I have no easy answers, just hope I can help some.  I'm going through still another rough cancer scare...a friend of 20 yrs is dying of pancreatic cancer....

I lost my husband to cancer in 2005, and later got engaged (I never wanted to be married again---the pain), but you never know.....and then he died of cancer just before we were married in 2009..  So i guess I am twice widowed.  Now my dear friend is dying.....it seems to never end. 

My point is, time does help ease the emptiness a little...not a huge amount...but enough so you can get through the days again.  I still cry a lot.  I miss my husband the most because we were together for over 10 yrs.  My fiance a year.  I feel alone and hurt deep in my chest, and sometimes feel like lying down and just dying too, but I don't.  Kids will keep you going. 

There are no easy ways to move forward.  That's the truth. 

I tried to imagine if he lost me, wouldn't I want him to move forward and live as well as possible?  remember, all our lives are short.  I'm only 45, but knowing at least half is gone, but also half is still ahead of me, well, you have to move forward. 

Still, I can't imagine letting a man get near me again.  The loss is too hard, and I know that loss twice already. 

Just do the best you can.....do it for your kids, if not yourself....and someday you will be better.....not well, but better.

God Bless us all---

and know you are not alone.....xoxoxoxo

On September 19th, 2011 my fiancee passed away from pancreatic cancer at the tender age of 34 years old.  When we met each other it was love right away.  We were both working professionals with busy lives and had always endured bad luck in love.  Neither of us were interested in dating anyone until that day I walked into Starbucks to order a coffee that I never crave.  For some reason that day I wanted a coffee and 3 hours later I walked out and called my mother to let her know that I just met my future wife.  I learned later that she emailed her sister when she got in her car to tell her the exact same thing, that she had just met her future husband.  We took off on a whirlwind romance, falling head over heals in love.  I had never known love like that nor did I ever dream of such a thing knowing that life could never live up to such extreme expectations.  But it did, and she was the most amazing woman I've ever known.  She was an obviously beautiful woman, but the difference between her and other beautiful women I have known was her beauty inside.  She always made it a point to befriend anyone who wanted/needed a friend.  It didn't matter who you were as long as you were nice she would share a laugh with you.  Her beauty could only be surpassed by her intellect.  She was an impressively intelligent woman who had taken the world by storm.  She was very successful in so many aspects of life.  She had more talents than I could possibly speak of but most of all she knew how to love unconditionally.  She brought joy into my life every day and has forever changed who I am. I've never known love like I knew with her, I never knew strength until I watched her fight this horrible disease, and I never knew who I was until I saw myself through her eyes. She brought out the best in me, and made me believe in myself, made me believe in her, but most of all made me believe in love. I will always cherish every moment that we shared together, and always wish there had been more time.   
 
Losing Emily was hard enough, but anything that could go wrong afterwards did.  All of Emily's possessions that she had with her in the hospital were in a family members vehicle (including our wedding rings, her wedding gifts to me, and even her ashes that had just been picked up).  While his vehicle was parked someone broke in and stole everything.  In this very sad moment someone ripped away so much from myself and her family.  Not only did they take things that we could have to remember her by, but they took her ashes.  That was our way to say goodbye to her.  Her request was that if she passed away before our wedding day for me to go out to the ocean on that day and spread her ashes.  I feel so lost, and not having the ability to say goodbye makes it even worse.   
 
I waited my entire life for her and now she is gone.  I feel so lost, numb, and angry.  Everyone in my life.... friends, family, and her family, keep telling me the same thing..... That God brought me into her life so that she would know true love before leaving.  She told me the same thing, and that she would have never made it as long as she did without me by her side.  They all say that God wanted me there to take care of her and that they couldn't imagine a better person to be there for her.  I take pride in the fact that she loved me, and I feel so incredibly blessed to have had her for the time that I did.  Also, knowing what I know now, would I still walk into Starbucks that day???? A million times over I would!!  I was able to be there for her and help her in a great many ways, but it's the current situation I find myself in that has me paralyzed.  How do we go on?  How do we pick up the pieces and start putting this puzzle back together again?  The puzzle can never be complete as she was the most important piece of the puzzle.   
 
I guess we all come here hoping to find the answer to one simple question.... Why?  I know there is no answer to that question, but like many of you.... I just hope to find a way to cope. 

I am 41 years old. Last year, my son went away to college, my daughter got her driver's license, and in October, my husband died of pancreatic cancer. He survived nearly two years after his diagnosis and we were able to care for him at home with the help of hospice, until the very end. He passed peacefully in the night and I have few regrets. 

