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Comment by morgan on June 17, 2015 at 3:00pm

PART1--the sorrow surrounding the death of my other half is the likes of which no one can really describe in words……It is felt. It is felt so deeply there is no floor or ceiling to the emotion.  

I have after almost 29 months of this, come to understand that just when I think I might be able to function in the old reality the sorrow comes at me and swings its bat at my head and knocks me unconscious…….then I drift into the alternate reality experiencing emotion that I would never have thought possible to feel…...

just now after talking to the friend who has stood by me (he made a promise to my husband he would watch over me) and we were talking about making plans for celebrating his birthday which happens to land on the anniversary date of my marriage but is preceded by my husbands own birthdate (June 25th) I leaped into the alternate reality and started spiraling out of control.  The minute I had to acknowledge that I would be facing his birthday now that he is gone (and our anniversary right after) and we will not be celebrating anything anymore I started the descent.  This time it was more furious and each time it seems to get deeper.  To be honest I think I have the beginnings of throat cancer.

Not only has that always been the weakest link in my body but since my husbands death and all the crying and screaming that takes place in order for me to get my emotions out I can feel a rawness and tightness in my throat now that seems to be growing.  I have also started some coughing that seems to be coming from my chest/esophageal area.  This time I ended up on the cold hard stone floor in my kitchen trying to answer the question ‘why’ knowing full well while I lay there that this is the same type of cold hard floor my husband died on and where I found him.  This is gut wrenching.  I know in my head there is NO good way that a person dies.  Nothing can explain away the why of how it is we die.  Why the heart?  Why cancer? Why suicide?  Why murder?  Why a bomb? Why any of the multitudes of the way we die?  We certainly don't make a choice to have it happen.  So why?  Even suicides I think are preceded by the combat a brain engages in with reality for the person who no longer can bear the pain of living.  So why?  Why does death come and strip the living of their soul?  

Comment by Jeni on June 17, 2015 at 11:33am

I read all these heart wrenching stories and my love goes out to you all.My partner of 2.5 years passed away tragically in Jan this year due to a medical misdiagnosis by a doctor at a hospital who simply refused to listen to and acknowledge the scenario if events that had transpired with a seizure and cardiac arrest early on the morning of Sunday 11 Jan 2015. After carrying out CPR with a trauma nurse who heard my cries for help, my partner survived.Upon admittance the young doctor made her own diagnosis ...refused my partner be admitted and stated that it was a seizure and if it happened again they would look at it more thoroughly.4 hours later my partner died in my arms at home ...I started CPR...the paramedics got a feint heart beat and a week in ICU ...but in essence he died in my arms.
The journey was compounded by cultural issues with his family. A bombardment of defamatory postings, closing down of my business site out of spite ....and now proceeding with legal actions and injunctions ...my grieving process has been complicated and at times I feel like just giving up. Like all of you, people don't understand, they are unable to unless they stand in your shoes and walk in them. So for some of us we travel the journey alone, we grieve quietly and in the early hours of the morning, we cry softly to ourselves. For me , I feel I died in January. The person I was no longer exists, the life I had no longer existed and in a few minutes everything I understood and believed in was gone.
The journey for me, will be forever.The grieving will be forever and yes we change spiritually, we change sometimes physically and in essence we re establish who we are, why we are here and how we move forward.
For me people have difficulty in understanding that feelings and love don't disappear when the person we love is no longer physically with us. Quite the contrary the feelings and emotions intensify ...and with that a highlighting of the huge loss, the huge void in ones life. I have my moments ...they just arrive unexpectedly...a flooding of the tears...a breaking of ones heart ....and a deep pain a deep yearning to have back the one thing we want most. No one can ease the pain no one except the person we love ....so I send my love to you all...the journey is hard it is painful ....I cry myself to slept every night ...I wake up hoping that each day the pain will lessen ...it doesn't and for me I don't believe it ever will. Feeling alone ...walking the journey alone ...is hard ...painful and I thank you all for sharing your stories which creates a bond an understanding and a inner peace that I pherhaps I won't have to walk this journey .and face the darkest hours ...alone ....because truly the pain the loss ...there are no words ....and only those who travel a similar journey truly understand the feeling of losing the person /s one loves so deeply so intensely ...that at the moment of loss the world stops for us ...we become suspended even though those around us are doing things saying things or progressing with whatever ...for me my world stopped ....I lost myself ...and the journey forward ....is hard ....lonely and will be forever. Jeni x

Comment by Angela on June 17, 2015 at 8:52am

I appreciate everyone's candor! I can so relate. It's like no one really knows what it is like. They try to pretend it's no longer an issue. IT IS!!!!!! I lost my soulmate after 25 years of marriage. Of course it was not constant bliss. We worked hard through the ups and downs, have 2 children, the everyday stress of working, owning a home, financial strain, times of unemployment, family illness, other deaths of close family members....we worked hard to keep it all together out of our deep love and devotion to each other. Then on April 27th of this year, God thought he would take my love away from me and threw me to the dogs to do it all alone, manage my 2 boys, upkeep the house, care for my husbands aunt, work full time to stay afloat! Really??? I don't get it. It is so unfair. There are monsters out there that get to live while harming others may stealing, cheating and all that. Why take my love? He was gracious, kind, compassionate, loving. Everyday is painful. It's hard to get up in the morning and not be greeted by his smile or touch. I find isolating and staying at home to be the most comforting in all the pain. I don't like to leave the house. I do have to get groceries now and then....sometimes we don't have adequate supplies of food because I can't get myself to the store. I actually had my son go grocery shopping yesterday. We were so close...I don't know who I am right now. I feel disorganized. Anyway, I appreciate this group. I am new here, just a few days. I am glad I found you.

