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Comment by Tildyc on July 20, 2015 at 12:12am

I miss making plans and I miss the anticipation and excitement of the upcoming event. I miss happiness and laughing. I miss being loved. I miss having my partner in crime and my best friend.

The plans I make now only make me sad and more isolated. I try to plan my day around having to not interact with the un-effected. To avoid the human race in general to be truthful. There is zero excitement and happiness in my life now. And I no longer have my partner in crime- who kept our lives fun and interesting. He was my best and only friend. And I most definitely do not feel loved at all anymore. That beautiful feeling is gone. It's completely gone. Like him.

This is my pathetic POS life now. So useless and unwanted. What a waste of what used to be a beautiful life. Has this all been for not? Or did I unknowingly commit an infraction so vile that I somehow owe such an ultimate sacrifice and penance? I don't believe I've ever been even close to being that kind of evil. Admittedly far from perfect but, he and I surely do NOT deserve this. A life sentence of grief and complete separation . The pain of the loss of my soul mate. This is not justified. It's BS. It's wrong.

Comment by Tildyc on July 19, 2015 at 9:14pm

Oh my gosh George that is so sad. I'm sorry. All I can say is I understand. I get it. We are all so very broken and sad. I hope someday we find peace.

Comment by George H on July 19, 2015 at 1:50pm

Mary passed at 330 in the morning I got up right around 3 o'clock to take care of her now no matter what time I go to sleep I can't get past 3:10 a.m. since the night she died

Comment by Trina Mamoon on July 19, 2015 at 4:54am

Tildyc and AnneJ,

Know exactly what you are talking about. It's almost 2:00AM and I can't go to bed; no Joseph to go to bed with (we were both night owls and watched TV--PBS mysteries--and other crime shows together). When we finally fell asleep, it was with a deep contentment of having each other and sharing such a wonderful love. Now it's all a painful memory; only the tears keep me company as I search for some solace on TV or on grief and social networks. What a sad, sorry life this is!

Comment by Tildyc on July 19, 2015 at 2:21am

I hate going to bed. It's a very lonely and heart wrenching ordeal. I often stayed up later than Mark. So by time I headed to our bed, he was sleeping peacefully. I would see him under the blankets breathing quietly. He never snored. When I crawled in he would roll over and put his arm around me, and I would feel so completely happy and content. All was right with the world in that precious moment on time.

Now - I stay up as late as I can because I can't bare the deep and overwhelming sadness when I look at our bed and it's so very empty. When I finally crawl into that big lonely bed and I cling to his pillow- I soak it with my tears. I reach out to his side of the bed and it's cold and no longer warmed by the man I loved more than myself. I beg for him over and over again to please, please, please come home. All I can do is cry myself to sleep every night. And then when I wake up the next morning- I immediately feel his absence and the tears are there once again. Many times I wake up with tears already coursing down my cheeks. His absence in my life is more than I know how to handle, I am broken and helpless in this onslaught of greif and pain. I just want to go to him. Then- and only then- Will I be happy once again.

Comment by rachel_micele on July 18, 2015 at 11:25pm

To be surrounded by a crowd/group of people and yet feel so distantly alone is a horrible feeling and something I'm purposely starting to avoid. For how long, who knows. On the 4th I was at a family function and out of the 6 other people there, only 1 (my mom) do I have a genuine, real relationship with. I was only there for her. As the meal continued I sat expressionless sinking deeper and deeper to the point where it just felt so utterly pointless and useless. This was my first time around these other family members since Gary passed and after that I felt like my grief regressed. 

I've been working hard to be continuously aware of my feelings and sensitive to the boundaries and limits I need to set for myself. I definitely saw this one needs to be taken more seriously if I have any chance to get through this.

Granted my example is applying to family; it's already been happening with strangers from the beginning. Not initially for this reason. Initially everything was so overwhelming and I was so ridiculously sensitive to sound, noise, any sensory stimulation. So to be in a crowd just hearing, seeing, and feeling the chatter, movement, noise, etc, frayed my nerves in mere minutes.

Comment by George H on July 18, 2015 at 9:08pm

, I do realize now that people in the other world do not understand the terms mentally alone and mentally broken they relate loneliness to just not having people around they don't seem to understand that people like us can be in the middle of a stadium and be alone I just keep drawing further and further away from that other world I never thought I'd get like this but I just don't see any otherchoice

Comment by nicole irving on July 17, 2015 at 11:04pm

i certainly will John T. i had my birthday 3 weeks before mike passed, and it was only 1 week after mothers day that he passed, he bought me flowers for mothers day, i couldnt bear to get rid of them, by the time i did they were very, very wiltered. i dont think i will be celebrating any of these special occasions for the rest of my life.

Comment by nicole irving on July 17, 2015 at 7:44pm

it makes me feel as thou i am not alone reading these posts , knowing everything i feel is normal. but it saddens me that there are so many people feeling the same way, what a cruel, cruel world we live in.

Comment by Tildyc on July 17, 2015 at 3:37pm

rachell_michelle

I have gone through a very similar thought process about suicide. One of my top concerns where my 2 dogs. I am extremely worried what would happen to them if I took my own life. You see- they are 2 very large but extemely loving pitbulls. They are NOT dangerous. But since society hates this amazing, completely misunderstood breed of dog, I'm sure that they would be mistreated and euthanized. So- if I do end my own suffering- I would bring them with me.

I'm still researching what "vehicle" I would use for my exit. Meds maybe?? But- I do have my 22 yr old son- and this so far stops me from following through. I would never want to be the one responsible for him to suffer as badly as I do.

So for now- I continue experiencing how much more of this suffocating, soul sucking greif and pain I can endure. It's like living in hell. I fucking hate this and just wish I would meet with an untimely demise. I do not want this life anymore. I only want my soulmate back. And NOTHING else will ever do.

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