But, now that he is gone, I feel like I have no purpose. I am lonely and unfulfilled. Empty.

Somehow, I kept my job through the whole ordeal and I thought I would be able to focus on my career to help me heal, but I don't even like going to work any more. At home, I can't get motivated to tidy up the house or do laundry or cook.

My kids are sad and doing poorly in school, but how can I hold them standards that I myself can not meet? We are all in counseling, but it doesn't seem to be getting any better. Maybe worse.

We muddled through the holidays without him and our 20th wedding anniversary would have been on December 20th. I don't know how I managed to get through that day.

I've been told that healing takes time, and it has only been three months. I know that I suffer less than he did, and I feel like a petty child for wallowing in self-pity.

I'm 47 and lost my husband in 2009...and I still don't know how to be a widow. We had no children because he had a life threatening genetic blood disease he could pass down. We thought of adopting, but he contracted a second blood disease and eventually cancer (Leukemia) and died after a failed stem cell transplant. I'm trying to move on with what he wanted me to do...a career as a music therapist. I am in my internship now, and hope to have a job as a music therapist in hospice when I am done. He was an awesome man, my best friend. I'm lost without him.

I am 27 and am now a widow... we were engaged and had decided to get married next summer this past June 24th... On June 25th my fiance went to work and never got to come home. He was killed underground in the mine he worked at. He left behind myself and our now 6month old daughter.. I recently found out that the company knew the machine was faulty and let them work with it anyways... All I can think about is that he could still be here had the necessary safety precautions been taken by the company.  Today we buried his ashes and it was not an easy day...

Hi to you all. I am a 38 year old widow and I have no idea how to do this. I was with my husband for over 17 years. I lost him to a horrible accident on Memorial Day - 6 days after we celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary. I am all of a sudden a single mom of a 16 year old son. I have never felt more alone. From the time I left my mom's house at 18 - I have been with someone. My husband was my best friend, my whole world and now I find myself so alone and confused and mad! I am so overwhelmed at being a single mom and a widow. I miss my husband so much - more and more every single day.

I found my soulmate, Anthon Hitson, dead in his car on 11/20/2012. No one knows why, not even the M.E. Living without him is unbearable. I miss him so much. He has been my best friend since 10/22/2004 and my world, my everything, my soulmate since 4/4/2007. We were not legally married but under the eyes of GOD, we were 2 souls united as one. I try to be strong for everyone but I can only hold it back so long. I honestly can't believe I am 29 and my life is done. I don't feel like I could ever love again or be with anyone else. One of my male friends gave me a hug and I felt violated. It was just an innocent hug. I just want to be in his arms again. No where else.

My husband passed away Aug 29th of a sudden hypertension heart attack I am 28 and we have a 3 year old son. I never thought I would be raising our boy alone. It took me this long to start the grieving process. Not only did I lose my best friend but we also had to move out of our house and get homes for our dogs. Our son keeps asking me when his Papa will be home or if we can go see him. I am having a hard time trying to explain to him that his Papa isn't coming home. My husband was home a month before before he passed away he was working out of state for 3 months and it didn't work out so he came home. I think my son thinks that him gone is something like that. Does anyone have advice on helping me to help him understand?

I was widowed when I was 20, my boyfriend of nine years passed away last year when I was 29 and my boyfriend of 9 months just passed away at the end of June.  I feel like I'm never going to have a normal life.  Those 9 months with the last boyfriend were the best of my entire life and it seems cruel that we only got such a short amount of time together.  Sometimes I wish we'd never met so that I wouldn't know how happy I could be.  I don't want to do all of this all over again.  Grieving is miserable and it seems like every time I'm able to move on it happens again.

I lost my Best friend, my Partner to Cancer nearly 9 months ago. 

We were together for only 15 months, I knew him since i was 12, he was 17. 

Knowing he had Cancer and still wanting to be with him isn't normal to most people but when you've had a crush on someone for most of your life and you finally get a chance to be with them, you'l take it. And i did and i am happy i did. He made me happy and I made him happy. 

I may have been 21 and he 24 but age doesn't mean anything when it comes to death. 

I am now 26. I lost my Husband 16 months We have a 2 year old together. It was sudden and quick

I'm 40 and just lost my husband 2 weeks ago. Not even sure where to begin. He was healthy and now he's gone. Suffered a massive stroke that took his life and now I'm alone and a widow at 40. How do I even begin to live life without him. I wasn't prepared to be without him.

