ready and willing to offer encouragement and support. I think we have all felt just like you at times, some of us still do. I know that all the encouragement and support I have received here has helped me tremendously. Each of us grieves in our own way and in our own time, there are no hard and fast rules. Best advice is to just try to take one day at time. Some days are definitely better than others, for me now anyway. You are so young still to have lost both parents I can understand totally your feeling of being lost. Are you working? in school? Do you have other family that might be supportive? Sorry not trying to pry. Maybe you could check with the minister/pastor of your church to find out if there are grief support groups in your area. Sometimes if you contact a hospice they have grief counselling available that is open to everybody in the community, at least here they do. If you just want to talk, I am sure if you send a message to any of the people on here they would be happy to chat with you and offer support as you work through the stages of grief and are able to feel more certain of where you want to go from here. Hugs to you and prayers.

It has been a little less than two months and the pain is getting worse.  I had a reprieve for about three days (for some reason) but now the sorrow and agony and longing and depression is getting worse.  She was the one I didy everything with.  At times I wish I was with her but I made her a promise that I would stay alive to watch over and take care of her son.  I think I cry 80% of the day.  Didn't know I could have that many tears. 

Kim & Joni I to can relate to both of you. Tomorrow will be 4 months for me, but it still feels like yesterday! I've cried everyday since my husband passed away. Weds are still the hardest for me thats the day he left me. I do have anappt Monday with a counselor. The hard part will be getting there. I don't want to leave my house. I know I have to have help. I pray will all find peace soon. Hugs, Debbie

Debbie, its been a little over 3 months for me .. and I will admit I have had a few good days when I didn't cry, made it out of the house and in public without falling apart .. but most are few and far between.  Have been listening to some GriefShare tapes today and while they made me realize I wasn't totally crazy, that what I was feeling and doing was normal, they brought he tears in full force.  The tapes are a resource for a grief support group which I was able to borrow now even though the group is starting in the fall.   If you get a chance it might be something that would help you too.  Thoughts and prayers for you tonight.  

I am a teacher so I am off for eight weeks during the summer.  My mother and I always went on vacation together, she loved the Grand Canyon. Now I have no one.  No siblings, spouse, children, no one.  The days pass and I really wonder why I am here.  On this site I read about all the people who had families, who were loved, and died and I ask myself why did they die while I still go on breathing?

Ann, I know how easy it is to think like that, but its not healthy.  I believe there is a reason for everything even though we can't see or understand it.   Yes we all would like to have our loved ones still with us, but I hold on to the truth that I will see my husband again one day, and where he is there is no sickness, no pain.  Its what gets me through the darkest of days and believe me I have a lot.

Just heard Dr Oz on tv.  He said that people need to be loved by someone to be healthy.  My mom loved me, she was the only one.  I am turning 60 this summer.  Sixty year old women are invisible.  

I can relate to what each and every one of you are saying about the grief process. It can be overwhelming. The feelings and emotions that overtake your day to day activities can be disabling. I have been coping with my loss since Dec. and have found that I have had to make some realizations about my situation. I loved my husband with all my heart, and I miss him terribly. I continue to grieve every day, but over time my grief has changed. The most important thing I have done for myself is to realize that I am not in the same place that I was a year ago; I am not the same person I was a year ago. It is very hard to adjust to this new life that has been forced upon me. In order to cope, I have found some things that have helped me get through my days. I have realized that I have to set some new personal goals for myself. Some of them are very short term, some not so much. These give me reason to move forward. I have also had to realize that the people and things that surrounded me in the past may have to change somewhat in order to accommodate where I am now. The loss of my husband has been life altering. I miss him, I cry for him. But in the end, I am still here and there is a reason for that. I challenge each of you who feel lost to search for purpose in your life, and look for ways to move forward - even if you are taking baby steps. Thinking of you all.

Thank you Karen! I'm still overwhelmed with so many emotions. I never know from day to day which one is in store for me or how many different ones. I'm still in the early stages of grief and my life has been so messed up. I have to make myself leave the house still. Once I get a few miles away I feel sick to my stomach and cry. I had my first appointment with a grief counselor yesterday. I know I need that to work through everything and just cope. I'm just taking one moment at a time.... then I'll work on days. Hugs to all

God bless you Jeanne for being there for her. I'm sure it had to be difficult at first. At this point I prayer I don't have to watch anyone else go through this horrible disease. We stayed at a Hope Lodge when my husband was taking treatment. I still keep in touch with a lot of them but have not been able to go for a visit. I'm sure your friend was so grateful you were there for her. (((HUGS))) to you

Time gives us a chance to rewrite our lives I guess is how Im seeing it at the moment.  This is not the life I thought I was going to have a year ago, but it is what Im making it.  A month after Tom died I did not want to take the breaths everyone was telling me to take.  Now I know I want to figure out how to have a life.  Most days that I do anyway.  Hugs to you as you find your way too.

