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Comment by George H on April 9, 2015 at 4:51pm

Up since 3 am loneliness just to strong today just can't seem to work through it can't seem to find a minuteof peace

Comment by Tildyc on April 9, 2015 at 3:21pm

Yes – sausage gravy. He would make that sometimes on our days off together. Or pancakes/or omelettes or bacon and eggs with hashbrowns. I've tried to go and cook in the kitchen a few times now. But I end up crying so hard that it is impossible to make anything beyond toast, cereal or the microwave. Every time I'm in the kitchen I remember how happy he was when he was preparing food for us and others. It's just too painful to have to accept the fact that I'll never have that again. I won't have anything of him ever again. There is no joy in my life. No more happiness. Everything that was important to me before either doesn't matter anymore or has been very diminished.

Comment by morgan on April 9, 2015 at 2:52pm

Sandy,  Sausage gravy sounds good.  I just tried to make sweet potato pancakes and it was a complete fail.  Part of the major reason my husband cooked for 35 years. :(  I'll eat them because I am hungry but I wish he was still here to feed his birdie.

Comment by Jon-Paul Ackerman on April 9, 2015 at 2:01pm

As my wife's 28th birthday approaches, I realize that the bond of marriage is misconstrued in society. It's not "til death due us part" because death does not part us. If I could trust anyone to care for our children properly, I would go to her. As our baby boy would've been 3 months old today, I can only imagine her caring for him now, telling him about his daddy and siblings. I hope now that "time" is short, as Scripture comes alive in Revelation 9:6, "In those days men will seek death and will not find it; they will desire to die, and death will flee from them."

Comment by morgan on April 9, 2015 at 1:59pm

JohnT- guilt eats at all of us for different reasons.  Your wife loved you for who you were.  Don't minimize your love for her because you think you didn't do the right things.  There's no manual that says you didn't love her the right way.    She was in love with you.  If she wasn't you wouldn't be having these pains of your love.   I know it is hard as hell to do because I have to do it everyday myself but I try to go to the places that were the best of my marriage.  And there were so many more of those than there were of the rougher times.  And without the times of trying to figure it all out we wouldn't have felt those times of such love, would we?  Its the proverbial existential conundrum.  Feeling it now in spades doesn't always help but you know she felt your love.  She still is, that's why the pain is so powerful.  She still feels it. She's sitting right next to you letting you know you loved her completely but you cant see her. That's the pain letting you know, she's right there.

Comment by Sandy Elaine Norris on April 9, 2015 at 1:41pm

I can understand that John. It's hard for me too. For me, it is my way of honoring Mark. My husband made the best sausage gravy. Yesterday was very hard. To honor Mark, I made sausage gravy just like he taught me and enjoyed it with my family.

Comment by Sandy Elaine Norris on April 9, 2015 at 12:22pm

I'm so sorry Karen. I can't imagine your pain. We are all hurting but yours is different. Just try everyday to think of him and smile. 

Comment by Karen T. on April 9, 2015 at 8:23am

Today marks 6 months since I got home from work and walked in to find my husband and love of my life for 15 years lifeless and cold in our bed. That day my life came to a screaching halt with the only thing keeping me somewhat going is my son. But life in general still sucks without him. I am still so lost and don't know what to do except tread through one day at a time pretty much blank. I try and do extra for my son so he doesn't get to feeling this way as I protected him from seeing his father dead. I hate that image and know it will be with me forever which makes it all the more worse. I hate facing the world today but I had no choice had to come in to work feeling miserable. I wish someone could take this pain away but I know that's not possible- it will be with me always. :(

Comment by George H on April 9, 2015 at 5:31am

been up since 3:30 a.m. don't know why I try to sleep anymore I still sleep in my recliner next to Mary's hospital bed don't know if I'll ever get back in my room as you all know nothing is the same anymore just bang around the house not wanting to do anything the loneliness is so overwhelming

Comment by Trina Mamoon on April 9, 2015 at 3:17am

m morgan,

Hang in there! My heart goes out to you. I know what you mean by there being no God. I am a believer (I am from another faith), but I cannot understand why God who is supposed to be compassionate and merciful and who is omnipotent puts His creation through this kind of mental anguish. If a human being inflicted this kind of pain on another, the public court of opinion would have held that person guilty of mental cruelty and sadism. 

Many religious people--from different faiths--told me that it's not God who makes us suffer, that God has a plan and that's why we are feeling this pain. I wanted to laugh at their faces, but fearing more sermons I didn't protest too much. Why does God's plan include this inhuman suffering? And why God who is all-powerful not able to stop the pain? We won't get answers to any of this, we'll have to just live through this inhuman torture and wait for our liberation.

Tildyc, this site is the only place where I find some measure of peace sharing with others my pain and hearing others' stories of pain and grief. I am thankful for the support and understanding on this forum. We help each other and it's really great.

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