My identity is intertwined with being a good daughter to my mother because she sacrificed  everything to me  and her selflessness  is what motivated to go  on living. My mother was an immigrant  who left her family and her  role as a housewife  to come to Canada and provide a better future for her children. After the divorce, she worked harder than anyone else I know in order  to provide a life for myself and my brother.  She had  no choice but to be strong and determined  without a husband or family support. I do not make nearly enough  for my mother and I to live comfortably , even though  my older brother lives with us, he had been  nothing but mostly a financial burden on us. My mom loves him  unconditionally and paid for his share of expense even though he was an adult in  his 30s.   My  biggest goal is to ensure that my mother would finally stop worrying about money and that my husband to be and I would be able to give the best care and maximum happiness to my mother during her retirement. My life goal  is now dashed because my mother passed away on Feb.. 18, 2014 at the age of 56. Since my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer in August , 2012, I have been preoccupied with saving my mom's life.  For me, there will never be another task  as important as saving my mom's life. My mom gave me  my purpose to live  and to fight for life. With my mother's passing, I no longer see the purpose or value of my own life.

I am forever grateful to have a mother who loves me despite  all the reasons I gave her for giving up on me.  I was not easy to love,  my clinical depression and social anxiety has troubled my mother but she never rejected me; instead, she loved me  for all of my flaws. She is always there for me and she always put my needs ahead of herself. She treats everyone  with love and compassion, including our own dog. She never wavered from those values even when she was dying from excruciatingly pain caused by cancer.

I like to say I will continue to live my life so that I can honor my mom's memories.  All that is good about me is because of my mother.  I  know  that my mom would want me to live and be happy , I also want to  live out her legacy, which is my the rest of my life.

But most of all, I want to honor her, I don't want to only honor her memories. My mother lives for her children and I want to live for my mother. However, she is gone forever so what else is there for me to do?  I can't see myself ever be happy because at the end of the day. My mom is the most loving and wonderful and hard working person , but her life was cut short and she suffered so much pain in her life an  especially with cancer. I just don't ever see myself  coming to terms with this loss...or  find another greater purpose to replace  my dream of making my mother happy.

The only thing that comfort me is  the hope of seeing my mother again.   My mother said we will meet again although she never held a strong religious belief.   Its morbid but I look forward to death and I am frightened that I still have possibly many years ahead of me to live without my mother.