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Comment by Mel Royer on January 27, 2016 at 8:16am

Same here, George! I don't care if I ever  accomplish anything again.  When I'm not broken down in sorrow, I am apathetic about everything. I still do absolutely nothing around the house. I write my letter to Nancy, which I do daily, always around 6:50 a.m. and then lapse into malaise. At the moment, I doubt that will ever change and I see my days just running from one to another while I achieve absolutely nothing. I hope to see my bride soon, that is all I have to look forward to.   Take care, George. For me, this group is my life saver.

Comment by Hilary Christene on January 27, 2016 at 7:26am

I hear you George, Alice, Rachel ... as the shock wears off there is now little protection from how the events and the world going on around me feel irrelevant and even like a giant mistake.

Perhaps my grief will do me the supreme kindness of boring me to death.

Comment by George H on January 27, 2016 at 6:58am

Hi everyone just another long worthless day and night just wanted to check in on everybody been trying to keep up with y'all the life is been pretty shitty Mary been gone just about a year now and nothing seems to be any better should all just seems to be a total waste of time

Comment by rachel_micele on January 26, 2016 at 10:14am

For me, I immediately went hard and deep into the grief, panic, and desperation ... to trick my mind was absolutely impossible. Nor was staying busy a possibility. Neither would be possible still after 10 1/2 months.

Comment by Mariella Kennedy on January 26, 2016 at 7:28am

I can trick my mind and get busy during the day doing things... It is at night when reality knocks me down in this empty bed! Your wonderful presence is missing and heart beats are skipping- Love you Sunny Boy!

Comment by nicole irving on January 25, 2016 at 5:34am

yes rachel michelle, things had been hard financially since the word go, so we lived tight and paid off what we could, we wanted our farm, the evening before he passed i sat on his knee and smiled and said " we've done it" "things are going to be ok now".......... and gave him some money to buy his lunch. driving home from work that night, i felt like a teenager in love, my head was spinning, i was working out a romantic text to send him, then thought to myself, nah thats silly, im nearly home, i will send it tomorrow when he's at work. that will brighten his day. he never got that text message...... where do i go from here, i think i know but it doesnt feel the same. he is still with me thou, some days i walk around feeling the most amazing love, the same as you feel when you first see your newborn baby, and i can feel like that all day, its amazing. i want him to come home, i want to talk to him touch him, cuddle, i have no idea how this happened. how did we not know he was sick. the guilt of that will stay with me forever. i feel as thou i am in a daze. did he know how much i loved him? I would like to tell you not to be depressed rachel michelle but then i would be a hypocryte, i hope your day is a little better tomorrow

Comment by rachel_micele on January 24, 2016 at 10:40pm

"Without him, the world, this life, has nothing for me in it. I pray it all can somehow be over soon. I know that is awful, but it is how I feel." My grandma on my father's side just turned 99. And up until around 6 months ago she was living in her apartment at the retirement home, doing amazing for her age. Her mom lived to be 101. Before my hell I thought it might be good if i inherited their genes. Now, I'm hoping I didn't ... 

I think I knew, Nicole, but forgot you and Mike were together a very short amount of time like Gary and I. It just doesn't seem fair at all for us. I remember you saying things either were or were going to be turning around for you guys. Similar scenario with Gary and I. It was all right there, coming into reach. I hate what life has done and this cruel, fucking hand I've been dealt. Super depressed tonight ...     

Comment by nicole irving on January 24, 2016 at 5:29am

Rachel Michelle and Rebekah, i totally understand...... 39yrs old, it took me 16 long years to find my soulmate, and omg did he sweep me off my feet, he was my every wish, my every dream, it finally happened, it happened to me, i found him.... and 3 yrs later, just as quickly hes gone, i didnt get to say goodbye, i didnt get to be there, at the moment i am having a moment where i dont want to go on, but i love my kids and i will stay here for me. so this life of misery, is that what i am to expect forever onwards now, lost, confused, miserable.... what a life? mike is in a better place... a better place than i am, oh i love him... how much i love him, its still surreal... how after 9mths can it still seem so surreal

Comment by nicole irving on January 24, 2016 at 5:20am

 I took our son away for the first time since you passed. Nothing is the same, the motel room, seemed so empjy, the world is so empty, my life is empty. This isnt fair, 49yrs old. We had our whole life planned. I miss you all the time, im sad all the time. Why oh why oh why did we deserve this. I feel like i am going crazy life is not living. I want you to come home. Please come home.

Comment by Hilary Christene on January 21, 2016 at 9:51pm

Driving home after work starts my despairing. I have a friend who talks to me on the phone to keep me above the black hole. But she has been feeling poorly, and hasn't been able to take my call for some time. I put my ring on, and drive, and cry. I used to call D on the way home, because I couldn't stand how the slow traffic made me have to wait those extra slow minutes before I could be with him again. His voice was like chocolate. He was like chocolate, so rich in character, so sweet and delightful. Without him, the world, this life, has nothing for me in it. I pray it all can somehow be over soon. I know that is awful, but it is how I feel. Sorrow and longing, shock, horror, bewilderment, regret. Bereavement. My love, my love, my dearest, shining treasure. My heart beats out its steadfast adoration, in useless silence. I miss, I miss, I miss... I beg for mercy. Let me be with him again.

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