I am not sure the pain truly goes away, but we do adjust and learn to live again.  It will never be the same, but I hold to the hope that it does get better.  Hugs to you all.

Time heals wounds for some.  Some of us cling to the time our loved one was with us and we claw life as the days drag us further away.  What is left? A life in shreds. 

I am going for outpatient surgery today by myself.  All three of my friends are on vacation.  They are teachers and July is the only time they can get away.  I will be missing my mom.  This is the kind of thing where we were always there for each other.  Whose hand will I hold?  Who will be at home with me so I am not scared?  

I know that it doesn't get any easier to live without my mother. Some days I just pretend she is out of town visiting my sister. The weekends are the hardest. I know you all are experiencing the same. Each day we live brings us closer to being reunited with them. That is somewhat comforting to me.

Saying a special prayer for you Ann. For you having surgery and the loss of your mom.

Hello,

It's been a while since I have been on here but I just wanted to share my experience over the weekend. First of all I would like to give everyone a piece of who I am and who I have lost. I am a 26 year old orphan. I lost my biological father in 2002 and then my mother married again and I lost my stepfather in 2011 and then my mother on March 17, 2012 to Colon Cancer. I was my mother's everything and she was the same to me. I feel lonely, lost and just unequipped for most of life situations that I would consult with my mom about.  Last weekend was the family reunion on my mothers side of the family.  I was a little apprehensive about going but I went.  It was nice to see people I hadnt seen in a while but I felt alone in a crowded place which was odd.  It seems that everybody had their mothers or fathers but I had no one. I got tired of people telling me I am so sorry for your lost. I wanted cry. So, I did not go to any other family festivities. I was so sad the whole time I was out of town and just wanted to come back home. Everytime I go to her hometown I can see her as a teenager walking around playing or skipping around the old family house. I just miss her so much I feel like I can't function without her around. Looking at the groups I can belong to a lot of them. Thank you for reading!

Brette,

I understand every word that you are saying.  My story is the same as yours. My mother was my word. She passed June 26, 2011. My world came to a crash on that day. Yes, you are alone on this earth. But your loved ones did not just die and that was the end of them. They are simply (well not simply) in another place. Your mother is still your mother. You will see her again when you time comes. Until then you might focus on finding your purpose and trying to fulfill it. When we loose what is most prescious to us we are forced to look inside ourselves. What is left but that. The family get togethers are no longer part of our lives. The holidays are not the same. Birthdays no longer have the meaning they once did. This is our time to stop and look at who we are. What is the bigger picture of this thing called life.

It is so hard to find meaning when you are just hurting so deeply. But try and look inside of yourself. Get prepared for when you day comes and you have to answer some serious questions about what kind of person your were and what you did with YOUR life. Your friend Sue

we made it through the one month mark.  till crying, not as much in public, lots at home.  Today gave his clothes to a person in need.  Tomorrow I scatter his ashes to the sea, his request.  tonight I touch the box telling him he will soon be free, it is silly because he is not really there.  Still feel extremely lonely.  Don't want company, only our old life back.  Still look at his picture and ask why.  What a feeling, never dreamt our life together would end like this.  I can still picture that last moment when I told him how proud I was of him and that I would be ok, he will be ok.  Everyone tells me you are strong and can do this, I wish I was so sure.

I'm at the 4.5 month and cry more everyday. I have to made myself leave the house. Its still so hard to understand why!! My days seem to be filled with why?? if only!! I still feel so guilty because I was not with him when he passed away. I too touch the urn his ashes are in. I hold his glasses or his cellphone at night. I still have not been able to turn the night light off in our room. Its just so overwhelming. I am so lonely and lost without him here with me! I miss him more & more everyday!!

Debbie I feel your pain.  It has been a little over 2 months and cry more and more everyday.  I feel so empty and lonely and lost.  The pain is getting worse with each day.  I too question why?  I still can't believe it.  It feels so unreal.  I want to wake up from this nightmare.  What I have learned from all this is what "real love" is all about.  I am sorry you are hurting so much.  Blessings and hugs

Kim and Debbie, the pain does seem to get worse as the first months pass.  I think it is as our self-preservation shut down mode eases, more of the reality of all we have lost gets through.  For me the Worst point was at around 5 months.  That is when it seemed to level out a bit and where I was starting to be able to sleep and eat better which is just so important in any type of healing.  By close to the year mark I was having more time each day when I felt like the old me and was also when I started being able to go out in our community shopping etc easier.  Last year while my husband was suffering and then after he was gone I was sooo not me.  I do not use strong language, but boy did that become a thing for me.  Around Christmas time last year, 6 months after Tom died my 16 year old granddaughter and I were talking and she said it was sure nice to have her Nana back.  The Nana that was around during the summer was not very nice and boy could she swear!  Grief changes us.  Some changes are permanent, some are just fleeting.  We have to give ourselves permission to just be what we need to be while we need to be that.  Just like I changed and grew during my marriage, now I need to change and grow, hopefully in a good way now that my husband is gone.  Sending hugs to everyone, but especially those just starting out on this road fork called GRIEF.

