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Comment by Melissa Broome on December 5, 2011 at 9:17pm

Welcome Becca

Comment by Barbara Sutton on December 5, 2011 at 8:11pm

Dear Becca, welcome. I have just joined not to long ago after losing my husband in April. I have just begun the process. I understand that things don't get better fast. I have had my hands full with my daughter and grandson, and their drama. I am fastly approaching my grandson's first birthday, and with that, I have total recall coming in fast of the last car ride my husband and I took before all hell broke loose. While the event of our grandson was a blessing, little did we know he would be without his grandpa before he was 1. I fear that I am beginning the anger stage and all I want to do is hide out. I've always been a strong woman, fell apart for a short time, and now I find myself longing to tell everyone how much I miss him, but struggle with the words because I don't want to burden anyone. Just know that there are those of us trailing on your heels and bles you for your loss.

Barb

Comment by BeccA on December 5, 2011 at 7:32pm

Just joined this support group today.  I'm not really sure how to use the groups/boards, etc. yet, but will start.  I lost my oldest daughter, Jennifer 36 yrs old, to pancreatic cancer 12/12/10. So we are almost to 1 year.   Knew that the holidays would be hard...  Still have too many vivid memories of her suffering for 2 years and that is one of the hardest things I think.  I have been through the grief process with an infant son who died due to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) 21 years ago.  Never thought I'd have to go through another child's death.

Comment by Melissa Broome on December 5, 2011 at 5:09pm

Cynthia,

I do tell them if they ask me whats wrong I just don't want them to remember their childhood of mommy moping around all day. my children are 7, 5 today, and 1 almost 2 on the 11th. Where in California are you from?

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on December 5, 2011 at 3:30pm

Dear Jeanne and Melissa -

Thank you both for your responses.

Jeanne, I had my house on the market for about 4 months, and a lot  of lookers but no offers.  The market stinks; especially in California. i"m glad you were able to sell.  I hope your friend gets good news, too.

Melissa, it's okay for your children to see that you are sad and miss your mom; it will give them "permission" to express their own loss.  If it's okay for mommy, it's okay for me.  If they don't understand (I don't know how old they are), just say "mommy really misses grandma right now and I'm sad.  It's okay to be sad, and it's okay to cry."  They'll do fine.  Good luck.

Comment by Melissa Broome on December 5, 2011 at 2:52pm

Cynthia,

I'm trying think the same way. I know my mom would not want me to be sad. But it's so hard I miss her so much. But I really try to not let it show especially in front of my children. I do except that she's gone..I know I will see her again. But it doesn't stop me from missing her more then my words can even express. But I still need to keep moving for my family. She always told me kids first...I have always done that :) Her words echo in my head..Sometimes it brings a smile to my face or tears to my eyes..But I cherish each and every memory and words of encouragement my mom saw me as something I never had..She opened her eyes one morning when she was so sick and told me..You are amazing that has stuck with me..I told her thanx mom but I think you are amazing. She was so strong..I really miss her.

Take care,

Melissa

Comment by Jeanne Potter on December 5, 2011 at 2:47pm

You know Cynthia, your Don would have gotten along great with my Harry. I know for sure he is saying those same things Don is. I know he is right. Through our marriage he would say if my time is up it is up and I have lived a good live. He was saying that when he was 40. It was just the way he was. I am coming up on one year of losing him on December 22nd. I can remember every day that happened last year this month and it is not always pleasant, but it was what it was. Dec. 7th he went on Hospice and Dec. 13th we went to the Apollo and saw Paul McCartney live and it was great. It was also the last night he lefft home and 9 days later he was gone and oh so peacefully he went. I thank God everyday for that. I am in the middle of a buy sell nightmare with my home and I am scehduled to close on the 15th of Dec. One week before the anniversary. We were here for 25 years and it would have been hard for both of us to leave, but to do it alone is rough. If it would only work itself out instead of coming right down to the closing, but nothing is ever easy. I  feel he would want me to do this move as it was our plan and I have to move forward and start a new plan on my own. I have been doing a lot of crying lately and I know it is a lot of things happening at once. I feel better after a good cry, so it isn't so bad.

