waking at night with panic attacks, noises in the apt, bldg, have me scared that Tods fallen.  I remember sleeping on the edge of awake, think i did it for so long, his machines would alarm, or he'd drop something in the night, or god forbid he'd fall that i learned to never fall asleep...we used to laugh that it was like having a new born in the house,, it wasn't all that funny for me.

he was awake at night alot of time because he'd sleep during the day (out of boredom), but…

out of  body experience....its how i feel about my days  im going through the motions getting things done, surviving but not involved on a real experience level.  i just move, do, sleep, eat, wake and do again.  everything has an anniversary, tuesdays are when we went to the hospital for the last time, fridays when he refused the ventilator, saturdays when he passed, my new life calendar.  tomorrow with be 4 weeks of tuesdays :(

when will this feeling stop?

3 weeks tomorrow, i've started sleeping better, and im have intervals of not crying until someone brings tod up.  i know people mean well, but if i think about toddie i can't function, and i can't afford to lose my job.

friday night, our night to watch all of our dumb shows, stay up late, curl up and cuddle after dinner together.  the week would be over and we would wind down in each others company, thrilled to have two full days together.  He was so lonely while i worked all…

frustrated today.  medical bills are coming in droves, doctors i've never heard of, for services that didn't work.  should be a survivor thing, if he dies you don't have to pay.   someone told me to pay nothing for 6 months, wait for everything to arrive then sort it out, what the insurance paid, what they didn't and what's still owed.  UGGGHHHH we've still about $50,000 from an amputation they deemed pre-existing 5 years ago when all of this first began.  Im sad that we struggled so hard to…