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Comment by Tildyc on March 30, 2015 at 2:12pm

I hear you George. People act differently around me anymore. I used to be outgoing and have fun and have friends. Now I feel like when I walk in a room, everybody takes a mental step back. Everyone is very kind but also I feel like they are waiting for me to "snap out of it" and go back to being who I was. And the fact of the matter is – I am forever changed. And I will never ever be that person I was before. And it really is messed up that- I will never be that well adjusted, normal me I was- when Mark was still alive. There is just no possible way. And I can't do anything about that.

I think eventually folks will finally just give up on it. I hope.

Comment by George H on March 30, 2015 at 2:12pm

I can agree with you john I'm having quite a bit of problem with the anger myself it really gets hard to contain sometimes like you I'm trying not to offend anyone but I don't have that much of a support system anyway I'm basically alone I can't seem to figure out how to cope with this I think I'm doing okay then I get mail from Mary but then again this whole house is Mary they say day today and I start to wonder about that too I don't feel it's getting any easier it just seems to be getting darker and darker I just don't know what to think of that

Comment by Tildyc on March 30, 2015 at 1:51pm

Hi Sandy – I'm sorry that your loss has brought you to this point but – For what it's worth, on here you'll see you're not the only person going through this hell. I still am very much alone but – sometimes this site helps distract me from my pain for a short amount of time and provides a place for me to vent where other people will understand how I am feeling.

Comment by George H on March 30, 2015 at 1:43pm

Tildyc I feel the same way I can hardly do anything I get tired of people saying you have to snap out of it I just want to yell come and live in my world for a while

Comment by Tildyc on March 30, 2015 at 1:36pm

John T- How horribly insensitive of your family and how unbelievable it must've been for you when you realized they were trying to "set you up?!" Of course – they are only trying to help but, it just solidifies my belief that we are no longer part of that world. The normal healthy happy people world. And from where I'm at right now, I personally can't imagine myself ever fully functioning in that world again. Outside of work – I stay in seclusion and avoid people as much as possible. The thought of being with anybody else is so foreign and so unfathomable to me- I'm unable to form even a thought about something like that. I just can't.

Comment by Sandy Elaine Norris on March 30, 2015 at 9:12am

I'm new on here. My wonderful husband of 13 years passed away on Janurary 8, 2015. I don't know if there are words that express how I feel. Lost, scared, lonely, angry! Those really don't do this pain justice. He had been sick for a long time but that doesn't make this any easier. I'm glad that he is no longer suffering but I miss him so much. Ours was a very special kind of love. We knew the moment that we met that we were ment to be together.

Comment by George H on March 29, 2015 at 11:32pm

M Morgan I can totally understand how you feel my wife passed February 24th I had no friends outside the house cuz I was her caregiver 24 7 there's not a day that goes by when I wonder how long before it's my turn like you I don't think it would be by my own hand but I don't think that it would matter how quick it comes the loneliness an and emptiness is getting really hard to handle

Comment by morgan on March 29, 2015 at 11:13pm

I will never be with anyone else and I am doing what I can to diminish my health.  Two years, two months later and my breakdowns are coming back in spades.  They had receded to only one a day but now just about anything will trigger them.   I am looking at what it is going to take to get up every day and live my life without the one person who made it worth living.  I knew it before but now after distracting myself with work I realize the shock was what kept me from seeing what I face.  The crying is more than despair now.  It is a volatile response to my life.  Before it was more focused as a response to his death.  Now it's like the big guns have come out.

I have not wanted to be here on earth since the day my husband died but now I am more determined than ever to grieve so hard that physically I die of my broken heart.  I won't do it by my own hand in a harmful way ( i don't think) but I am going to do everything possible to hasten the inevitable.  If todays breakdowns are an example of how grief is taking its toll my physical self is bound to follow.  

As I said to the policeman who came to check on me in the store parking lot where I was crying so hard they had to help me out to my car and then must have called the police: I said"No one understands the utter loneliness of what death delivers",  particularly when you had a very deep passionate relationship.  Some people recover but there are those of us who will never see any happiness ever again. They were worried I might not be able to drive or I was going to harm myself.  I almost had to laugh since they have no idea how often I go through this.  They see it once and think I am about to go over the edge.  If they only knew…….. 

Comment by Tildyc on March 29, 2015 at 5:41pm

Having yet another terrible day. I've been thinking about the future and how completely empty it looks to me. Now that Mark won't be in it at all. Ever. I really don't look forward to anything at all. Except for the day that I get to go to him and see him again.

Comment by George H on March 27, 2015 at 8:46am

I want to thank everyone who commented on my post I would like to write you all individually but I have severe vision problems so I talk into this phone and I hope it prints out what I say once again thank you all I appreciate the support cuz im pretty much by myself here 24 7 never felt this type of loneliness

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