hey guys...feeling the same as all the posts below:( all i can offer is hugs and prayers to all...much love, joni

It's been almost 2 1/2 years since my Denise went to be with the Lord.  I am still having a difficult time with the loneliness and the sadness.  I have been in therapy since she passed away and it is the only thing that helps me.  I cannot imagine life without therapy.  I cry almost everyday and this site still helps me remember I am not alone in this journey of recovery.  God bless you all.

Love,

MIKE

I agree....it does not get better with time and I want to scream everytime I hear that. I lost my mom (who was my best friend) on Jan 22, 2010. She had stage 4 lung cancer yet never smoked a day in her life. She fought hard, but sadly she lost her battle. For me, the time makes it harder because with each day...its a day longer since I last talked to her. I try not to look too far into the future or I have a total breakdown. For me, taking this grief and crappy new way of life is easier if I just look at it one day at a time. I can't think about too far into the future because it hurts too bad. I will never get used to this or like it, but I am praying I can learn to cope better.

I agree, nothing will ever be the same. I struggle with acceptance. I avoid the thought that mom is gone from this world forever. Life just feels like one long empty day, nothing to break the pain. I just do what I have to do to make it through the day. If I didn't have a baby, I would probably never leave my bed. I'm just so exhausted physically and mentally, no amount of sleep is giving me relief. To add insult to injury, we just lost our brother in law three days ago to a car wreck. He was so young, my sister is completely devastated; I hurt so badly for her and her kids. Lord, when will we ever catch a break?

Dear All -

It's hard.  And it sucks.  And it isn't fair.  And losing someone who didn't deserve this, well, there are no words.  And I'm sorry to be the one to say it - people die.  That doesn't make it easier.  There've been many days when I've wanted to die and if I didn't have my two daughters, I probably would have found a way by now.  Don died Nov. 22, 2010.  Does it get easier?  I don't know; I don't have meltdowns anymore; do I get emotional and cry when I talk about it?  Yes.  Do I miss him as much as ever?  Yes.  Do I get through each day with just a little less pain?  Yes.  I've said it before and I'll say it again.  There is NO timeline for this; each person who has a loss has to deal with it the best they can on their own terms.  And yes, if one more person tries to tell me something about how to grieve this loss, when they have no experience of this kind, I might just rip their tongue out of their mouth.  My sister in law, when my dad was dying, took it upon herself to tell me how I "should" be grieving for Don.  About 20 years ago - or more - she worked for several months as a volunteer coordinator for a hospice; she thinks that makes her the big expert.  But she never worked with grieving people.  I have, even before I became the griever.  Then she had the nerve to tell me that she DOES know what it's like to be alone because my brother travels 2 weeks each month for work.  Well, BUT HE COMES HOME!!!!  My Don is NEVER COMING HOME I wanted to just shout it at her, but she wouldn't get it.  I've just had so much loss this past year and a half; my husband, my father in law, my dog, my dad and now my relationship with this brother, who I always went to with everything.  Yeah, loss sucks.  So when will we ever catch a break?  Maybe we won't; maybe we have to make our own breaks.  I force myself to go out and socialize; I force myself to interact with people - honestly, most days I would rather just stay in bed, too; even now.  I have to admit in some ways it's gotten better for me, but I can't say exactly how.  It's hard to find happiness - if I didn't have my daughters and my two grandbabies, I probably wouldn't even have the desire to look for it.  I'll never know the kind of love I had with Don; no one will ever love me the way he loved me, and I can't see myself ever loving anyone the way I loved him.  We were so right for each other; such a good fit; we just clicked so well; all of those private jokes that no one else gets; that's something I really miss.  I talk to him all the time; I know he's be to visit, especially when I need him - he's in my dreams; he's not doing anything, he's just "there", so I do really thing he is "there;" somewhere nearby.  

The hardest part for me has been the loneliness.  It's hard to not have a companion to share things with.  My mom has early Alzheimer's and that's another loss because it's like losing her while she's really still here.  

Well, sorry to go on an rant... but thanks for listening. And you know what? It's so good to know we are all here for each other, and we can say whatever we need to or want to with no judgment.  That's hard to find.  I'm sorry we're here, but here we are. 

