today I sat by my son crying so hard, this weekend is my first thanks giving with out him, we don't celebrate any of them any more. there just another dam day. but at the same time its so hard and it hurts so bad. as I type this my tears are falling, oh god I need my shawn, I miss his smile, voice, his smell. I want so much to hear him call me  MOM, im so empty in side. how do I get through this weekend, and soon after nov 5 it will be a year, omg I cant do this, I cant go on with out him, I…

It's been a really tough few weeks. October is a bittersweet month. Bens anniversary, on the 7th. My 32nd wedding anniversary on the 9th, and the death of my sweet Lil Del on the 17th. I thought I could handle it all very well this year. Then I got sick. I figured it was bad, but I wasn't sure what was going on. I had some tests run, because I haven't been able to take in much food or liquids, and have been having awful pain in my abdomen. Well turns out I have a huge bleeding ulcer in the…

He died on May 29th of this year in Cuba, I was able to be by his side until his last day.

Yesterday I was suspended with pay from work as a result for a hearing I had in June of this year when I came back from Cuba after being a month out there.

I brought back all the proof they needed like a death certificate, plane ticket stubs, emails, but it looks like it wasn't enough and now I'm facing a future without a job. It seemed so ironic that they would send me home on what would…

Although it's been almost 10 months since you went away, iI still feel like you'll be coming home soon... 

It may not be healthy, but in my heart there's no room for your absence.  So,  I keep hoping that this last 10 months were nothing but a nightmare... 

I can't hear your voice...  I can't feel your arms around me,  and that's making go…

my beautiful son shawn, my heart aches so much each and every day for you. sometimes I wonder where all my tears come from, I cry so much my eyes hurt. there are times I just want to scream my head off, and times I just cant breathe. shawn I cant go on, I just cant move any more. I think about being with you each and everyday. that's what I want more then anything.  to kiss your face, hold you, and never let you go. how can everyone go on, my heart is so empty, broken, shattered.  my life is…

Oct 1 2014 -  Today was another long day where time catches up to you and you cant help but think of the ones that have passed. My husbands father is here from out of state and i cant help but go to that place where you wish it was you. To be with your father. But in April that dream of spending a week with my father slipped away right before my eyes .…