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Comment by Cynthia Horacek on December 25, 2011 at 4:00pm

Laura -

You are not alone.  I know how it feels; it's terrible.  More than that, it totally sucks and there not a damn (sorry) thing we can do.  This is my second Christmas; last Christmas my daughter and her now-husband came and we all agreed we didn't feel like having Christmas, so we didn't.  But one day I went into take a nap and they had hung lights and small ornaments around the fireplace and I have to admit it was kind of nice - it gave the room some warmth. this year I am lighting the Menorah, not because I'm Jewish  (he wasn't; I am), but because even tho he wasn't a Jew he really just enjoyed the candles.  So I''m doing it in a way to honor his memory.  

As I've said, it's okay to stay in bed and cry as many tears as you have to.  It may not make you feel better now, but it does release some of the feelings, and it helps later on in the process if you let yourself have your feelings now, and don't stuff them or deny them.  

Today will pass, and in another week, we'll be back to just "normal" (whatever that is) life.  No holiday celebrations, but there will be reminders every day.  There are for me.  I've decided to take them as a sign that Don is letting me know he's with me, and he's watching over me and he's waiting for me, as long as it takes for me to get to him, he'll be waiting for me.  This I truly believe.  I didn't used to, but now I do.  Big hugs.  

Comment by Laura Salefski on December 25, 2011 at 3:38pm

I was supposed to go to my friend Tracy's house for Christmas. I kust can't muster thR strength it takes to get up and get dressed. I seriously thing this is where I will spend my entire day. I don't want to celebrate without Jon. Today is just another day without my husband. I hate it. O want him here with me where he should be. I have cried a million tears and that has not made me feel any better. Stupid cancer, it ruins everything.

Comment by mercy on December 25, 2011 at 1:14am

Melissa and Cynthia, thanks for your support. Its one in the morning and am not in the least ready to go to bed. The last three days have been hard cause my sister in law was here, its the first time I'm meeting her. I've had a rough week since I hadn't slept at all since Tuesday night. Yesterday I was so exhausted and spent most of the day in bed. She took this very badly and even though I explained to her the situation, she still didn't seem to have any empathy. She's one of those people who think I should just get over it. I'll never get over it, am sorry!!! I have so many mixed emotions right now and the pain in my chest just isn't going away. Cynthia, my baby is 25 months old, she's a sweet little girl and very caring. She understands in her own way that am not ok, it hurts so bad when I waste an entire evening being upset insead of playing with her or reading to her. I wish you all a merry christmas and thanks very much for all your support.

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on December 24, 2011 at 10:46pm

Mercy -

You have been trying for a while to be 'okay" for your daughter.  It's normal she doesn't want to be around you- she's just scared and confused.  Have you just told her that "Mommy misses Grandma, too, and mommy is sad.  it's okay for all of us to be sad sometimes and it's okay for us to cry, too." and maybe tell her something about Grandma looking down on her from Heaven - according to your beliefs.  I know it's hard and I'm so sorry.  But you don't have to act ok all the time; it's NOT okay - it sucks.  You are grieving.  You are sad and unhappy and you miss your mom.  The first Christmas is hard, and I wish I could tell you the next one will be better, but no promises.  It might be; it might not be.  But don't go there now.  It's a ways off.  Who knows what tomorrow holds?  Take good care of yourself.  I'm sending you big hugs.

My daughter and her husband are coming for dinner with my grandsons.  I'm not wild about my son in law, but honestly, I just didn't want to be alone on Christmas, so I invited them for dinner.  At least I'll get to see my grandsons.  

Comment by Melissa Broome on December 24, 2011 at 10:14pm

Mercy,

Big Hugs to you! I have to say I know exactly how you feel. it's hard to act ok all the time. Cause I'm not ok all the time. It's ok if were not. your doing the best you can. I allow myself to be sad all day at least once a week I don't care who's around lol if they don't like it. Oh well. I hope you have the best Christmas you can in light of the situation. I'm trying to be happy for my kids. we are all sick. So it sucks. anyways take care,

Melissa

Comment by mercy on December 24, 2011 at 10:01pm

I'm so sad, my first Christmas without mom. My 2 year old daughter doesn't even want to be around me cause of my sadness. It means the world to me to have a place I can come to and have my feelings validated, I don't feel like most people understand, and it drives me crazy that people expect me to be ok, I'm so tired of acting like am ok cause am not. I hope you all are having a better day than me, merry Christmas to you all and thanks for always being there.

