Michael I hope by now you have found your buddy.  We get so attached to our pets.  I have 1 cat and 3 dogs now and would be as upset as you if one of them was missing. 

Well it is 5:30am and I got up at 4:00am crying and I can't stop.  The pain gets worse as time goes on.  I know it has only been a month but I am so afraid the pain of deeply loving someone and then losing him/her will never go away.  All I feel is emptiness, loneliness and unbearable pain.  I am so glad that I have a site to go to to share with others my pain and not be judged.  Blessings and love to everyone.

Kim, I know it has only been a month, but your grief is so profound. Have you thought about talking to someone about all this? It could help to talk to someone that can really listen and let you get it all out whatever you feel. Take care, Jeanne

It really doesn't get any easier as time goes by.  It has been 36 days and the days just keeping get harder.  The sadness and despair is unbearable.  The one person that I loved deeply and loved me, GOD took away.  Jesus said at least 11 times in the bible "ask and you shall receive... for everyone who asks receives"  Since these are the words of the eternal Word of God, we ought to expect that they are wholly and absolutely true and unequivocal—shouldn't we?  Well we both asked and asked and asked for her to be healed etc.  So what happened, she died!  What kind of GOD is that who doesn't stand by his/her words.  Sorry I just need to vent and I don't have any where else to do that.  Thanks

I am not sure this will help anybody, but I received this in e-mail today .. and it gave me comfort knowing that I don't have to rush to be over my grief.

Sometimes other people try to help you get out of your grief by offering advice or "constructive criticism." They may admonish you to "get over it" or to "get back into life." These comments can hurt. 

Remember, you have an insight into the grieving process that these people do not have. You know that the length of the grieving process is different for each person. You know you have to let the grieving process take place, because if you try to rush it, you will only prolong the healing.

"So many people will say: 'Well, it's been six months. Don't you think you should be over it by now?' But for each person it's different, and to say those things is very hurtful because maybe that person isn't ready," says Emy, a widow.

You cannot rely on other people to say the right words and provide the right comfort, but you can rely on God.

Feeling so alone!! I should be so happy that my daughter is getting married the 30th of this month but I'm missing the love of my life so BAD! How do I go on without you? How am I suppose to make it without you? How am I suppose to be happy withouy you?? We did everything together!! The kids will be home for a week before the wedding and all I can think about is how I hate to see them leave at the end of the week!! When will this pain at least ease up a little?? There has not been one day since March the 7th that I have not cried.  don't have a clue how to live without you!!

I wrote this poem...not to offend anyone..just to help me deal with my grief:

I prayed so hard to this loving god

But this god was deaf

He did not answer my prayers

Not one

Who needs this stupid god anyway

Not I

Not me

Not us

Not we

Surrounded by people

Yet completely alone

I look across at the one empty chair

And feel a cold emptiness

Did I remember to smile in all the right places

Did I remember to cry when the conductor signalled

Everyone applauds

The curtain closes

God takes a bow

Debbie,

I know exactly the pain you are going through.  I ask myself those same questions "How do I go on without you" etc.  It has only been a month for me and the grief and pain gets worse every damn day.  I cry every day throughout the whole day.  I cry when I wake up and I cry when I go to bed and everywhere in between.  The emptiness and loneliness is unbearable.  Everything reminds me of her.  I feel like I am only a half a person.  I don't believe I will ever be the joyous, happy, bubbly person I once was.  Debbie my heart goes out to you.  I truly truly understand.

Polly,

I understand the poem and I also understand how it feels to be abandoned by GOD.

Polly,

I am so unsure as to whether GOD exists anymore.  At times I feel like we have all been lied to about there being a GOD.  Maybe GOD really is an illusion?  I don't know any more.  I hate when people say "he/she is in a better place now"  No my loved one is not.  She did not want to die.  She begged to stay alive.  She didn't admit she was dying until the day before she passed.  She still believed that GOD would save her.  She was young and had so many things left to do in this live.  So hell no! she isn't in a better place.  My heart goes out to you.