What do I say? Im 32 and I had 8 amazing years with him. Mike died at the age of 35 from a heart attack. I dont even know where to begin in the emotions that I am running through on a daily basis. I am sure you all have gone through them and will continue to do so. Dont know what to do anymore. 

It has been 2 months and 1 day since my husband was killed. The first month I was in a constant state of shock and disbelief. In December the reality of it all started to creep in. Christmas was very difficult. Memories of Brennan that have been surfacing over the past few weeks has left me in an agonized state of despair. I waited most of my life to meet the person I was meant to be with and at the age of 32 I finally met that person. We only had 2 years together and I feel robbed of my entire future, lost, and completely unprepared to cope with any of this. I do have an amazing support network but I feel very alone in this. I know that none of my friends or family cannot understand the pain I'm in. Before this nightmare I myself would never have imagined how debilitating the loss of a spouse is.

I lost my partner ten days before their 32 birthday. I am not sure how to be alone and a single mom. I miss late night conversations and cuddling together as a family. I feel like I have lost a huge part of who I am.

How long will this feeling of despair last? it has been 3 years and i just feel lost and that nothing will get better. I am so lonely and sad and am crying all the time these past 2 weeks. 

I am approaching the year mark, not only is it hard to believe it has gone so quickly but now waking up and coming out of the fog makes it that much harder! The first 6-10 months were just a haze. Now it seems that much more real. I try to think about our special moments together but i find it like trying to remember something that happened when i was a child,you know things happened but they are no longer clear. Not sure what that is about but it stinks. 

Hello everyone, my name is Theresa and it has been six months since my Mitch passed. And I guess I am not handeling this very well at least that is what I am being told. I have even had people saying that I should get back out there. I just do not get this.

Hello. My name is Courtney. I became a widow six months ago, I was 29 and my husband only 34. I am at loss without him, I feel like this world has nothing left to offer me. We only had 10 years together and everything I do reminds me of him. I came to this site to connect with people that are going through what I am. Everyone that does not understand loves to give me advice, but they have no clue what this feels like. I literally do not feel like a person anymore. I don't know how to do this. I lost everything they day he passed, I feel the deepest sorrow for him. I can not believe I will never talk, touch or see him in this life. I sometimes like to pretend that he will be back, just so I can get through the day. But the clock never stops and he never walks through the door. I guess, I just want to know how do I do this, how do I live a lifetime without my love. I am young, and I do not know how I got through six months, I can not even begin to fathom six years. No one understands, my friends have their husbands and children, and I mourn alone.

Hi, I am new to the group and wanted to introduce myself.  Like you Courtney, I cannot believe I am a widow.  I lost my husband this month and it feels like I will never recover and be able to move forward.  I have a 3 year old and if it weren't for her, I think I would actually ball up in a corner and just die.  The pain is so deep and constant, it is hard to imagine this feeling could last for years and  years. 

@ Theresa, don't let anyone take away your grief.  You have a right to feel what you feel and that is normal. 

http://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/profiles/blogs/the-grief-journey-...

Hi my name is Leesa I'm 46 and this lost my soul mate my best friend the father of my children my lover we were suppose to grow old together we spent our youth together we met when I was 12 and he 13 on the school bus we had raised our children we and set everything up so he could retire early and we go see the world together that we had planned but in six weeks after we had first gone to he doctor he was gone and I was left alone God I miss,him 

This is Leesa accidentally spend my comment before I was done we would have celebrated our 28th anniversary Dec 27th but we didn't get to because he passed away in our living room on Dec 6 2014 I'm so angry with God right now I believe that there is someone that God made for this you and a lot of people never met theirs bc they are in to big of a hurry to find their soul mate but I did when I was young I mean like 12 and he was 13 we had a very good marriage hardly fought love to spend time together everybody knew we came together when we were out n bout n if we didn't that was the first thing our friends ask was were was our other half we were suppose to grow old together but instead I get to spend it alone I want him back I need him so I can be whole bc half of me went with him

hi there I am new to the group I recently lost my husband of almost 6 years, he was 43 years old.  I am 38 and this is the hardest thing I have ever gone through.  I currently take things one day at a time

Hi Sarah, I am so sorry for your loss. You have found great support here. My name is Betsy, and I lost my husband October 31, 2009. He was 43, I was 45. Taking things one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time even, is all we can do. You are definitely not alone.

