Time is passing by and it seems to hurt a lot more than in the beginning. At the beginning I was in so much shock that I could not believe Danny was taken away. His life was taken. He was killed. Now, 9 months later, instead of feeling a bit better, I just feel worser and worser. It feels as if reality is sinking in harder. The reality that he is not coming back home. The reality that I no longer have him here with me and by my side during nights or in the mornings when I wake up. Reality that Sebastian is growing up, talking and his Dad is not here to share those joyful moments. Reality is that I am now by myself. Reality that I am hurting so much. Reality that I also died along with him.
I so much, very much, fear that my reality will move towards acceptance. And I don’t want to yet accept his loss. I can’t accept that I have lost him forever. That just hurts so much. And just thinking about it, makes my heart ache and can’t control my tears. I feel that acceptance also means letting go of him. And I can’t and do not want to let go of him. I love him so much that I can’t let him go!. I want Danny back!. I want my old life back!
I am death but living. My life is no longer and will never ever be the same. Time is just not making things better but simply allowing my grief to move towards different stages of grief itself. Shock, Denial, Acceptance, Denial. When will it get better?