Dear Jodie,

My deepest Condolences

Cynthia, always feel free to come here and say whatever is on your mind, you never know when you'll help someone. I'm mourning another loss, my brother in lawy, he died on Sunday in a car wreck. Him and my sister were married for 32 years and had four kids. Its totally devastating, am hurting so badly for my sister. I've been leaning on her these last few months with the loss of my mom and brother. Now I'm so concerned about her, she was the glue that held us all together

mercy are you serious? im so sorry hun, gosh....you dont need this

My Jeans almost best friend died today.I say almost because sometime ago i asked her who her best friend was. I thought she would say Marge or Mary But no. What she said was in no unscertain words with an almost angry look on her face like how can you ask that? She said YOU ARE .You are the one i can tell my deepest secrets to, the one that will stand by me even if i am wrong on something and then will let me vent any anger i have which i do at times,.But most of all because i love you. I have never forgotten that . Now her second best friend went to join her. Her name was Marge.She was also by my wifes bedside when she left. How sad life sometimes is.  All you can do is the best you can and hope  That God will help you through these very hard times.

People keep telling me that I need to "Let her go"...talking about my mom. I get angry when they say it because I don't want to let her go! Maybe hanging onto my pain and grief in some weird way is a way of holding onto her here....its all I have left. I have all of her clothes vacuum sealed so that the scent will not fade and I have those clothes thinking that one day she may come back and need them. It is easier for me to pretend like my mom is away on vacation and that is why I haven't talked to her. I still pray every night when I go to sleep that I will wake up and it was all just a bad dream. There is a song that I would like for you all to listen to because as I read these posts, I think this song really applies to all of us. The people we lost were AMAZING people, so the grief is a slow process. Listen to this song and I hope it helps you all....we will be with them again....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbsBUf9VKyc&ob=av2e

My denise was the "Most Wonderful Person Ever"

Am so sorry Michael. My sister just lost her soulmate, her husband of 32 years. I'm so devastated; I feel like we are not getting a break in my family. George was such a wonderful man, a sweet quiet soul. He died in a car wreck, only 57 years old. Please pray for my sister; I'm hurting so bad, I cannot imagine how her and the kids are coping.

Rachel I feel the same way, how could God allow this? He was a healthy, vibrant man, very loving and caring father. He had also had many losses in his family in the last few years, his brothers are all gone and his sister too. I'm hurting so bad, I don't even have the right words to describe the pain of so many losses.

On the 4th of February 2012 I've lost my sister, only 28 years young, after a long battle of leukemia. 

People tell me life goes on, to get over it, that there is so much to enjoy. I can't.

Ever since I'm a wreck. I can't sleep at night because I dream about her and wake up in panic because all of the sudden I realize she's not with us any longer.

With each day passing I ask myself, how much longer?

Well in one week it will be the 1 year anniversary to the loss of my sweetbaby, my husband.

Reading our comments here, I see many are experiencing the "let them go" comments. Here is what just popped in to my head, and I hope you can find the strength to use it when someone tells you to let go.....

I did let go, I had no control, the Lord took my sweetheart to heaven with out asking, just took them away, but what I want you to know, is that no, I will not let go, no, I will not let go of the memories, the love, and the missing them so The hurt and pain I feel so deeply is mine and I own it, if you can not support my hurt and tears, and hug me when I need it, the go....let me be...you do not understand the loss and it is easy to tell someone to let go....but it is not your heart just remember, it is mine.

my condolences to the new people and also to my old friends as well.

You will never let go. What you do is put on a thicker skin. All you do in time is learn how to hide it better. That way you do not have to hear all that bull shit about how it will get better, when you know damn well it will never get better.

In dealing with sorrow and loss, it's never easy. I looked up to my father who struggled throughout his life. I always realize to take one day at a time. Everyone, including my father grieved once too over the loss of his mother and he endured a life with tremendous strength and courage. If he can endure, than I can too. As much as it hurts that he is gone, I can only wait till we meet again. Alas, each day I try to find something to smile about, because I know there's more to life than the suffering that we may feel and witness. Life keeps going forward, as we must too. 

Hi everyone.  I'm hearing so many people here talking about what others say - about you have to let go.  They have no idea what they are talking about it's something people say to avoid their own fear and discomfort.  My soulmate, my heart, my love, my Don died Nov. 12, 2010.  I will NEVER let go.  He will always be in my heart.  I think what's hard for me are the reactions of people when they learn I am a "widow."   Yes, I still have meltdowns occasionally, but nothing like when the loss was "new."  But there's been so much loss in my life since Don died, that each new one just triggers losing him.  So I get more emotional, feel more vulnerable.  I keep thinking - I just can't help it - why won't G-d take me?  I'm ready.  If I didn't have my daughter's and grandsons, I'd probably have found a way to leave this world.  And what's strange for me is that neither Don or I were religious; we didn't hold much of a belief in G-d, but after Don died, and watching him at the end reaching out to something that no one else could see, and then KNOWING he's been here from time to time has really changed my belief system. And now there's apart of me that is afraid if I take my own life, I'll never see him again; that G-d would keep my spirit or soul or whatever there is from being with him in the next life.  

