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Comment by Cynthia Horacek on September 11, 2011 at 6:11pm

Barbara -

I am so sorry that your brother's wife is this way; it may be the only way she can bear the loss - to push it out of her existence.  But she is wrong to deprive her children of the memory of their father; and it will come back to bite her someday.  But I am concerned about you- and how this anger might be eating you up inside and doing harm to you.  If you can find a way to release and express and then let go of your anger, it will be better for you in the long run.  I'm not saying don't be angry, because it's normal and natural and I'd probably feel the same way.  I hope that you can get through this somehow.  Big hugs.

Comment by Barbra Ingrassia Fairman on September 11, 2011 at 5:34pm

well, my brothers widow remarried today. 1 year and 5 months after he died. And just like that I am right back in the ANGER zone. Richie belonged to the harness racing association and the way they honored him after he died was amazing. The only black mark on his death is his widow. She wants to wipe out his memory. She doesn't even want HIS kids to remember him. They have pictures that they keep under their bed. My brother was such a good person and he loved his family sooo much. I hate hate hate her!!!

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on September 9, 2011 at 10:47pm

Oh, Jeanne, I am so sorry.  That sucks.  I hope you recover soon.  Do you have anyone at home to help you when you get there?  Wow, both ankles, too.  I'm so very sorry.  I wonder if I was picking up your pain; yesterday I didn't think I'd ever stop crying.  I finally closed up the house around 7:30, went back to my bedroom, took the medication I take to help me sleep (I have chronic insomnia related to fibromyalgia) and finally calmed down - probably from my meds.  I did sleep.  When I wake up in the mornings, I always feel like there's someone here with me - maybe not in my room, but here in the house.  It's a feeling of comfort, not fear, and then I realize I'm alone and that always sucks.

Well, girl, you take it easy!  As if you had a choice... do you knit?  I'd be glad to send you up some yarn and some needles and an easy pattern... or maybe a book?  Let me know if you need anything.  I'm in Southern CA, but it's still CA!  Take care. 

Comment by Jeanne Potter on September 9, 2011 at 10:07pm

Hi Cynthia, Well seems I cannot do anything right these days. I left on Sun for the trip to Lake Tahoe. Drove to SF the next day to meet my niece and spend the night seeing the sights before driving back to LT. Well on Tues. we went to alcatraz and then had lunch on Fisherman's Wharf. We were getting ready to leave and went to our parking garage to find our rental car had the windows smashed and purses that were hidden robbed. You don't have to tell me they should not have been left they were not mine. Anyway I had to catch a cab to the local Hertz office and get another car. I got out of the cab and proceeded to trip on a curb and that took me to the ground. I knew I had broken my ankle right away. I took my vacation ambulance to Ca. Pacific Medical Ctr. I had surgery Weds. night and it was the three main bones in my right foot and I fractured another in the top of my left foot. I finally got my family to drive back to Tahoe yesterday and try to have some vacation anyway. I was transferred today to another one of these hospitals but with more rehab. I am not sure when I am leaving but I have canceled my trip out of Reno for sure. Maybe early next week if things go well, but I will be laid up for a while. Things have got to get better for us.

Comment by Barbra Ingrassia Fairman on September 9, 2011 at 3:47pm

Arielle- I went through this in March. I got through it by saying to myself that it's just a day. On Sept 28th it will be 366 days gone by.It truly is so sad. I used to hold my breath on these anniversaries like expecting something to happen. Nothing happens, in fact, its full of nothing. I don't believe getting through the first year is any great feat, because we still have the 2nd year and the 3rd and so on. This Sucks

Comment by Arielle on September 9, 2011 at 7:02am

September 27 will be the first anniversary of my brother Adam's death. I do not know how to cope. I miss him so much. I'm having flashbacks of those last terrible days. I do not want to relive them.

Comment by anna l. on September 9, 2011 at 4:07am

I am so tired tonight.  Im tired of people saying theyre sorry I "lost" my husband.  I did not lose my husband!  I didnt misplace him at the market, or sit him down somewhere and if I was smarter, more together I would still have him with me!  He was slolen from he by cancer in the blink of an eye.  He had no choice in it and neither did I.  We did not ask for cancer to come into our lives, the sneaky bastard growing undetected like a thief in the night, until it was so strong, so powerful, there was no chance to even mount a defence.   My husband did not "lose" the battle with cancer.  He was sucker punched and then sniper shot and he died.  There was no grace in his end.  There was no peace.  Cancer stole my husband.  I did not lose him.