I lost my estranged husband Dec. 8th, 2014 and it is still hard for me. We were separated and I never got the answers to some questions that I had. I loved my husband unconditionally and tried to make my marriage work.  He died of a heart attack in another state. He had heart problems from years of unhealthy living and wasn't a candidate for heart transplant. People think that I shouldn't grieve because we weren't together, but we have a 21 year old son together and we were married for 9.5 years. I met him when I was 21 years old. I never thought I would be a widow at 44, I always thought widows were in their 60's.

I have been silently on here for over 2 years now. I lost my husband 8/29/2012 suddenly from a heart attack while he was at work. For the new members I am extremely sorry for your losses. We have a son together he is now 4 1/2 years old and my husband lives on through him. I see him everyday. As our son gets older more questions, more anger seem to arise about not having a father. It has been a struggle that comes back around. It reminds me constantly how much we miss and love him, how hard it has been to keep moving forward without him. I would have never imagined we would have made it this far 2 years ago. We still have pictures all over, we still go through photo albums often, we have talks, we share stories and we have my husbands best friends around. There is always that missing piece of the puzzle that won't ever be found and at one point I have come to accept his death and stop questioning why. There is no time limit to grieve.

16 years (2 were dating) with the man that God had made for me (he was the second person I only went out with and that relationshio lastingo onlu a little less ruaj2 months). I our first 2 motnhs we went through so many very very difficult tasks that there were no doubts left. Now hw is gone (4 month mark just went by), I am so lost but I habe to keep it togetjer for my 9 year old son. His heart was so special that I know he woke tpeveru morning aksing what he cioul =do do to naje ne happy. I miss him I just donlt know how to go oh=

hi my name is anne and im new to this group.. thank god i found a community who shares the same pain.. i recently lost my husband of 17 years .. im 42 years ols, he was 42 too. he had a heart attack while we were driving home from our weekend getaway for our anniversary. until now i still cry and long for him .. i am soo scared to face life alone i dont know where to start picking up the pieces. i hope o can talk to peoplw who share the pain im going thru.. god bless us all.

Hello Annie, * please bear with my ttypeng as my laptop is having someisuues and I really do need to get another one, but as of right nowI don't have the free noney to cover it.

Welcome. I have myslef, just werecently joined this group as my Husband o almost 15 years passed unexpetctedly. I found his body lifeless on the bed and I am still hoping (thgouh I know better) I can erase that memory and never see that image in my head again. They say that with time the memory will lessen and be replace by n=more good memories of things were shared together. I cling to the hioe that they are right I just wish they had said at some  point I will forget it.

Any way. I am very hppy here and very comofortable. I have a rew membera that I talk yo regularT. Feel free to contact me anytime with any diiculties you may be pxeriencing at that r=time, Until then, keep in mu=ind, if you are a christian adnd your husnband was too, then he did make ir home on that drive. Bit. thanlnkully, he went to a perfect him with street o gold. Any medical problems he had in his earthly body, they are now gone and will never be back in i=his Heavenly body. The hardest thing is for those of us who are now left alone. We have to deal with the loss, and learn to move on. That is a long process (at least for those who truly loved their mate jk lol) we just have to take it one day at a time and do only what we can do. For eaxample ( married hy huabnand just beore started my final semester in collegege) eveyone thouth we were craxy beciae we were so young we didn't know a thing and would be luckly is we even made it to year 3 before divorcing). Now, here we are almost years later (2 for daeing 14.5 after that). Of course we went through typicall marital arguments, but we reolved the situation and moved on to hapiness. If he hadn't just passed I have no question that we would be together forever. Just go one step st time andonly d things as you feel like you can do them. It ws week before last we were able to watch him start walking again and get a job. Backround: he was in a wheekchair for 3 yers and not working (of couse putting a strain on us but we werked through it.) Then the doctor sent him to s specialist because some advances had been mae to certia types of surgey and to have a pain pump put into him directly to allow liquid morphie to enter his system each time he pushed a button. That doctor did a few tests and looked at his newest e-rays (which were done in March. After coining to my work (he did often- usually with rosses for my desk and other tokens such as suffec animal etc.)    well, nayway, that doscotr tried a new trestnebt abd that akkiwed him to finally (7 years) to be able to walk, without the use of assistnance like a cance and he wa able to go back to work  He took me to doc. finally (I say finally beause there was an issue with my insurance so he gave then a talking to becuaseen we have good coverage, My MRI showed that the lgament in my left foot that kept it from moving to far in any direction was torn so bacj that it's not even there anymore. They told me that there is 0 trace of it.