So anyway... it's just weird for me.

And I would agree with those who said you never let go; and when someone tells you that you have to "move on;" "get over it;" "let go;"  I just say, thank you for sharing.  Please don't tell me how to grieve unless you've been here.  No one who hasn't lost the love of their life has any idea what it is like.  

Thank you for letting me ramble.

Meghann am so sorry for your loss and no one should tell you to just get over it, that is so insensitive. There is no time limit for mourning a loved one. I lost my dad in '94 and whenever I hear of someone who died of the same injuries he died of, I still cry. Since then, I've lost two brothers, my mom and just over a week ago, my sisters husband. I feel like am in mourning all the time, and will not apologize for it. This is the one place you can come and you will feel embraced and have all your feelings validated. I don't even talk to my family or friends about my grief anymore, it just feels like they don't get it, I just come here and pour my heart out, I feel understood.

Dear Mercy and Meghann,

Well, said.

so sad today .... sometimes not even sure what i feel-allthough i almost felt good the other day and then felt quilty and condemned for feeling good-like how could i possibly feel good when melvin is dead , just dosent seem right-on the rollercoaster of ups and downs, with no way to get off....ugh ...God help me (us) to deal with this pain and sadness....tomorrow will be better....love and hugs to all

Joni, I hate the roller coaster too.  It was a shock the first time I laughed out loud after Tom died.  It hit me like a slap in the face, with guilt, and then huge sorrow.  That was months ago and sometimes I still find myself feeling guilty for feeling even ok.  But we do know, in our hearts, that our loved ones would want us to go on a live a happy life.  They would not want us to feel the guilt.  Now if I could only follow this advice it would be great.  I hope you're right and tomorrow will be better. 

I spoke to my therapist about guilt.  She mentioned we feel guilt about surviving, because we feel helpless when our loved one pass away and we cannot help them.  we feel guilty because we couldn't do anything for them and that guilty feeling can remain as guilt for moving on.  Sometimes i cry out loud, "I don't want to move on without my Denise!!"  and  "There is no point in moving on!!"  I miss her so much after 2 and a half years i think i will never stop feeling guilty for moving on and i will be crying for the rest of my life.

Michael, am so sorry for your loss, its so apparent that you loved Denise so much, all of us would give anything to attain that kind of love in this life. I know we shall never be the same. My sister just lost her husband who she had been married to for more than 32 years, I can only imagine her heartache. I feel for all of you here and you are always on my mind. God Bless.

She actually just asked me....Whats Wrong?  Are people really this insensitive and selfish or am I just personally surrounded by idiots? 

It's been just a little over 3 months since mom passed from Pancreatic Cancer.  We were champions when it came to performing for the public when some would ocassionally stop by to watch.  Privately it was literal hell.   From the moment my mother expelled her last breath I've been treated as if I was suddenly suppose to jump with glee and be excited about life.  I took care of this precious woman my entire life.  Cancer was the final Coupe Detat against a life filled full of physical challenges.  The enormity of this loss has been a daily shock for me but again through that life of daily struggles I learned quickly how to put on a good face for the public.

When I'm alone in my own home I release the pain.   Some days it's very intense.  I have no family left. They are all gone and the close relationship we shared was equal to one person using the same breath.  I was her arms and legs my entire life.  People don't get that because it's a very unique life.  They only understand what they've lived.  I've seen and done things that grown adults couldn't handle if it were just suddenly thrust on them.  It requires handing over your own life to someone else and never looking back and going withtout.  If you are born into it, it's all you know.  If it's handed to you later in life I'm not sure many would want to take the journey once the novelty would wear off.  Like I said unless you live it there's no way to understand the journey. 

