Nicole

Hi

I'm checking in to see how you are holding up? The upcoming holidays seem to be ripping my heart out, so I'm sure you are feeling it also. I'm here if you need to vent.

Nicole,

I'm so sorry that you've become a member of this club that none of us wants to be in. I lost my amazing husband of 38 years on April 1 to cancer. We have been together since I was 19. We also worked together, so my whole life was wrapped up in him and our kids. I know how blessed we were, you and I, and others here, to have found our true soul-mate. I just don't know who I am without him. So many people have said that it was never just Jim or Sara, it was always Jim and Sara. And truly, my husband was a remarkable man. The woman that did his service said that she had heard many times that the deceased person was "larger than life", but with my husband it was the first time that she believed it. When he walked into a room, he was the one that everyone wanted to hang out with, to talk to.

Most times I miss him so much that it's hard to breathe. I'm jealous of people who say that they feel their loved ones close, because I just don't. I wish that I had a stronger faith, this would be so much easier if I knew that someday we would be together again, but I just don't know. I guess the only advise I can give you is to do things in YOUR time. Don't let anyone push you or talk you into doing anything that you aren't ready to do. Take it slow, and walk away and cry when you need to.

Sometimes I feel like he was just taken yesterday and sometimes I feel like it's been years. I rattle around in our big old house, and miss him. I should sell it, it's way too big for one person, but it has been our home for almost 30 years. We got married in our livingroom, and my Jim died in our livingroom, how could I ever live anywhere else? I'm still sleeping on the couch because I just cant imagine sleeping in our bed without him. Life will just never be the same.

If you ever need to just rant, feel free to email me, I know that sometimes you just want to talk about him, and the day he was taken, and people just don't want to hear it again, I understand!

Nicole, I can so relate to your yearning and sadness, feeling overwhelmed and not having you husband to be with you and help you. When my Tom died in April it was from a heart attack, too. Doing all the stuff he did--bill paying, laundry, grocery shopping and cooking...and now I have all that plus my full time job. I am overwhelmed myself. If I could have him back in my arms, holding each other. I miss him terribly.

We lost a part of ourselves. We are trying to function and no longer whole. It is such a disorganized feeling.

Hi Nicole ! I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for your support ! Hugs

Nicole,

I am a bit older than you:60 when my husband died. I had taken what is called "family leave of abscence" in the States to take care of Bill when he was diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer. My workplace was also very accommodating and let me essentially work when I wanted. When Bill died I took 3 weeks and then went back to work. I worked for 4 weeks and told them I couldn't do it anymore. I quit/retired. You see, I was a nurse and had gotten burned out...didn't want to be responsible for anyone elses life anymore. It's been 8 months since Bill died and I will admit I do get bored at times.

Bill traveled for work alot and one of the places he went to was Australia, so 4 years ago he took me there for one of the best vacations I've ever had. I have wonderful memories of your land! We had talked about returning...Life is ever-changing...

Basically, take the time! If you can do part-time for a while to see how it goes DO IT! A friend of mine admitted he went back to work tooooooo soon after his wife died (also a nurse)....

Nicole, I am so sorry for your loss. I understand everything you're feeling. It is completely normal to not know how to move forward. It is merely putting one foot in front of the other.
I lost my soul mate 8 weeks ago to a pulmonary aneurysm. It was sudden and unexpected! I highly recommend the book: I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye by Brooke Noel and Pamela D. Blair. I just got it a week ago. It has been an enormous help and comfort.
Just remember that the grieving process is hard work! Give yourself permission to heal. You do what is right for you. It is your journey. It is a lonely journey. Everyone grieves differently so don't allow others to tell you what you should be feeling or doing. People mean well, but most do not understand.
Also, you will receive many signs from your husband. Embrace them! He is with you. These signs bring us comfort. Grieving is a dark tunnel but your husband is letting you know he is there; he understands, he is trying to comfort you.
Just know there are many of us walking with you through this tunnel. We understand your pain. We may live worlds apart but our spirits are connected. I send hugs to you.