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Comment by Sandy Elaine Norris on April 5, 2015 at 9:52pm

I'm strong enough to get through this pain and make it to the other side( whatever that means...lol). I'm still trying to decide if I want to or not. I feel like there is a hole in my chest where my heart used to be. Is it worth living through ever more grief and pain to get to the other side?

Comment by Jason on April 5, 2015 at 9:40pm

I agree with you morgan, this isn't an illness or something that can be treated or healed. Grief is something much worse than people give it credit for. Grief is, as you said, a life changing event. From the moment it happens you are no longer the person you were before. The means of working through grief is by rediscovering who you are and who you have to be now that your most precious has been taken from you.
The fact is some of us will be able to work through our grief and make it out of the other side...and some of us wont. But that is a decision each of us will have to make, in our own time...

Comment by morgan on April 5, 2015 at 9:34pm

George- you're right about saying call me if you need anything. Not only would they decline what I need but where in heavens name do they think I am going to find the energy to call when I don't even have the energy to figure out what I need. wow.

Comment by morgan on April 5, 2015 at 9:33pm

JohnT- I think you have realized that you have nothing left to lose which  is why you no longer find the need to gloss over what is real.  At least that is what has happened to me.  

Comment by morgan on April 5, 2015 at 9:27pm

Somehow hearing the rest of you say that no one can know what this is like unless it happens to them validates the way I feel.  When my husband first died and i hadn't looked for this kind of support I believed I was crazy.  Now more than ever I know that the textbooks need to change.  Grief is not depression.  Grief is grief.  It a term used for and reserved for the only thing that resembles atomic fission.

Our lives have been destroyed and there is a only a small chance we will ever rebuild.  It isn’t a mental illness like depression is.  It is not mental it is reality.  It is an in-your-face event that forces you to look outside your mental capacity to a place no one has ever visited.  Death.  No one has come back to give us any picture of what it is we can do to change it, understand it, live with it.  I think a mental illness like depression is treatable.  I don’t think grief is something to be treated.  It a life altering experience not a disease of the brain.  There is no treatment for loving someone more than life itself. 

Comment by Jason on April 5, 2015 at 9:20pm

I'm fine is the best thing for 'everyone else' they don't know what we're going through. Hell we don't know what we're going through either. But at the end of the day it's easier than trying to explain "how we ere doing?" To people

Comment by Jason on April 5, 2015 at 8:05pm

It’s not the best thing to think about but when people ask “how are you doing?” they don’t really want the truth. The same as when someone asks your advice, they just want you to confirm what they already believe. Which in thing case is “everything is find and you’re doing well.”

 

I too find myself saying “I’m fine,” or “I’m okay,” mainly because it’s easier and we both know “you don’t want to know the truth”

 

It comes down to making ‘them’ feel better. If you tell them you’re ‘fine’ then they feel like they’ve done their part in ‘checking up on you’ whereas if you told them the truth, whatever that may be. They’d most likely feel awkward, uncomfortable and have no clue how to move the conversation forward, let alone be able to help with how you’re feeling.

 

Like many people here have said, losing a spouse, partner, soulmate, etc isn’t something you can understand unless you’ve actually gone through it.

Comment by Donna M Dowling-Hall on April 5, 2015 at 7:49pm

When some one asks how I am doing, I answer truthfully.  "I am feeling like crap."  If you don't want the truth then don't ask. 

Comment by George H on April 5, 2015 at 6:48pm

M Morgan you left one out (if you need anything call me) what would happen if we really called

Comment by morgan on April 5, 2015 at 6:40pm

John T-  It's not you.  One of the reasons I isolate myself now is I cant stand what I call the "chipper" mentality.  The worn out phrases of "Have a good day" like they could care or "How are you today" like they really want to hear the truth.  Stuff like that.  And my own sister whose voice has a certain lilt to it that drives me crazy.  How can anyone be that upbeat about the mess we see before us and be authentic?  I understand the whole glass full, glass empty paradigm but do we really have to keep up such a facade?  Can't we start to be honest and stop glossing over what we face?  Why isn't there more room at the table for those undergoing trauma?  Why cant we talk about the stuff that really matters?  

I just stay as far away from it as I can and I bow out when asked.  I am just not going to put myself in the position of having to feel worse so someone else can feel better.  I'm also not going to put them in a position of having to feel obligated to help me. It is either going to come from someone who does it out of the goodness of their heart or I will be alone.  Other than one good friend that has been there through thick and thin I am alone.  Of course a friend cannot be there all the time either so I come here or cry or try to distract myself another way.  Finding ways to cope with this pain are almost non existent.  I have yet to find any to work to any great extent.  My cat, the computer, the tv and my one friend.  That's it.  Life until I die.

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