Unfortunately yesterday someone knocked on the door while I was having a moment to myself.  I'd heard that song by Carole King "now and forever" and basically lost it. It's my right to grieve and my private moment was none of her business.  So I answer the door and this friend looked at me in complete confusion and disgust while I was blowing my nose and wiping my eye's and asked very rudely ... Whats wrong with you?  I looked at her wondering whats wrong with her?  Did she need felt people to put it together?  My God it's only been 3 months.  I haven't even removed the ramp to the front door because my entire life thats all I've known.  One of her wheelchairs is still sitting on the porch.  I'm human for god sakes.  This woman divorced her husband of 20 years and lost it for about a year emotionally.  I envy her emotional rollercoaster over that.  The person I've cared for my entire life ( over 40 years ) just passed away in my arms 3 months ago and she's asking me rudely  WHATS WRONG? and screwing her face up like I've passed gas.  She's not the only one that treats me like this.

Mark three months is just a blink in time.  Your friend must be one of the lucky ones who has never had someone they loved more than their own life die.  One day they are here the next, just gone.  It is not like divorce where even if you are so angry with them you never want to see them again you know they are still out there somewhere breathing, and you still have the chance of seeing them again.  Death steals that.  Divorce might be a mutual decision, death never is. 

You need to give yourself permission to feel what you're feeling and make no excuses for it.  It is the only way you will make it. 

Mark first of all, I want to commend you for all you did for your mom for all those years. I know she was so proud to have a son who cared so deeply for her. I loved my mom so much but I left home almost twenty years ago to go to school and then got a job abroad, all those years I would see mom only about twice a year, for a few months. I feel like I missed out on so much with mom and it hurts so deeply. I was planning to relocate back home and thought I had many years to enjoy her but cancer decided her fate. It hurts so badly Mark. I know the pain you are going through. Don’t apologize to anyone for grieving your mom. I still have to explain to my friends every time I break down. I don’t know why people think we should move on so easily. I myself have endured so many losses in the last few years that it seems am constantly grieving. Just two weeks ago today, we lost my sister’s husband in a tragic car accident. Please accept my deep condolences and support.

God Bless.

Thank you all for those words of support.  I need that.  I've dealt with a lot.  This loss is overwhelming for me and I know way down deep inside I don't deserve to be treated the way some have treated me.  I've even blamed it on me and my fake public face I put on giving the impression I'm all good with every thing.  It's been exhausting playing that game.  Although the conversations people throw out there to avoid my loss is out of my control and so blatant sometimes I want to tell them to knock it off knowing the avoidance is for them and not for me even though they'd swear it was so I wouldn't get too emotional. 

I just wish there was a card the grieving could hand out that reads.." Dear idiot, you have crossed the line.  Do you have fluff for brains or are you incapable of truly understanding what unconditional compassion is?  It's not about you.  Although I'm handing you this card to let you know how stupid your comments are please let me be clear.  If the time comes in your life when you lose someone you love with all your heart and soul I'll be there for you.  In any capacity.  You can cry all you want.  Talk about your loved one all day and night.  I won't change the subject to avoid your pain because I personally don't want to deal with your emotions.  I won't displace my choice to avoid by saying I'm doing it for you.  I won't say stupid things that I know hurt or leave you confused like if there is anything I can do let me know.  I'll just do it knowing you need that support.   and not once will I ever ask.. Whats wrong?  I'll know.

i guess i should be thankful about being alive today, today especially and yesterday i have been depressed for no apparent recent, i think its my medication, i went to the hospital, they didnt really provide assistance, i think im ok enough....any input you all can give would be helpful.....i dont know whether i need to be on a different medication or what to really do

reason*

Really bad day today .I pray every day for God to take me home. I just no longer want to be here.This emptyness and lonelyness is just so bad. My chest even hurts from all the  crying i have done. I sometimes think to myself is their something i could have done to help her.or is their a way i could have made it a little easier for her  God how i miss my wife.

boy do i know how you feel ron, i begged god to take me home too.....

im so sorry Ron

im having to try and survive, i have pain, pain medicine doesnt do a f'ing thing.....days are too long, not sure how to change things.....

Rachel what kind of makes it a little tougher is being catholic   i went to palm sunday mass. It did not help remembering  that next week is going to be my first easter without my wife.Even when in church i ask God to please take me. If not for the fact that i know i would go to hell if i ended my own life i would be long gone. My children say i can;t leave yet because they need ne here. What for i have no idea.They now have their own lives to live and i do not want to hang around here. and be burden on them.I have a father inlaw that is 101  in  home and it did not help with the strain it put on my wife. Now that she is gone it is all resting on her brother and now he is thinking the old man is going to out live him. All he does is bitch and complain everyone stole all his money Thing is he never had that much.I sure do not want to live like that.All the more reason for God to take me now..I used to kid my wife and say the only reason i am still here is because God dosen;t want me and the devel is afraid i will steaL his job. Well i took my usual nightly pills that help me sleep .so time to climb in bed.