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on December 24, 2011 at 12:08pm

Laura -

If you want to lie in bed all day, than that's what you should do!  Your daughter will understand if the Christmas gifts are late - tell her to tell her children and Grandma couldn't come today, but there will be more presents after Christmas, and that you love them very much. Don't worry about them; they will survive you not being there.  One could also say that the joy on their little faces when they see you will make up for the sadness - but my personal belief is that it won't.  Sorry to be negative.  I"m trying to be encouraging!  I'm encouraging you to do what you need to do, and if it's staying in bed and crying, do it.  You won't be the first or the last of us who have.  This is a time to take care of yourself in whatever way you need to, and if it's laying in bed all day, or crying or laughing or sleeping or whatever... do it.  This is probably the worst time of year for most of us, except for the anniversary of the death.  And it doesn't just last one year (and I didn't say that to be discouraging, just to be realistic.)  No one, including me, can tell you how you should or should not grieve.  I've come to believe that grief is an entity all unto itself; it just does what it wants to do when it wants to do it, and it can sneak up on us at the most inopportune time.  

I am a Marriage and Family Therapist; Don died Nov. 12, 2010 - just over a year ago, but I haven't gone back to work.  I'm just not ready to deal with other people's problems.  And all I need is one grieving widow or widower and I'll just go over the edge.  As it is, my mom has early stage Alzheimer's - so I haven't lost her altogether yet, and my dad has just been put on hospice care - it started with an infection in his foot and spread up his leg, and his lungs are beginning to get congested (he's in congestive heart failure) because he won't take his Lasix because to go to the bathroom means getting into a wheel chair with help, help in the bathroom, and help getting back - and then he's exhausted and in pain.  So it's been triggering my grief about losing Don, and my Dad and I have never really gotten along but i still love him and it's hard to watch him suffer like this.  I'm sorry - I didn't mean to go off on a tangent about my own issues.

Do whatever you need to do for yourself, and know that it is okay.  No one has the right to judge anyone else, no matter what.  Maybe my brother said it best - we don't really know what is in someone else's heart. And no one knows what is in our heart. People's actions may say one thing, but we have to trust that most people have a good heart, and good intentions.  And I have one friend who has the very best intentions, but I finally had to just tell her that she was nagging me to do things that I was ready or able to do.  I told her I knew she meant well, and I thanked her for caring, but please give me the space to do what I need to do until I'm ready to take on more.  I think she understood; a true friend won't take it personally.  

Okay, I've gone on and on - now I"ll stop.  I know you will be okay, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.  I hope that tomorrow is a better day, or maybe the next, or the next - there will be a better day; we just can't say when.  Hang in there.

Comment by Laura Salefski on December 24, 2011 at 11:48am

It's a beautiful day today, and sadly all I want to do is lie in my bed. I miss Jon so much. I have cried for hours already today. I need to drive to Effingham and take gifts for my daughter and two small grandchildren, but I am having trouble mustering the energy to do that. I just want to lie here in my bed with my pillow over my head until it is over.

Comment by sara kephart on December 23, 2011 at 9:24pm

i cant belive today marked 4mnths its been since i lost my dad:(today at 5:25pm he went to be with god and it is soo hard to accept the fact that he isnt coming home or wont walk thru the door with open arms:(i miss you daddy

Comment by Jeanne Potter on December 23, 2011 at 8:29pm

So sad to see so many new people having to join this group. As I read the stories of new losses it brings me back to when it was all so new and painful.Yesterday, Dec. 22nd was a year that I lost Harry to brain cancer. I didn't know how I would get through the day. I moved to a new home on the 21st and spent my day unpacking boxes. I think there was a plan in there somewhere. I didn't dwell on it like I thought I would. It was sad of course, but everyday is sad. It gets easier but the sudden moments of hurt can be overwhelming. It is still so unreal. Christmas is never going to be the same, but it will be. Tomorrow I will get my tree up somehow and will go through the motions. Talking to him everyday helps and having his picture on my phone when I turn it on and see him smiling at me helps. My friends loved Harry and I have not experienced anyone telling me that I need to get over the grieving. No doubt I would punch them in the face if they did. Would not be the first time for me. We all have to get through this somehow and whatever it takes is what you need to do.

That said to all my grieving friends out there, Happy Holidays and pray for a better New Year.

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