Comment by George H on June 17, 2015 at 5:58am

hi everyone just checking in on everybody I haven't been posting much but I've been here every day reading stuff not much is change for me it was 15 weeks yesterday it seems like it was an hour ago I'm still doing the best I can but I keep receiving into that dark place I'm not sure what I'm going to do but right now I can just go minute to minute that's all I've got I've taken 2 pretty much staying in my room with the dog why you remove my chair in there just have no interest to be in the rest of the house or to interact with anyone that wants to come in or out that's about all I've got for now you all take care of yourselves and I'll be here and the silence following you everyday

Comment by Tildyc on June 17, 2015 at 1:23am

Oh yes.... Isolation. I seek it at all times. I wish I where financially stable enough to retire from my work and move out to the family cabin. It's there- that I can be far away from the rest of the world and completely alone. It is very peaceful there and safe from any unwanted visitors. At least human visitors anyway. It's located well away from my little town and civilization- perfectly situated in the beautiful Alaskan wilderness.

But ever since the effin porcupine incident with our beloved dogs a few weeks ago- I have been unable to return to my hiding place. I hate that I have no place to seclude myself from the rest of the world. To escape all the well-meaning but unaware and unaffected normal folks.

Getting away like that by no means lessons my pain and suffering- but it does allow for me to be left to it. There is just something about that cabin. I feel Mark there. I cannot explain it... I just do.

Comment by Nancy on June 16, 2015 at 10:38pm

Oh my, Rachel_michelle, we are living parallel lives. My husband died March 9th of this year and I am 36. Every day it sucks, and then it gets better, and then I remember something else and it sucks again. I still can't quite believe he's gone. I only had him in my life for 5 years. It wasn't enough time. It was never going to be enough time.

Comment by bluebird on June 16, 2015 at 9:57pm

For me, too, it's as if I am on a different planet from everyone else. 

I don't know if anyone here will be familiar with what I'm about to describe, but this is sort of like what Tildy said -- in old basement windows, in row-homes in big cities (at least in the Northeast U.S.), rather than regular panes of glass they used to use these thick glass bricks.  Sunlight could come through them, and you could sort of see color in a vague way, but that was it. Nothing was clear. 

Now, it's like seeing the world through that sort of glass.  Everyone else is on the other side.

rachel_michelle, I isolate myself as much as I can as well. I don't want to interact with anyone else, except, to a limited extent, my immediate family (mom, dad, sister, brother-in-law). I have no choice but to work, because my financial situation is horrible, but if I had money I would not work, I would just stay in my apartment as much as possible. I don't give a good goddamn if life or other people or whatever want me to "move forward". I just want to stay still, in one place, and make my life as small as I possible can until I can die.  I'm not recommending that you, or anyone, do that, I'm just saying how it is for me.

Comment by rachel_micele on June 16, 2015 at 9:42pm

Reading the latest of posts, John's comment about how painful it is when people act like nothing has happened and Tidlyc's comment looking at the world and everyone in it through a thick and cloudy pained window ... I can relate. I need people. But out in the normal world, the right people are such a fine, finicky, and unstable line ... the emotional tailspin from a well meaning but way off the mark comment is something I work to avoid. So I too find myself isolating a lot.

Sometimes I want to unplug so completely from anything and everything "normal" that it's like I'd fall off the face of the earth for a while. I got a different job for summer that allows me to be alone virtually 100% of the time which is the best part about it. I feel like I'm on a distant planet trying to function on earth with the non-grief that try but can't understand our crippling hell. Life tries to pull me forward but I'm stuck in quicksand. And not only that, I don't want to go forward because that means I would have accepted the heart stabbing reality that my love is physically forever gone ...

Comment by Tildyc on June 15, 2015 at 4:42pm

m morgan and John T-

Morgan- I just finished reading your personal e-mail to me. One of the subjects you mentioned was repeating numbers- 1's, 4's ...

As soon as I finished reading your message, I went to our main thread to check in and John T had posted how its truly never going to be alright. Which is the absolute and undeniable truth. I'm in complete and total agreement on this John T. I am convinced I'm to live the entirety of my life in this subterranean like state of existence. I feel as if I'm observing the rest of the world and the people in it-through a cloudy and thickly paned window.

But also- m morgan- interestingly enough the number on John's last post was 1111. I'm not really clear on the significance of these series of numbers. But I found it impelling that those numbers popped up immediately after reading your message to me. Anyways- I wanted to bring that to your attention.

Comment by Richard G on June 15, 2015 at 8:35am

Angela, I am sorry for your loss. I lost my spouse to cancer on 4/18/15 and can really relate to how you feel. Everyday is a struggle just to get out of bed. Just know that you are not alone. There are always people here who understand what you are going through. I wish you some moments of peace.

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