I am on my way to Philly right now with my friend for her final treatment in a study for her ovarian cancer. She will get news before we leave and oh I pray it is good. She looks good and feels good, so maybe just maybe we will have a miracle for her. If it works, it can work for so many others.

I will let you know how that comes out and maybe take my mind of other things for a while.

Hang in there everyone, better days are coming, they have to!!!!

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on December 5, 2011 at 2:20pm

Hello, friends.  I have been "off-line" for a few weeks on this board.  I hope those of you who did have a Thanksgiving managed to do okay with it.  This was my second one without Don; I was going to go with someone I had just met to her brother's house, but my neighbors ended up inviting me and I know their whole family, so all I had to do was walk across the street.  I was pleasant, and I was glad I wasn't alone.  Last year on Thanksgiving day, two weeks after Don died, his father died.  His dad was the sweetest man; I found out early in our marriage where Don got his kindness and thoughtfulness... both of his parents were wonderful to me, and wonderful grandparents.  Anyway, we expected his dad to pass as he was 96 and in poor health; I really believe for some reason he was holding on for Don, and when Don died, he was able to let himself go.  My brother-in-law had to come back to California from Maryland to bury his dad, just two weeks after losing his brother.  That was hard.

Anyway... I was sitting here on Saturday, and looking up at the picture I have of Don over the mantlepiece.  He was so handsome, and such a beautiful person.  And it occurred to me, if he could talk to me, he would say something like "It is what it is, and it won't do you any good to be unhappy or depressed or worried about something you can't do anything about."  I hope that doesn't sound cold; he was not a cold man, but he was very pragmatic.  I always called him my voice of reason.  I've been fighting a terrible depression lately.  I'm on meds, but really don't think that has anything to do with how I'm feeling.  In other words, different meds or more meds wouldn't change anything.  But somehow when I "heard" these words in my head, I felt better.  Yes, I still miss him more than anything; yes, I want him back; yes, it's lonely without him; yes, I still cry.  But just holding on to his philosophical view on the more negative times in life somehow helped me.  I'm not telling anyone else they should "embrace" this or anything; I'm just sharing my experience.  He will always be my one true love; my soulmate.  As lonely as I get, I can't see myself ever sharing my life with anyone else (unless it's a dog maybe...can I smile here?)  

The holidays are still coming, and are going to be hard for all of us who have lost someone.  Last year we didn't do Christmas; except for the gifts for my grandsons, I don't expect to do it this year, either.  I will, however light the Hanukah candles, not just because I'm Jewish, but because that was something Don always enjoyed (he was raised Catholic...isn't it funny how these things seem to work?  He wanted the candles; I wanted the tree!); so each of the 8 candles I light during this  particular holiday will be to honor his memory, and the place I will always have for him in my heart.

Thanks for "listening."  

Comment by Betsy Arnold on November 30, 2011 at 6:08pm

Laura, your Jon sounds like my Dale. He definitely gave his heart very freely and did anything he could do to help people always. We did a lot of that together, served God and served others. I've been dreaming about him a lot. I know I will see him again, and I know he's still here, watching over me. I'm a songwriter, piano player and studying to be a music therapist, and almost through the program. He was so encouraging and supportive of my music and was always happy about how it touched others, too. He made me sing at his funeral. You're in my thoughts and prayers as you approach that first year anniversary.

Comment by Laura Salefski on November 30, 2011 at 4:40pm

Betsy, It seems like our husbands had the same qualities. Jon was always looking out for the other guy. He would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it. It strange however, because I have not been able to give his things away yet. For me it will be a year on Dec. 3rd. It seems like it has been forever since I saw his smiling face, or heard his voice. Like you I miss him terribly. I know how hard it is to want to go on without him, so just keep your chin up and dream of the day you will be with him again.

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