Ron,

God will take you when he knows you are ready. How can you expect to go to a perfect place when you still are dealing with so many issues that are unresolved. Your wife is there waiting for you. She knows you are in pain and miserable without her, free her from that so she can be happy where she is. Sue

Ron,

I think I am way ahead of you in where I am...I don't mean to sound calus and I think my below e mail does. I KNOW that we go to another world after this that is enchanting and only beautiful filled with love. In order for you wife to be able to be happy where she is NOW you must convey to her that you can be OK right now. She needs to be free until you meet up with her.

Hi all, In our sharing space, I just need to say today is the 1 year mark of the loss of my husband. I am so numb, want to cry, my stomach hurts, and I am lost. I'm choked up, fighting the tears, and don't want them to start. I'm on my lunch break and just felt the need to come home and see what is here on our page. My Jimmy was only 52, and I am still waiting for him to come home, I'm still on occasion in denial, even though his ashes are here with me. Thank you all for sharing so that I don't feel so abnormal...I am glad this forum is here for us all. Love and special blessings to us all.

Sue. I don"t understand why you say i have to many issues  The only issue i have is this broken heart. I am not angry with anyone, i don"t get upset about how the whole world is doing in these hard times, the price of gas does not even bother me. The only worry i have is where am i going to spend eternity. I want to go where the people that i love and the people that loved me are. My hope is that my sins are forgiven. I know that our Lord Jesus Christ died on the cross for all of our sins. I am trying to be the kind of a person my wife would want me to be. That does not stop me from wanting to go to her now.

One thing you said that made me stop and think is when you said " Don"t you think it would make my Jean sad if she sees that i am sad?" I do thank you for that insight..............Ron

My Mom passed away 12/29/11 2 days before her birthday, she had lung cancer and never told my family, we noticed her sleeping a lot and not eating or drinking anything.  I finally called an ambulance and rushed her to the emergency room.  She told the doctors she was in pain, but never mentioned the cancer.  Mom had a cat scan and found she had 13 malignant tumors, some as big as a softball. She was terminal and didn't have long to live.  We took her home and called Hospice for pain management and every day i watched her get worse, she lasted 2 weeks, the end of her life was very hard, her eyes didnt close or blink, her mouth was wide open and the death rattle was so loud like she had water in her lungs, her heart rate was in the two hundreds, her death was terrible, i cant get the picture out of my head, besides missing her, her dying in my presents makes things even harder.  I know we are told that they are no longer in pain and in a better place, but that doesn't really comfort me.  I hug her ashes every night and morning, i wear a locket around my neck that contains ashes, I will not put a shirt on if it isn't black.  The crying has stopped, but the sorrow remains, all I want to do is stay in bed, sleep a lot and have no drive to get through my daily activities.  I don't know what to do.  How long will this last?  I just need to make heads or tails of this.

hey tim...so sorry for the loss of your mom...i can relate as my husband also died of lung cancer , tho he hadnt smoked for some 35 yrs-and was healthy as horse , went to the doctor regular every 3mos and even had a special cancer screening done once a year-he was diagnosed a week after his birthday on oct 18-and died dec 26-and watched him deteriorate quickly-stopped eating or fluids- and had the death rattle 12hrs prior to his death-the speed of how fast it all happened makes my head spin, still hard to believe sometimes-im sure hes in a much better place but miss him terribly-last two days was a total wreck , rollercoaster of emotions crying anger quilt-over and over-i keep saying tomorrow will be better-so am trying to believe that-get all the support you can-i attend grief group at hospice, its good-prayers to you all for some comfort and peaceful night-hugs joni

Ron,

We all have issues we are dealing with. Your grief and your saddness and your loss are issues aren't they? I am dealing with issues after mother passed. She was all I had. My mother worried so much about me. She was unable to be happy where she now is until I could show her I will be OK. It doesns't mean I am not grieving and sad and lonely. I am still dealing with it everyday. When I was able to assure her that I can survive here and tell her Mom go ahead on your journey and I will one day catch up with you....she was free of worrying about me. I felt her relief and I felt her transition into that peaceful place. I still cry for her and I miss her so much. Sue

Dear Tim,

My deepest Condolences.

To Everyone,

there is a web page called Tributes.com where we can create a tribute to our loved ones.  I created an online tribute to my Denise.