Kim,

I am so sorry that you are hurting so much. We are all experiencing the same pain at different stages. I lost the only person who truly loved me my mother June 26, 2011. This month is will be 1 year. The pain is still are fresh as the day she passed on. My life forever changed that day. I will tell you Kim, that there is God and that there is a better place that we do experience after this. I wish I knew ALL of the answers as to why people suffer and die. I know that we are all on this earth to experience many hard this. The hardest lesson is to experience loosing someone we love. The hard lessons suck. I will tell you that every day I miss my mother more and more. I have no other family. My mom suffered so much with her cancer, the chemo the radiation. It killed me to watch her. I will NEVER forget the life draining out of her face when she gasped her last breath. It haunts me. My mommy so riddled with cancer. GONE. When your mom dies part of your soul is gone. I could have gone with the hate thing. Blamming God for letting me down and taking the only person I had. But when my mom died I felt her leave with someone. I choose believe that God saved her from the pain and suffering that cancer was creating in her body. When people are murdered, get cancer, get killed in car accidents - it isn't God pulling the trigger - it is evil. Evil is a part of our world as much as good is. We are all going to die. It is just a matter of when and how. Some people live full wonderful lives and other's die young. Why? I know my wonderful mother is in a better place because she deserves to be. Your friend was afraid to die, of course she was. She was a young girl taken way before she was ready. That is wrong on every level. But I can assure you that when she went she was comforted and loved in her transition to the next place. Her fears were immediately gone. I know these things Kim.

I just do. God has not abandoned you. When you are in your worst moment do yourself the most wonderful thing: Say God I cannot understand this, I cannot handle this pain, I am putting myself in your hands to help me. And then just do. Kim what do you have to loose in taking my advice? Since my mom died I have experienced some things you would not believe. No one does when I tell them. My mother was all I had in this world. But I am happy for her that she is when she is surrounded by only love and pure joy. No more pain. If I die on my way home from work today - I would be more than ready. Because I know I will be with my mom again. But until my time comes I do make the world a better place by helping everyone with their journey. I hope this helps. I know this is just an awful time in your life. Much love Sue

Polly,

I love your poem. - Sue

Good morning everyone.  Haven't posted here in awhile.  I had the NERVE to think that I was coping just FINE with the loss of my mother but I am nowhere near feeling normal.  I recently read that Robin Roberts (on ABC) was diagnosed with MDS, a rare bone marrow/blood cancer.  This is exactly what my mom passed away from on April 19, 2011.  Only 1 in a few HUNDRED get this per year.  It brought all the emotions back once again.  I have a father and brother that are NOT there for me emotionally, nor were they EVER really there for my mother.  I pay all my father's bills, call him to check on him (I live in a different state than him) but I hardly get anything in return.  I work full time, am married with two sons; one starting his sophomore year in college, the other starting his sophomore year in high school.  I am a busy mom, but family means more to me anything.  Yet, unfortunately, the other two men in my life (father and brother) could care less how I'M doing through all this.  I speak to lawyers for my dad, trying to work on estate settling, take care of his IRAs, CDs, etc.  Nothing.  My mom told me how miserable she was when she was alive and I never quite believed her.  Now I get it.  My brother is a user and made my mother cry more than smile.  These emotions are renting space in my head and making me angry and bitter.  I don't want to feel this way but I can't help it.  I miss my mother so terribly much.  I am PISSED off.  She was a beautiful person, inside and out.  She was my best friend and always will be.  I still cannot comprehend she is gone, it still feels like a dream since I relive that day over and over again.  Feels good to vent. 

Condolences to everyone.  May God be with us and protect our loved ones.  

joni i hear ya i feel ya.  I want a redo too.  I beg GOD to set the hands of time back to January.  I beg GOD to bring her back.  I cry and cry and cry.  I don't want to get out of bed now.  So empty, so lonely.  My life has no meaning without her. 

Hi Friends,

My mother passed away 1 year ago today and nobody seems to care that I am hurting other than you guys. Not one person remembers or cares.

Sorry Sue if it helps I feel your pain.

So sorry for your pain Sue. Its so hard to understand how some people can just move on like nothing has changed. My husband passed away almost four months ago and so many people think you should just move on and get over it. I really don't think I will ever get over it. I'm sorry you are hurting so bad still. We are all here for each other. I hope we all can find some peace and healing with our grief. I don't know if you've tried to find a support group to go to but I finally did and start next week. I know I know I need to talk to others not just write.

Sue, sorry noone in your life showed you they remembered and care that you lost so much last year.  It is 5 days until the year anniversary of my husbands death.  Every day for the past few weeks has brought back horrible memories of his last days.  My family is so supportive but certain things have happened that make me wonder....  My sister from the other side of Canada is able to come to BC for a visit and will be here on July 1st.  My other sisters and brothers are coming here to have a mini family reunion and it is making so crazy.  I am hurting so bad I can hardly function but I have to plan meals, clean the house for company, tidy the yard, plan to be social when all I want to do is crawl back into bed and hide from the pain.  I thought I was doing so well and here I am back in the pain of last year once again.  One step ahead two steps back.  The difference I guess is I know I was doing better so I know I will get there again.  Just have to ride this wave out.