Back to my hisband, at that time our soe was 7 years old he had a transformers caje with sine keepsakes on top of it. He made sure I was okay. Anyway, we never said anything but the two of us didn't have to to communicate with the other, and discovered the injury would take 8-12 months rehab and then if that doesn't help then we would help by simply going a couple of weks then start doing it myel at home because it was $60 each visi! that was way too much. So I am doing excercises on my on 3 imeos a week and am hurting efterward.ses from treatment. So with my huisband his injury was very close to the spine (so close they did;t wasnt to touch it before) but i you ever need someone to talk to or just to listen to you having a bad day and gettting it off your chest I'm here. 

hi, i lost my fiancee and step dad to my kids on the 18th of may, from a massive heart attack he was only 49 yrs. i am now a 39 yr old widow. feeling very lost without him

My husband passed June 18th of this year. We were together 17 years and have four young children. Each day is just another day without him and I hate it .I just want him back , I just want the trivia challenges we had, his guitar and singing that would go into the night. Sneaking in movies just for the fun of it. I just miss him, everything about him .I hate to admit this but I really dislike being around couples . Couples around my age or older couples because they have something I never will. Most likely my friends will grow old together. They will look back on memories together. All me and my children will have is memories and for my youngest who is 1 year , he won't even have that.

• Im widowed at 31 we were only married for 6 months before he was murdered....so lost

It's been longer for me than some of you.  I married at 18 (was with him from when I was 14) and was widowed at 27 (and he was a murder victim so it was unexpected to say the least....).  It'll be seven years on New Year's Eve.  That said, it some days it seems okay without him and then five minutes later it seems like it hurts more now than when he first died; if that makes any sense at all. 

Before his death and the series of shit relationships I got myself into, I was an expert mountain climber; to the extent that the only major summit out of the seven I haven't finished is Mt. Everest--that one I broke my spine on about 3000 feet away and I am lucky I survived.  I don't like talking about it much--but my climbing partner went blind from his eyes freezing and the ropes didn't get set up right and we were both hallucinating all sorts of crazy stuff I'll never speak of at that point from the extreme alititude. 

Well long story short, last night I moved wrong in my sleep and it triggered reliving that whole thing.  It is days like these that I want my husband, even all these years later I want the one person who understood my need to do insane adventures like that.  The man that even when I hadn't healed enough to walk just brushed my hair while I ranted about how Mt. Everest doesn't own me, I will do it again and then I am going to do K2.  Now all that's left are people who think I was insane that I ever made the attempt; let alone that I eventually want to do it again.  Then there's all the happy relationships I see...some people can move on easier than I can.  Me, I haven't found anyone even all these years later that I even want to know my favorite movie let alone exactly how bad I want back up there.  Anyway, thanks for listening and sorry to everyone else for their loss.   

Hello.  It's been one year and five days for me since my husband of 13 years passed away.  I was 41 when he died and he was 55.  It was unexpected, like many of you...an abdominal aortic aneurism.  He called me to him in the bedroom and 45 minutes later, he was gone.  I'm so grateful we had the 13 years, but at the same time I'm like...it was supposed to be more!!  He was my everything and even after a year, I'm just going through the motions.  I had to get new furniture and rearrange the bedroom and living room because the memories were just too strong of those 45 minutes.  It helped.  But the memories still haunt me.  Even with my daughters (22 years and 19 years) living in the house, I feel more alone that I ever have.  Mostly, I just sit and do nothing but stare at the walls.  I'm disabled, so I don't really have much of anything to distract me the majority of the time.  He was my everything and I...miss...him!!!

Angie

I'm so sorry.  The sympathy cards I got, I just put them away.  My sister-in-law went through them to make sure there was no money or anything, which some people did give me.  But I couldn't read them for months.  Actually, I don't even know if I did force myself to read them, to be honest.  I stored them in a box and I'm not even sure where the box is.  Just know you're not alone here.  Hugz!

I lost my husband 1 month ago today the shock is lifting but the sadness is overwhelming. At 48 it is hard to believe I won't  hear him calling me Honey, rubbing my hair until I fall asleep, bring me home a bottle of wine just because ther are so many things that were just so simple that meant so much. My heart is forever broken.

My husband, my Superman, has been gone 2 mos now.  Never thought he'd be gone at the age of 46 and leave behind myself, 48, to raise our 12 yr old daughter alone.  It's nice having our 19 yr old son back at home.  He's a great help.  Yesterday was the first time I've been physically ill.  The kids did a great job of taking care of me, but it just hurt because this was the first time he wasn't there to make it better.