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on September 5, 2011 at 11:21pm

Dear Jeanne -

Thank you.  I'm having a harder time now that my daughter and her husband (I don't think I'll ever get used to that - 'her husband'!) have left.  My whole family was there for the wedding, and everyone was at my mom and dad's Friday, Saturday for the wedding, and Sunday for brunch.  I feel a bit overwhelmed, and now that everyone is gone back home, the quiet and loneliness are settling in again.  It's hard to watch people with their loved one's hugging and holding hands, and while I'm happy for my brothers and my niece (who brought her husband and 9 month old son - what a cutie pie!), I'm still in that rut of my own.  It just keeps on coming back up - that wave like a surge of sadness that comes and washes me back out to sea.  I start teaching tomorrow (I teach part time in a graduate program at a local university) and as much as I love teaching, I find myself wishing I hadn't made this commitment, as I would much rather take a few weeks off and just travel wherever I want; maybe I'm trying to escape or run away, although I am well aware that this pain is something that I cannot escape, but must go through to get to the other side of it.  People live, and then they die.  I always knew on some level I would outlive my Don, but I just wasn't ready for it now.  As glad as I am that he is not suffering any more, my heart just aches for him.  I don't want to be held or hugged or touched by just anyone; I want it to be him.  I cannot imagine myself ever being with anyone else, although I know many people go on to have new, loving relationships.  I don't see that for myself; I don't think I'd ever find anyone who would measure up to Don.  He was just the best that there was.  I know that everyone who misses someone feels that way about their own special someone.  I think one of the things that is hard is that people see me doing better, and then if I'm sad again, or mourning, they seem to wonder why I'm "going backwards."  I don't feel a need to apologize or explain it; I just want to be able to have my feelings and not have to apologize.  I'm a little upset with my brothers right now about some family issues and not be heard, and the expectations that they seem to putting on me right now.  But that's just family stuff, and actually, I'm kind of beyond caring right now how they see me or don't see me.  Anyway, thanks for the kind words re: my daughter and her husband, and your support.  I hope you have a wonderful trip with "the girls."  You are so lucky to have a sister!  I'd love to take a trip with my sister in law and my mom; my mom could really use a break from taking care of my dad, but she won't leave him.  Oh well.  I just hope she doesn't collapse from exhaustion.  Thanks again.  

Comment by Jeanne Potter on September 5, 2011 at 10:15pm

Oh Cynthia what a handsome couple. They look so happy together. I am so glad you got through it. I know it had to be difficult. Now take some time for you and relax a little if you can. 

I flew into Lake Tahoe yesterday with my sister and sister in law for a week. We are in San Francisco tonight as we picked up my niece who was here for a convention and are bringing her back to Tahoe with us. I have been in Tahoe on vc with my husband and SF back in 88. Today we did the Muir woods, golden gate bridge ride and went to The Cliffs restaurant. Tomorrow we are sailing over to Alcatraz. All of those things my husband and I did before and it is a little tough but you get through it. I am the only one that has been here before so it is all new to everyone else and fun to see their excitement. Looking forward to get back to Tahoe and make some new memories. Got to stop living in the past, but always remembering how wonderful all those times were. I had the time of my life...

Congrats on getting through your daughters big day and hang in there!!!!

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on September 5, 2011 at 8:53pm

Natalie -

Have you tried to see a therapist who can help you learn to deal with your anxiety?  There is a lot you can learn to do to manage your symptoms.  There are some good medications, and some antidepressants help more with anxiety than do others.  Celexa is more for depression than it is for anxiety.  And it isn't unusual to have a negative reaction to one antidepressant, but be okay on another.  The chemistry is different with each one, and how it affects each individual.   You need to talk to a psychiatrist about this; not a family doctor or someone who doesn't specialize in psychotropic meds.  There are also some good books on how to deal with anxiety; you just have to look and find one that looks like it will help you.  Please don't give up on medications; there are some good ones.  I had to really work to get my husband to finally try antidepressants, and when he did, he discovered that it helped his anxiety!  He was on Lexipro.  Lexipro is more on the anxiety end of the spectrum; some treat only depression, some more anxiety, and you just have to be willing to try and see what works for you. That and a really good shrink.  And a really good therapist!   Anxiety has a strong genetic link, and if you have have it most of your life it is most likely biological, and not just due to life events.  Good luck.

Cynthia

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