Dear Sue, I also feel like if i'm not remembering Denise, no one is.  And I cannot let her be forgotten, she was too wonderful to be forgotten, so i have to remember her always.

Love MIke

Hi Sue, I am sorry nobody has shown you support on this first anniversary of your loss.   Many hugs and prayers being sent your way.

Hi Anna,  I know all this activity is making you a little crazy, but on the other hand its giving you little time to think and sometimes that is a good thing.  Maybe your family just wants to be with you on this first anniversary of your husbands passing and I am sure they won't care what the house or yard look like.  Just relax and enjoy the support they appear to be offering you.  Hugs & prayers.

Mary, no my sibling are not coming to see me.  I am the youngest of 11 children, youngest by far.  I am in my 50s.  My sister who lives near me is 75 and will be having major surgery for blocked arteries in her neck, my brother who is battling alziemers is 72 and lives next to my sister so she has been caring for him.  It is because of these two failing health that our other siblings are coming for a visit. Three of them will be staying with me but we will be spending all our time at my sisters house because she and my brother dont like to leave their homes.  So no, they are not coming for me, they are just coming and I know Im being selfish for wishing for time with my kids instead of hosting a group of people who will expect me to cook for everyone for a week.  I told them today that I wanted to spend the 1st at my grandsons soccer tournie and a sister said that was ok she would help me make salads and desserts the night before.  Really?  She will help me?  How about she offer to just flippin do it while Im out of town at the games?  Uggggg, anger rears it ugly head.

sorry anne .. i was looking for the silver lining ... guess there isn't one. :(  Still sending hugs your way .. take care and take time for yourself no matter what.

Why is it that people "grown kids" that never called or came around when their dad was sick are the ones that cause the most problems!! I'm so tired of them fussing because they didn't get to see him after he past away when they NEVER came to see him before he past. The day he past away they were telling me what he said they could have and what they wanted. Give me a break!! He tried to be in their lives but they only wanted him there if they needed or wanted something. I miss him so much and love him more than they will ever know.

Debbie, Thankfully my kids have not been like that and were around before my husband got sick, when he was in hospital and are still checking on me every week or so.  But I do know what you mean, when my dad passed it seemed like my siblings all went nuts wanting this that and the other.  Personally, all I wanted was my dad alive .. material things can't make up for his loss, and I cherish the memories I have of him even now many years later.  Hugs to you.

AMEN DEBBY

Hi,

I am in a big depression. My boss has been so rude and condescending to me for about 2 weeks. I think she is bipolar. I feel so damn alone in the world. Trying to climb out of this deep hole I am in. Sue

Hi Sue,  So sorry to hear that you are feeling so down and that your boss is being such a puts.  I know it feels like you are all alone but we are here for you .. although a little late (sorry for that).  If you just need a sounding board I'd be glad to listen just let me know when you are online and we can chat.  Hugs to you.

We lost Nora Efron this week, another cancer death.  I just can't believe that there is no way to manage this disease if not outright cure it.  Cancer took my mom, she was not ready to go.  I sometimes still hope that I die in my sleep so I can be with her again.  

Every day I ask why, with all the money going to cancer research they cannot come up with a cure.  How many more friends and loved ones need to be lost before a cure is found?  So sad!  

Too many people with cancer.  My great niece is beginning a huge struggle at only 34 her breast cancer is already stage 4 in her ribs and spine. She is having a brain scan today I believe.  So sad, just so sad.  After what happened with my husband it is really hard for me to believe in miracles.

I understand about the money going into cancer research.   I lost my grandmother, my best friend and aunt all in one year to cancer and the treatment was the same as when I lost my grandfather to cancer 30 years ago (surgery, radiation and chemo).  I believe the cure is in the prevention.  I believe that there is an increase in cancer due to the foods we consume (all the chemicals and preservatives) and life styles we live.  So with that said again I believe the cure is in the prevention.

If you lived in any other developed country you would not have lost your home due to medical costs.  I feel so sad that you and your wife had to fight not only the cancer but the bills associated with not having universal health care.  My thoughts are with you.

Dennis, I agree its so unfair that you and your wife are not only battling this disease but also the financial burden of treatment.  My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Cancer.  If I am ever diagnosed with cancer like my mom was I will walk myself out to the garage, get in my car, turn on the engine, then sit there til I join her in heaven. My mom had all the tests, she didn't smoke, she ate right, she exercised, she died of aggressive colon cancer.  The doctors did nothing but torture her.  How many races have been run, how many telethons, how many pink, yellow, blue, green...ribbons have we worn?  