I am also at the 4 month mark, or thereabouts, and it seems the last few weeks I have cried almost as much as I did the weeks following my husband's passing.  Everything sparks a memory, a reminder of what is gone.  It feels like I am in a fog and can't find the way out and I feel helpless all the time.  My emotions are haywire, flying in every direction.  As much as I try to hold it together for my family and some of my friends (others see right through me even over the phone), my world is still crumbling.   Anna, I hope I reach the point where you seem to be but right now that seems a long way off.  Kim and Debbie, I feel a lot like both of you.   I have never been the one who asked for help but the one who gave to everybody, now it seems every time I turn around I am having to ask somebody for help to do things I should know how to do, but either have never done or can't remember how.  I hope this fog in my brain clears soon, because it feels like I am only half alive .. and the other half doesn't want to be.  I continue to feel like I want to run away and hide, not feel responsible for everybody's well-being, but I am also afraid the hurt will overtake me completely.  Why is it pain and fear go hand in hand?   It's the early hours of the morning again and I have tears pouring down my face as I start another day.  Hugs to you all.

Mary Mary I feel your pain.  I totally understand especially about being half alive and the other half doesn't want to be.  I really don't talk much to anyone.  I hide in my house behind my computer.  I think my tears have filled up a bathtub.  I go to sleep crying and wake up crying.  The pain and lonliness at times is almost unbearable.  I don't know who I am anymore.  I used to laugh a lot and joke around and just enjoy life.  All that is gone.  Who I am is gone and I have to look deep inside to try and find out who I am again.  Mary sending you a BIG HUG!

Last week was one month since I lost Ron and I have to agree with people when they say that after the death of a Love one you go into auto-pilot. One month later I am feeling like I just lost him today, I have been consumed with such feelings of emotional lost. I feel like I miss him more, I can't drive down the road of the hospital that he died in because it is too painful. I don't like listening to the radio because every song I hear reminds me of him. I know they say "Time heals all wounds" but my wounds are fresh and so hurtful. Just praying that the weight on my chest gets a little lighter. 

Love to all who are hurting.

Oh Linda so so sorry to hear that. I what you mean on being on auto pilot. Its will be 5 months on the 7th of Aug since I los my husband. I went from auto to just going through thr motions. This helps me but I started therapy too. I needed to be able to talk to someone. Boy is it hard to make myself get out of the house to go.

Lynda, I am so sorry for your loss.  Reading all the posts here has helped me realize i am not alone.  What I am feeling and/or doing is not strange but something others experience too.  My aunt lost my uncle last fall and talking to her this past few weeks has helped me understand that no matter what age, we all feel the same emotions, we still have moments of tears, and unfortunately, many of us feel guilty that we are crying for what we have lost.  My poor auntie tells me she feels so guilty at times for not saying goodbye when my uncle was not so doped up he didn't hear her, for crying at what others consider inappropriate moments.  I hope that our talks have helped her to understand that she doesn't need to feel guilty, love surpasses all, and crying is OK and nothing to feel guilty for.  Many of you have helped me see this so thank you.  Doesn't make it easier to live through but somehow it helps to not feel so alone and isolated.  

They cut you, they pump poison through your veins and you see it, black, making its way through your body.  You sit together, aware of each tick of the clock.  You are too tired to do any living, too determined not to die.  

Ann, an apt description.  How are you doing?  Sounds like yesterday was a really bad day .. hope today is a little better  Hugs to you!

I have been in bed for three days.  Maybe tomorrow I will be able to go out.   I think I could stay in bed a month and no one would know. I am peaceful at home, surrounded by photos of my mom.  The hum of the air conditioner lulls me to sleep.  It is peaceful and cool, almost like floating.  That's all I want to do is float.

Ann I understand.  I have to get myself out of bed bc I have animals to feed but if it wasn't for that I would stay in bed all day and night.  I don't want to leave my house and it takes every ounce of strength to even go to mailbox or grocery store.  The pain and loneliness is get worse as time goes on.  Whoever said time heals/pain lessens is full of crap.  Blessings and hugs

Ann and Kim, It's trite to say that time lessens pain, I think its like everything else in life we adapt and continue doing what we need to be doing day by day.  The pain is still there we just get better able to move past it to go on living.  Just my two cents worth.  Hugs to you both.

Hi Jeanne.  I just lost my loved on 3 months ago.  I want to stay in bed but I don't.  I appreciate your advice however since I am a therapist, medication at this point will not make the pain of the loss go away nor will it make me happier.  I believe that I need to experience this pain and grieve.  If I find myself in a years time to have the classic symptoms of depression I will surely go for help.   Thank you again for your input