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Comment by Tildyc on April 24, 2015 at 1:40pm

It's a beautiful spring day here in SE Alaska. It's warm and all the surrounding mountains are so beautiful and I can smell the alders coming alive- The eagles are flying and fishing and looking so majestic. We have the annoying deer running around the neighborhood driving my dogs crazy. My rhubarb is coming up. My boss called and said that he is giving me a raise today and it is my day off.

In the past, before I lost Mark – a day like this would require much rejoicing. He would look at me and smile and give me a hug and a squeeze and tell me that I deserve that raise because I work so damn hard. He would then suggest that we grab some smoke salmon out of the freezer, grab some bagels and wine from the store and load up the dogs into the truck. Then we would go for a long drive out the road or a skiff ride and find a very nice secluded area where the dogs can run free and chase deer and we could sit together and enjoy this beautiful place where we live and each other. And we would discuss what special dinner he was going to make and who are we going to invite for the celebration.. I know it sounds unreal but-!that's pretty much how it would go on a day like this if my baby was still with me.

But he isn't with me – he died. And what once was- will never be again. I am surrounded by all this amazing beauty and have received what would've been very good news today. But – None of this makes me feel happiness or joy. I'm sitting here crying and wishing he were here to share this with me. It's so mind-boggling that all these things that we looked forward to and worked so hard for and hoped for- mean absolutely nothing now. This is who I have become and this is- i'm afraid- what the rest of my life is going to be like. The one and only thing that would actually bring true happiness to my life is an absolute impossibility. I will never ever again see him walk through our door or make me dinner or hold his hand or see his beautiful eyes and his irresistible smile.

I'm so angry that all these wonderful and beautiful things can happen around me and to me but I could actually give a shit about any of it. What the hell?!? I feel like the walking dead. Nothing-frickin-matters-any-effin-more.... NOTHING! How is this supposed to even resemble living? What a bullshit reality I live in now.

I am trapped in this realm until the day I finally die and can be free to be with him again. Every day, every hour, every minute and every second – closer. There is no escape and- unfortunately that's all I feel I have left for the remainder of my depressing and pointless life. A "Mark- less" life.

I HATE and do not recognize this person that I have become.

Comment by morgan on April 23, 2015 at 9:28pm

JohnT- bingo.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on April 23, 2015 at 8:48pm

Just now, reading a death scene from Russian literature with students in my literature class, I burst into tears and couldn't stop crying. I felt so embarrassed, but couldn't help it. The description was too vivid, and the officer was gasping for breath (Joseph succumbed to his death as he couldn't breathe--he had lung cancer), that's what put me over the edge. The students were very kind and said that the scene was very powerful and moving. I am still wiping my tears now as I write this post. What we have to endure and suffer daily! Life is so worthless with my Joseph. I don't want to go on like this!

Comment by Dianne M. on April 23, 2015 at 8:37pm

I survived today and tonight so far. 2 months behind me. The grief was ever present today but I manged to hold it together for most of the day. The fact that he is gone to me forever just brings me to my knees.

Comment by morgan on April 23, 2015 at 6:48pm

George-  I ended up about a month or so ago going back into a hospital (not even the one my husband was taken to) and hadn't stepped foot in one for the last two years.  I was going to go to a talk some psychiatrist was giving about grief.  I barely got through the first set of double doors and I was holding back the tears.  By the time I got to where I could ask someone a question about where the meeting was I was in a full blown crater.  The poor girls managed to get me to a sofa and then they brought in the social service gals and they listen to me bleed for about 45 minutes all the while remembering what a hospital reminded me of.  I don't think I will ever step foot in one again.  I can't do it to the people who work there.  The last episode was reminder enough I just cant handle some situations.

There is no magic bullet to soothing the wounds we have.  No amount of medicine, bandages, tubes or surgery heals what we've got.  I wish but wishes are dreams.    

Comment by morgan on April 23, 2015 at 6:40pm

Tildyc- I think that trying to reach our spouse is one of the overriding details of this grief journey.  I would do just about anything to feel as though I really could believe he is with me.  Something tangible enough that I could be assured he really truly did send me a sign.  So far there hasn't been anything I could solely attribute to just him to me as a definite event.  

This amount of separation has taken me to a place where I do not want to be.  No matter what I seem to do on a daily basis the shadow of my husband is always overriding the moment.  I can't stop thinking about him and how much it hurts to not have him here with me anymore.  I can divert my attention watching tv or on the computer for awhile but eventually it comes back around to "where is he"?  Why?  How am I supposed to live a decent life without him?  

Our life together was not all peaches and roses and I understood that as life.  It was working through those rough times and the good times that made it so special.  So rewarding.  Now I have no one.  And I do not want anyone else.  I just keep writing and reading and hoping that my body will give out.  I have written my medical directive and my will and my sister who would be my executor knows most of it anyhow.  I don't know for sure how I will feel in two minutes much less two days or two months from now but at the rate this is going I am not sure my pragmatic self is willing to keep hanging out to experience more nothingness.  I would go to a medium too and I don't think it is kooky but I just have a hard time believing they can connect with a spirits energy and from what I have read they are quite good at asking questions or giving answers that are at best generic.  But I also wish you would go and come back and tell us if it really seemed as though Mark was speaking to you.  You sound pretty levelheaded to me and I think you would have a pretty good filter for funny business.  Like you, all I want is to have a connection…...

Comment by morgan on April 23, 2015 at 6:23pm

JohnT- I have had times where I took a cardboard box and just kicked it and kicked it so i can get the anger out of my body.  Recently I have found if i take a wet washcloth and slap it hard over and over on the kitchen countertop I wear myself out and I try not to throw my shoulder out of its socket.  The feelings that keep erupting have now become as much a part of my day as having something to eat.  We loved a person more than ourselves.  We buried more than one person.  Trying to reintegrate the recognizable part of our former selves into this new avatar creates nothing but turmoil.  We are still trying to fit ourselves into an old mold when nothing about it exists.  No wonder we are so pissed.  Sqaure peg, round hole syndrome.

 

Comment by George H on April 23, 2015 at 5:17pm

Had to go to the dialysis clinic today to see Mary nurse that trained us for home pm all those grate people that took care of her it was to much to handle then I felt that I needed to get home cause she needed me I just can't except that she's gone and I'll never see her again

Comment by Donna M Dowling-Hall on April 23, 2015 at 6:46am

Tildyc-  I consider you lucky to have had Mark come to you in your dreams.  I have yet dreamt of Jeremy.  

I have been thinking of going to a medium too.

Comment by Tildyc on April 22, 2015 at 10:53pm

When Mark first left me- I truly believe that he came to me in my dreams. I had very lucid dreams with him in it. They were very comforting. But as time has dragged on I am not remembering my dreams and I don't feel like he's in them that much, if at all. I also do specific meditations where I try to connect to him. And at first it was actually working. Least that's what I believe – folks may think I'm crazy. And I just might be. But I believe in my heart that it was working. As of lately – I haven't been as successful as I have been. It's disturbing and heart wrenching for me.

I always consider myself levelheaded and pretty much a skeptic. And Before I lost Mark- I would've shook my head and thought- that person is whacked- if I heard someone speaking like I just did. But now, I can say that I have opened my mind to different Ideas and concepts. I'm Just trying to reach him. In someway.

I am even considering trying something that would really upset my sweet, loving and God-fearing mother if she were to know. I am looking into the possibility of getting a reading from a medium. And just that statement alone – tells me that I am no longer the person I used to be. And I never will be.

Once again everyone – you can raise your eyebrows at me. Haha. Don't really care anymore. I'm just trying to find him. Somehow- someway.

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