Four friends decided they would all get tested for colon cancer despite their doctors telling them it was not necessary.  1 of the 4 discovered she had cancer and because it was caught early was able to get chemo treatment and it is believed this has worked to wipe out the cancer.  We know there is no cure, and this is really remission, it can reoccur, but it is better than if she had not been tested, not diagnosed and was no longer with us.   Maybe this is a wake up call to those of us who put off being tested or don't insist on being tested just in case.

My mom was tested for colon cancer every five years, it was caught early but it was an aggressive type of cancer and they could do nothing except offer false hope.  I wish she had lived out her life without the surgery, without the bag they put on her that made her cry every day, without the chemo that made her lose her hair and left her too frail to enjoy what time she had left.

Ann I understand what you are saying.  I understand the agony and pain.  I understand what an insidious monster cancer is.  All the money put into cancer and we still have nothing better than radiation and chemo. 

Ann I am so sorry I was not suggesting your Mom had not been tested and the cancer found early.  I know this friend and many others have survived and are doing well, and I hoped to encourage others to be tested.  I'm not advocating suicide either though,  I, myself, have no intention of going through the pain I watched my husband go through so my personal decision is not to be tested.  A decision my kids don't understand, but as I told them non knowing whether I have cancer or not means I can live each and every day like its my last without being pressured to take a treatment that I know is painful, debilitating and takes away all dignity.  Please forgive me if I caused you more pain by my comment.  My heart goes out to everybody on here who has lost a loved one after watching the devastating effects of the treatment and the course of this insidious disease.  Hugs to you!

So sad, confussed, lonely, lost I think this list goes on and on!! Oh yeah and most of all HURT!! You would think in a time of a terrible lose it would bring a family closer together. Instead its brought out the greed in the ones that were never around.. . . . . untill now. Its not I'm sorry I know you are hurting its I want, I get, he said. . . . . It will be four months Sat and this is still all I'm hearing!! Their dad knew this is how they would be acting. It hurts to know they are doing this. All I can say is thank goodness for the will!! I love you babe and miss you more and more everyday!! 

Debbie, thoughts and prayers being sent your way.  Its been almost 4 months since my husband passed and I am still hurting too.  Just thankful that I have friends and a few family that continue to be supportive.

Debbie I can totally agree with what you are going through, finally someone that makes me feel like I am not totally crazy. My Mom told me that Funerals and Weddings can bring out the best and worst in people and boy wasn't she right. I lost my husband June 18 of this year and my hurt has turned to anger over how his children have acted since his death. 

OMG Debbie, you are so right about the family thing. I thought I only lost my husband, but now a year and a half later it is both my stepsons and my own son and my grandchildren. I could care less about the steps as they made off with a $50,000 life insurance policy that they knew was for me. I disowned the bastards after raising them. My own son acted like he was taking over my life and trying to run it. In the first year after Harry died I have given him and his wife and kids $25,000. Money I could have used and need. My bad. Now that I sold my house and moved even closer to the grandkids, my son will not speak to me because my brother and sister are living with me. My choice. They pay rent we get along and everything is fine with us. The problem is that when my brother moved in, my son felt like he was losing his grip and hold on me. He suddenly hates his uncle and will not let my grandkids come to my house. They have cut off all contact with me and will not let me take the kids anywhere. In the last 10 years I have helped him with over $100,000 trying to get him on his feet. My bad again. I paid all that money off and left myself in a less favorable situation then I should be at this point. So last week for the second time I redid my will and gave my brother and sister lifetimes rights to my house and contents if anything should happen to me. My son will inherit but won't be able to touch it until they pass as well. You reep what you sow. I know that if I did not do it, he would kick them out on the street if I died and smile while he did it. So Desiree your mom was very right about funerals and weddings. It is sad that I lost all of them because of greed. On a lighter note I am not being nickeled and dimed by my son anymore. He is standing on his own feet and having to make it on his own finally. Yes I know, my bad again. Live and learn.

Thank you Mary. Thank goodness I have alot of good friends and also family members minus a few. Desiree, sorry I lost connection while we were in the middle of chat. Will look for you later.

This is so sad! Its hard enough to try to handle our loss and to greive without having to deal with all the drama!! Joni I know about the facebook stuff too. I just don't get it. Its sad that death brings out the greed and true colors of some. Jeanne & Joni so sorry you are dealing with this too. Hugs to you all