Comment

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 25, 2015 at 2:52am

Today is Christmas and I am just sitting alone in silence thinking of all the Christmases I spent with my beloved Husband Julian.

Comment by D on December 24, 2015 at 3:48pm

Thanks George.But I'll just be glad when all the holidays are OVER!

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 24, 2015 at 9:25am

Thanks George, I think we all feel the same.

Comment by George H on December 24, 2015 at 8:21am

I just wanted to say hi to everyone I'm not going to wish you all a Merry Christmas. We all know how that's going to be just want you to know I'm always thinking about you

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 24, 2015 at 6:53am

My Husband used to jerk in his sleep, I would give my soul to feel him next to me again.

Comment by nicole irving on December 23, 2015 at 5:51am

I went 3 yrs with little sleep... snoring, talking , singing, getting donged in the head by a massive elbow..... what i would do to be getting no sleep for those reasons again.... not just cos i lay awake for hours thinking of you and wishing you were beside me still.

Comment by morgan on December 23, 2015 at 1:47am

John,

If there was any other scenario I could promise you other than the one you are looking at I would fashion you a new tomorrow.  I have come to feel more compassion for the group of us who post here than most of my own family.  

I think it is more than true that disbelief is our constant companion. It has become the ball and chain we drag around.  Our freedom to interact in the world as we knew it has become restricted.   I used that ball and chain more than once to beat myself up as well as ask people to acknowledge my status of having to go slower.  But most people do not see the ball and chain.  It is invisible to them.  

So then I tried just isolating myself in my own personal prison with self erected walls so that I don't have to explain why it hurts so much.  It was easier than trying to explain the ball and chain. I didn't have to talk to people.  I isolated myself.

Then the other morning I had another little epiphany.  I woke up thinking about the word spite.  Defined it is the "desire to hurt, annoy or offend someone".  And I realized for me it was exactly the word that described what I am doing.  Except the someone I am hurting is myself.  I am spiting myself.  I have destabilized my relationships as a defense against hurt by using spite as my weapon.  I cannot and will not accept more hurt so I use spite and it works.  I am able to keep my distance from my own personal hurt by hurting others.  It's quite effective.  If I punish myself then I don't have to feel as though his death is my punishment for being left behind.  It gives me an out so I don't have to go forward.  And anyone who challenges me gets shut out.  I've convinced myself that being spiteful towards myself works to keep others at a distance so I don't have to interact.  It's a hamster wheel I don't know how to get off.  And to be honest I am not sure I want to.  There was an awful lot of work involved in fitting into this dysfunctional world before and when i had my husband to help me it was tolerable.  He always knew what to say to me when I couldn't put the round peg in the square hole.  I'm sure your Diane was the same person to you.  We are lucky when we find that person, a lot unluckier when we lose them.  I am just not sure I want to nor do I have to do it all over again.  Whichever way I look at it I think I am paying a cost.  

Now I am in the phase after two years and 11 months of deciding the cost.  Not there yet but when you say this cannot be reality it is and it sucks.  Xmas sucks, New years will suck and January 21st will really suck.  All I can do is wish us all one day closer to the time when it is all figured out.

Take care.

Comment by rachel_micele on December 22, 2015 at 10:26pm

Hugs to you Morgan. I've taken a towel and with the toilet lid down, hit it against that as hard as I could. Sometimes multiple times in a row. It's not only the action of feeling the hit but to hear it as well. I too would enjoy throwing glass against something hard just to hear it shatter into a million pieces. That's my life. Shattered and broken. And for me that was exactly how fast it fuckin happened. 

Comment by Hilary Christene on December 19, 2015 at 12:33am

Morgan, my heart aches for your anguish

Comment by morgan on December 19, 2015 at 12:30am

I want to break glass.  I want to hurl it against a hard object and feel what it is like to smash into a million pieces. Piercing sounds.  It’s been so long. I have forgotten what its like to know him.  To feel him.   I’m crying again.  I can’t stand this. I’m so tired.  I’m so tired of living this horrible ugly soul destroying life. 

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